Page 6 of North
I brought my fingers to my teeth and nibbled on my nails. The fridge had real food in it. Cheese, milk, eggs, berries, and bowls of leftovers made me almost dizzy with possibility. I hadn’t seen a full fridge in at least a year. I was full from my meal at the diner but I still wanted to grab food to take in my room.
What if Dad changed his mind and kicked me out?
What if my sixteenth birthday happened all over again and I ran away?
I’d need food.
I looked over my shoulder and when I didn’t see Dad, I grabbed a paper towel from the counter and loaded it up with cold green grapes and strawberries. I rummaged through the drawers in the refrigerator and found yogurt and cheese sticks. I stuffed a couple of sticks in my pockets then walked upstairs.
“In here, Shortcake.” I followed the gruff voice into a small room with the softest looking bed I’d ever seen in the middle of the floor. My muscles and bones sighed with relief just looking at it. “It’s all yours. Bathroom is right through here. TV has Netflix and Hulu and whatever else you wanna watch.” Dad stood planted at the doorway, swallowing the entire frame with his wide shoulders and broad chest.
He looked like a mountain man but with a shiny lacquer coating him, making him look expensive. Like he would be at home between the pages of Vogue for his thrown together look that screamed effortlessly rugged. I allowed myself to look him over under the guise of seeing how he’d changed in the past year.
“Okay, thanks.” I took my coat off and sat down before he could probe and ask me questions about why my clothes were sagging on my bony body. “You can go now.” I cleared my throat, wrapping my arms around myself.
“North, what is going on? Can you talk to me? I know we haven’t been the closest over the last year but I’m here for you. You are not going through this alone. I loved Izzy too.” His words fanned flames of anger inside me.
I stood and narrowed my eyes at him. “You loved her so much you left me? I mean…her. You lefther.” I blinked a few times and steadied my thoughts. I hated that my brain worked so fast it betrayed my mouth and spewed the truth.
The truth was, it hurt when he left. He was my best friend and the only person who understood me.
Dad tensed then hung his head low like he refused to fight against my blows. “North, I didn’t leave you. I left Izzy. Why wouldn’t you come with me?” His words shed tears where his eyes couldn’t. It plucked at my already frayed threads.
“Who would have taken care of Mom?” My lips quivered beneath the onslaught of grief settling in my soul. Tears crashed through my defenses hurling themselves to sudden death down my cheeks. “She needed someone. So I stayed.” I said it with a shrug that belied my true emotions.
“Izzy needed someone but it wasn’t you. You should have never taken on her demons. I should’ve made you come with me.” He said it more to himself than to me. He slid a hand through his hair and shook his head. “You weren’t responsible for your mother.”
“I had to be. She would have died without me.” The tears came faster and hotter. Dad reached out sliding his thumb along my jawline and my faithless heart bled for him. I craved the warmth and kindness he exuded.
I missed him.
“North, she died with you right there. She died despite you working and going to school online. She died while you paid the rent, cleaned up after her and put your entire life on hold. You only stood in the way of the inevitable.” I hated his words. They stung in a place I couldn’t reach.
“She needed me more. I should have cut my hours.”
“You could’ve spent your entire day with her. Unless she wanted to change, this would have been the outcome. It was not your fault.” My brain didn’t want to believe him even though I knew he was right. It hurt to know I didn’t matter enough for Mom to stop.
Most parents sacrifice any and everything for their kids. Not my mom. She cared more about drugs than she could’ve ever cared about me. The realization was a jagged, acrid pill.
“Then why does it feel like it is?” My chin buckled and I knew my knees were next if I didn’t brace myself against Dad for a hug. He welcomed me into his long arms. They were hard and chiseled and held together my shattered pieces. I pressed my tear-soaked face against his chest and breathed in his familiar scent. He smelled clean and safe like fresh soap and laundry detergent.
“Because you have such a big heart and she was your mother. You would have done anything to save her. You couldn’t save her from herself though.” He kissed the top of my head and slid his warm hand up and down my back. I snatched away from his hypnotizing embrace when I realized he could feel my spine and my bones were probably poking him.
“Shortcake,” Dad looked down at my hands and then up at me with sadness weaved in between the golden flecks in his eyes. “You haven’t been eating.” I curled my fingers around the napkin full of grapes and berries in my hand and swallowed back tacky hot embarrassment. I hadn’t been in Dad’s house for even an hour and I was hoarding food like I’d never see it again.
My cheeks burned. I knew they were bright pink exclamation points alerting him to my shame. I sat the stolen snacks on the bed and tried to reason with him.
“I just paid the rent. I could only get food with tips and…” My words were nonsense excuses and they made me cry even harder hearing how utterly pathetic I sounded.
Dad pushed a chunk of disobedient red hair behind my ear then tugged on it gently. “I get it. But here, with me, you’re not superwoman. Here, you’re North Fitzgerald. You’re Shortcake. You don’t have to support anyone.” He’d never know it but his words lifted a heavy cement block from my shoulders. My spine curled forward and I let my head drop into my hands while I sobbed.
The sting of losing Mom finally landed.
“She’s really gone,” I sniffled.
“She’s gone but she’s not suffering anymore, Shortcake. I don’t claim to know what happens to us after we leave this earth but I do know wherever Izzy is right now she’s free.” Dad hung his arm around my shoulders and it felt like a suit of armor. Like when I was tucked against his side nothing bad would ever happen to me.
Even soaked to the bone with mourning and grief, his touch lit me up inside. It showed me that eventually, I’d crawl out of the cold, lonely hole I’d been living in.
