Page 81 of Capacity
It would wait until she got back though. I knew she’d need all the love and reinforcement she could get when she came home.
…
CHAPTER 18
Being back in Texas was a shock to my senses. I’d gotten used to Connecticut’s blustery winter weather. Texas was the polar opposite.
Walking into the hotel was strange. It felt like I was in an alternate universe and it had only been three months since I’d been back home on Texas soil. My life had already changed so much.
Before I left, I didn’t have much a life to begin with. If I had my way, I wouldn’t have a life at all. I slipped the key card into the metal slot on my door and walked into the spacious suite. I tossed my bag on the couch in the sitting room then went to the bathroom to freshen up. I hated flying. It always made me feel gross.
When I stepped into the plume of warm steam and water in the shower, I looked down at my wrists and arms studying the deep scars that ran along my brown skin. Reminders that I wanted to end my life. I wanted to be with my son and leave everything and everyone else behind.
Thoughts of how devastated my mother would be rolled through my mind. I saw her tear-stained face at my funeral. I saw the pastor gently weaving around the gruesome fact that I’d slashed my wrists and let all the blood leak out while he tried to comfort my family and friends.
Oh god, and Coco. She found me. It would forever haunt her and change the bright, sassy person she’d always been. It would take a chunk from her and make her wonder if it were her fault. What would have happened if she got to me sooner?
I would’ve never met Knight. I would’ve never met Zach. Who knows what track their lives would have taken without me. I’d never know if they would have been better off or worse without me. I’d never know because my life was spared by something bigger than me. Some force that knew I wasn’t done yet.
Tears rolled freely down my face while I gently washed my arms letting the water rinse the suds away. I still had trouble gripping things with my hands and sometimes jolts of pain would skitter down my fingers. It was a small price to pay.
I could have been gone.
Ripped away from life.
My thoughts flickered to Knight and my stomach flopped. I was glad I wasn’t successful in my suicide. It meant I had the chance to know him. The man I loved.
I shut the water off, stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a fluffy white towel around my body. I had to tell Knight how I felt. Now wasn’t the time though. Maybe once I got back I’d find the right moment.
Were there truly any right moments though?
I knew the answer to that.
No.
There weren’t any right moments. There was only one moment and it was the present. It wasn’t right or wrong it just was.
When I got back to Connecticut, I’d tell Knight how I felt. I would tell him in the moment, and no matter what the moment was, it would be right.
Thinking about him made my stomach flutter with a thousand butterflies. His smile and those gorgeous blue eyes. The way he held me. The way hefuckedme. The way he poured so much warmth and passion into me. He helped me realize I deserved to be treated like a queen.
I no longer shied away from love and happiness. I reveled in them. I accepted them as a part of me. I smiled more and I laughed frequently. I wasn’t completely free from the darkness but it was so nice to feel the sun shine on my face.
I picked up my phone and called Knight. I wanted to catch him before he went to AA. When his deep, gruff voice came through the phone, a shiver marched up and down my spine.
“Hey, beautiful. You made it safely.”
“I did. I just got out of the shower and I was thinking about you. Is it corny that I miss you already?” I laughed with the phone pinned against my ear.
“No. I miss you too, Lumi.” His voice caressed my name. It was satin slipping across my skin. “Did you say you just got out of the shower?”
“Yup,” I grinned, biting my bottom lip. I laid on my stomach in my towel and kicked my feet up behind me, wiggling my toes.
“I don’t believe you. I mean if you sent me pictures then maybe I’d believe you but otherwise…” His voice hung in the air leaving space for my laughter to bubble over.
“Pictures you say?” I quizzed, lifting an eyebrow. “I can do you one better.” I pulled the phone away from my ear and hit the Facetime button. In seconds, Knight’s devastatingly gorgeous face popped up. I could tell from the background that he was in the car. He wasn’t moving though.
“There she is.” His face brightened into a smile and my heart raced against my breastbone.
