Page 58 of Capacity
“I did. It was so damn good,” I groaned like I was eating my favorite dessert.
“Thank God! I’m so glad you finally got some dick because…girl.” She just looked at me and I broke out into warm laughter.
I needed that. I needed time with my girl to help me heal. It wasn’t all about one path to healing. There were so many streets and avenues I had to travel down before healing would feel better.
After dinner, I went home and checked my email to see if DCF sent me the proper adoption forms for Zach.
After the fight with Knight, I went online and found DCF’s information on my own. I didn’t need him to do it for me. I was capable. When I saw the forms sitting in my inbox, a small yelp of happiness hopped out of my mouth.
I wanted to adopt Zach so he could have somewhere safe and loving to lay his head. I wanted to know that he was eating well and getting enough rest. Those simple things are tough when you don’t feel like you belong and loneliness eats at you at all hours.
I knew the feeling well.
Once I was done with the forms, I checked my phone to see if there was anything from Knight.
Nothing.
I swallowed the knot in my throat and went around the house watering my plants then I went upstairs to get ready for bed.
In my room, I glanced over at Kaiden’s picture on my nightstand and the two Hot Wheels cars in front of the frame.
“Your birthday is coming up soon,” I said out loud with a sad smile. “I didn’t forget. Mommy would never forget.” On what would have been Kaiden’s sixth birthday, I took flowers to his grave. This year I planned to do the same.
I swept my hair into a high ponytail, put on my pajamas and climbed into bed…alone. I missed the hell out of Knight but like Coco said, he needed time to wrestle with himself. I couldn’t help him even if I wanted to and God knows I wanted to help.
I pulled my laptop out and began searching for flights to Texas that wouldn’t break my wallet. Kaiden’s birthday was next month and I wanted to make sure I had everything lined up. That also meant I’d have to put in leave at work sooner than later and I’d have to communicate with Knight in some fashion.
All the reasons not to fuck the boss blared to life in my head. It was a loud garish song that made my eyes squeeze shut. I didn’t regret it but now I fully understood all the implications behind it.
For one, what if you got into a fight with your boyfriend who’s also your boss and you have to submit leave and he has to approve it?
I booked tickets for my flight and made a one-night reservation at a hotel near the cemetery. I couldn’t be in Texas for longer than that and not think about Kaiden and see him everywhere. One day I’d be strong enough but that day wasn’t coming any time soon.
…
CHAPTER 15
“Mr. Wells, I need you to stand right there by Penelope’s bedside. That’s perfect. Now, just look at her and think about her beauty. Her strength.” My words came out easily but nothing about shooting Mr. and Mrs. Wells was easy.
She had stage-four breast cancer. After it had been in remission for three years, it came back with a vengeance and left no remainder of the woman Penelope Wells used to be. She was frail and her skin was so pale it looked translucent. Blueish-green veins showed beneath her arms and hands.
The sight of her closed my throat and threw memories in my eyes like sand.
Hazel…
She looked just like this near the end. So weak but still so strong. So uncertain but accepting at the same time. I saw the same things in Mrs. Wells’ eyes.
I snapped picture after picture of Mr. and Mrs. Wells holding each other, smiling at each other, and I even caught a few shots of them fussing. I love those pictures the most because I knew they’d be the ones he looked at over and over once his wife’s journey was done.
He’d, of course, remember all the smiling sunshine times but he’d want the arguments and the banter too. I was happy to give him both forever.
I wrapped up shooting when Mrs. Wells got tired and felt sick. She dozed on and off in the hospital bed placed in their living room while the TV played in the background. I gathered my things trying not to disturb her sleep.
“Mr. Cunningham, I wanted to thank you again for doing this. It means more than I can express.” His eyes were wet but no tears fell. He offered me a kind but sad smile that hit me hard in the heart disturbing my own grief like a fan on piles of dust.
It got everywhere.
It stung my eyes and shortened my breath.
