Page 43 of Capacity
“He was…perfect,” I let out a shaky laugh. “He was so smart and funny.” I shook my head remembering the things he’d say that made me laugh. “He loved playing practical jokes but he was only five so he’d do stuff like put a fake spider on my pillow. He’d hide in the hall and wait for me to lie down so he could hear me scream. I knew the spiders were fake…I bought them, but I screamed to make him laugh. I could never get enough of that laugh. It was so happy and contagious.”
I let the smile fade from my face. I missed my son with so much immensity it was hard to breathe. My hands trembled and I clasped them together tight so hopefully, Knight wouldn’t see.
“You’re a good mom,” he told me, stroking the side of my face.
“Not good enough to save him.”
“You’re a good mom, Lumi. You’re not God.”
“Wasa good mom,” I said.
“Once a mom, always a mom. Tell me more about Kaiden.” Knight slid back in the bed, resting his head against the gray tufted headboard. I crawled up to the spot beside him and pulled in a deep breath. I kept hearing Coco in my head telling me to heal. Anger bubbled up inside me at the way our conversation wilted into an argument.
I shook her from my thoughts and looked into the sapphire pools glittering at me. Knight was so perfect. He was everything I needed to push me outside myself. I knew Coco was trying to do the same thing but I wasn’t in the mood for tough love. I didn’t want to hear about the laundry list of things I needed to fix inside myself. I didn’t want to leave the pain.
The pain helped me remember.
I spent an hour talking to Knight about Kaiden. I told him everything from his birth story up until his tragic ending. I was a tearful puddle by the time I was done but I breathed a little easier once the crying subsided.
“I am so sorry I dumped all that on you, Knight. I wanted you to spend the night so we could have uninterrupted time together and I’m bawling my eyes out.” I sniffled and grabbed a few tissues from the nightstand.
“Lumi, you needed to let those tears out. Something was…or is stressing you out and if you hold it in you’re going to implode.”
“Not explode?” I asked.
“No, because you’re not the type to explode. You’ll withdraw and I’d hate to see that bright light of yours dimmed.
I knew you’d cry when I asked you about Kaiden. It still hurts. I’m just glad you got something off your chest even if it’s not what you’re upset about.”
“I got into a fight with Coco,” I told him quietly.
“Oh…” He glanced at me then furled his brows together thoughtfully. “What happened?”
“You know how something starts off small then spirals out of nowhere until you’re standing in the middle of something bigger than it needed to be? That’s what happened.” I didn’t want to dive into details about the argument because then I’d have to tell him the root of it all and that meant telling him about my suicide attempt.
“Do you feel like she made any good points?”
“Kind of. I’m just not in the mood to dissect it. It’s going to piss me off all over again and I’d rather just spend time with my man.”
“Wouldn’t want to stop you from doing that.” Knight held my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles. I tried not to freeze but it was so hard. My head pulsed with anxiety and fear.
Please don’t see my scars.
Without warning, Knight turned my inner wrist toward his lips and placed a kiss at the heel of my hand before nudging the sweatshirt sleeve up with his nose. There was no way out of it. I was paralyzed with an unknowable amount of fear and shame.
“Knight…” I tried to pull away but his eyes were locked onto the raised scar on my right wrist. His brows fell low on his forehead as his gaze flicked between my eyes and my wrist.
“Lumi, is this what you’re always hiding?” He asked inching the sleeve further up my arm. Prickles washed over my skin and embarrassment bit away chunks of my self-confidence. “What happened?” His voice was deep and quiet leaving me breathless. Maybe I couldn’t breathe because I felt exposed and I knew there was no lie I could tell him that would be believable. I’d never want to lie to Knight anyway. That wasn’t who I was. The truth was the truth and I’d never made excuses for it in the past. I didn’t want to start now.
“It’s hard to talk about.” I could barely get the words out. They got hung up on thick emotion and shards of humiliation.
“I want to know, Lumi. I want to know everything about you. I want to know everything about Kaiden and your Mom and Coco because whoever is important to you is important to me. This…” He tugged at my sleeve until most of my scar was revealed like a lightning strike disrupting the otherwise flawless skin on the underside of my wrist. “Is important to me too because it’s a part of you.”
“It’s an ugly scar,” I countered, my voice wobbling.
“Scars are stories about battles we’ve won.” He tipped my chin up to look into my eyes. Tears fell from my lashes, splashing on his arm. “I want to hear about the battle you won.”
“You’ll think I’m weak,” I sniffled, shaking my head.
