Page 65 of Capacity
“Can we stop avoiding each other at work now?” I quizzed, climbing in bed beside her. I stretched my arm around her shoulders and she snuggled close.
“Yeah. I miss having breakfast and lunch with you.” She dragged her finger down the center of my stomach, doubling back to snake around each of my ab muscles.
“I miss making you my breakfast and lunch.” I grabbed her hand and bit the tips of her fingers while she laughed uncontrollably. “I saw you put in leave for next week. Is everything okay?”
Her eyes met mine and she sighed a little, shifting her position. I felt her mood dampen when she lifted her shoulders around her ears. “Kaiden’s birthday is coming up and I want to visit his grave. I did it last year and I want to do it every year I’m able to. Until my legs stop working and I’m bedridden, I’m going to visit him on his birthday.” Her eyes were wet but she held on to her tears. Like if she let them go it would be the indicator of weakness.
“You’re going…alone?”
“Yeah. I don’t want anyone else to go with me. I don’t need Coco or Mom oryouholding my hand.” She pressed her pointer finger into my chest and I grabbed her wrist like I always did. I brought her hand up to my lips then flipped it over so I could study the scar on her inner wrist. Lumi stiffened when I ran my lips along the raised mark.
“I know you want to do this alone but just know I’m here even if you go by yourself. I’m always a phone call away.”
“You’d hop on a plane to Texas if I called?” She laughed like it was absurd but my expression remained fixed.
“In a fucking heartbeat.” I left more kisses on her scar until I was halfway up her forearm. “I told you, I’m here to kiss your scars. Not judge them or ignore them but kiss them. Love them.”
That word…love. It stirred the dark and sad ocean inside my chest. It stirred around until a clear image emerged from the murky waters like developing film. I saw myself with gray hair and a weathered face. I was happy and right beside me was Lumi.
I couldn’t imagine the rest of my life without her. In a couple of months she nearly erased everything that came before her. The only thing that still stood was Hazel.
Could I really love anyone besides her?
I felt the gravity of uttering the word love but I didn’t care. I hadn’t professed my love, only mentioned it. I think we both knew our feelings were morphing and taking root. The silence between us proved that neither of us was ready to speak about it out loud.
“You’re absolutely sure you don’t want me to at least fly out there with you? I can move things around in my schedule.”
“Knight, it’s fine. I need to do this by myself, especially after my suicide attempt.” Her throat dipped and her bottom lip wobbled but she still held onto her tears. I couldn’t explain the pride I had watching her strength. She’d come so far. Now in the face of grief and pain, she bent but she didn’t break.
I stared into her eyes for a long while before speaking. “Okay. I understand. Promise me if you need someone to lean on you’ll call me.”
“I promise, baby.”
Baby. It was such a simple word but it held so much weight.
She touched the side of my face then dropped her gaze to the matching scars on her wrists, running up her arms. “You said you’d always be here to kiss my scars. To love them. Please don’t let those be lies, Knight. I want this to work so much.”
“I’m a lot of things, Lumi. I’m an alcoholic, I don’t make the best decisions, and I can be impulsive and selfish but I’m not a liar.” I slid my finger along each identical scar. Left then right. “These scars are so fucking beautiful to me.” I held her forearm in my hand then ran the tip of my nose along the raised skin before laying down a trail of kisses that lead to the bend in her arm. “Because they’re a testament to your strength.”
“I’m not strong. If Coco hadn’t used her key to come in that day, I wouldn’t be here. I didn’t survive because I suddenly realized all I had to live for. I survived because Coco refused to let me die.”
“Did you realize how much you had to live for after she saved you?” I asked, unblinking.
“Yes, of course. I found my way out of the darkness.”
“You’re just like that little aster flower in your yard.” It had grown beautifully since she rescued it and several more bloomed beside it. “You could have died, easily. You kept seeking out the light though. Even when you thought you were full to capacity with pain and grief…you sought out the light and grew toward it. You had deadweight on top of you. Deadweight that was so much bigger than you but you still tried. You can’t put that all on Coco.
If it weren’t for your determination, you would have tried to kill yourself again and you would have been successful. You didn’t though. You kept growing. You’re the tiny aster but you’re also the light.”
The way she looked at me made me want to kneel at her feet. I wanted to give her the world on a platter. Her eyes held all the words her lips weren’t ready to speak. All the words my heart weren’t ready to hear. I knew how I felt about her. It was becoming harder to ignore but I still wasn’t ready to reconcile loving another woman.
I took vows with Hazel and I promised to love her and cherish her forever. While death did separate us, I still wasn’t ready to admit my feelings for Lumi. It felt like a slap in the face of my love for Hazel.
“Knight, sometimes I wish I saw myself through your eyes because you have the most beautiful vision of me.” She stroked my cheek then slid her fingers through my hair. “My golden boy,” she cooed, pressing kisses to my jawline.
“Golden boy?” I chuckled.
“That’s what I call you in my head,” she sighed, toying with my fingers.
