Page 21 of North
I tossed the idea around in my head but I couldn’t give him a concrete answer. Luckily, he didn’t push me even though I found myself ready to push back. I didn’t have to. When Kane lived with us and was married to Mom, he would always make excuses for her and try to get me to understand she was sick and not in her right mind. He told me how drugs changed who you were as a person.
I expected the same version of him now. The apologist, the peacemaker. He was neither of those things. He was honest and fair.
Long after Kane finished working on his painting, seeing a therapist stuck in my brain. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad getting help for all the demons clawing and scraping the walls of my mind. I couldn’t fathom opening up and telling someone my feelings when most of the time I couldn’t settle on how I felt.
At any given moment my emotions ran the gamut between angry and resentful to sympathetic and sad. How was I supposed to talk about that to someone I’d never met before? I could barely talk to myself.
After Kane was done painting, he got cleaned up and I went to my room. I needed to think about talking to a psychologist because I knew it was something he wasn’t letting me off the hook about. Normally, when I couldn’t make a decision, I leaned on Sierra.
So, I picked up my phone and pressed her name. I’d called her so many times since arriving in Telluride with Kane. I needed a friend and she was my only one. She was being distant though and I had no idea what I’d done.
My shock was palpable when she answered the phone. I blinked a few times and scrambled to find my words. “Sierra, hey. Where the hell have you been?”
“Working, North. I’ve been working. What’s up? How are things in rich-ass Telluride?” I could practically see her rolling her brown eyes. My stomach tightened at the coolness wafting through the phone.
“Um…they’re okay, I guess. I’m trying to find a job now.”
“Sucks that you just up and left. Stuck me with so much work. You know Randall isn’t hiring anyone else.”
After Mom died, I quit my job at the steakhouse because I couldn’t make the trek back and forth from Delta to Telluride every day for minimum wage. It made more sense to get a job in town.
“It wasn’t like I left voluntarily, Sierra.” My brows bunched together as my lips fell.
“Yeah, because who would voluntarily leave shitty ass Delta to live in Telluride, right? Did you need something, North?” She sighed like my over-the-phone presence was a burden.
“I wanted to talk to you. I missed you. It’s been tough.” I swallowed back the hot lump of rejection growing in my throat. “My mom’s memorial was today,” I said, hoping it would soften her seemingly icy mood.
She pushed out a breath and let a few seconds of silence tick by. I sat cross-legged on my bed, plucking at my blanket. Why wasn’t this conversation flowing? Why did it feel like she was ghosting me? I was riddled with feelings I couldn’t place.
“North, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.” The call ended and I found myself staring at the phone in my hand like it was a foreign object.
What was happening?
It felt like I was losing my best friend and I had no idea why. Now wasn’t the time for that. I couldn’t bear losing one more fucking person.
Anxiety strangled me until I was forced to stand and move from its grip. It followed me every time I paced back and forth waiting for me to slip. I opened my bedroom door and looked down the hall at Kane’s closed door.
Before I could reign myself in, my feet were headed toward his room. I held my fist up poised to knock but I hesitated. What if he was getting ready for bed?
Just because he’d been sleeping next to me every night didn’t mean he’d do it all the time. Maybe he wanted time to himself for once. I couldn’t be mad at it. Especially after he said his last goodbye to his ex-wife.
I lowered my fist and took a step back just in time for the door to open. Soap and clean linens wrapped me in a hug that I needed.
“Hey, Shortcake. I was on my way to your room to check on you.” A bulge of emotions swelled inside of me for so many reasons. They forced me into Kane’s arms. I hugged him so tight he was rendered speechless.
After a little while, he wrapped his arms around me and led me inside his room. It was warm, clean, and safe like him. Shades of blue and gray decorated the walls and the comforter on his king-sized bed. Pictures of me sat on his dresser alongside pictures of his mother, father, and Kristina.
If anyone understood the dueling feelings in my heart, Kane did. He had to suffer through the fatal bullets of addiction twice.
“What’s wrong, North?” We sat on his bed and he tipped my chin up so those green and golden eyes trapped me.
“I just got off the phone with Sierra and I can’t explain it but I feel like she’s mad at me and I don’t know why.” I folded my hands together in my lap and stared at them. Fingers speckled with freckles and blue veins running beneath my skin. Blue veins that pumped with anxiety and uncertainty.
“Have you asked her?” He quizzed.
“No. I don’t think I want to know. She’s the only friend I’ve ever had and if I ask her why the fuck she’s being like this I’m scared I won’t have her anymore.”
“If she’s acting differently at a time like this, you need to talk to her, North. Something is up.” He was right and I knew it but I was avoiding it.
