Page 93 of Bear
Me: Hey, how have you been holding up?
Mrs. Foster: I have some good days and some bad but I’m still here. How about you?
Me: Same here. I was thinking about you. I just…wanted to check in.
Mrs. Foster: Cecily, I’m fine. Nothing about this road is easy but God is in control. Whatever you’re worrying about…stop. You’re forgiven.
I had to put the phone face down in my lap because her words were so powerful they made involuntary tears well up in my eyes. They stung and burned before I let them fall down my cheeks.
I’d been hearing those words all along but I never absorbed them. Bear told me to forgive myself. Titan told me to forgive myself. Mrs. Foster herself told me I was forgiven and it took all this time for it to finally sink in.
I walked out of Sarah’s room so I didn’t disturb her sleep. I wobbled down the hall and once I came to the top of the stairway, I let out a short sob. It felt like all the guilt and agony I’d been wading through was lifting through my bones and evaporating into the air.
Kaiden getting killed wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t have stopped it if I tried. I couldn’t have saved him if I tried. He was too good to stay on Earth. The universe needed him to return to the stars he came from and I couldn’t hold on to the pain forever.
It was like trying to pull a sword out of myself blade first.
I pictured Kaiden’s smiling little face in my mind and wiped the tears from my eyes. I had to get myself together so I could text Mrs. Foster back.
Me: Thank you, Mrs. Foster. I really needed that.
Mrs. Foster: I’m glad I could tell you what you needed to hear when you needed to hear it. God’s timing is wonderful like that. Live your life, Cecily. Be free.
Me: I’m going to try my best. I’m gonna move back home to New Orleans and help my mother out.
Mrs. Foster: I sure am going to miss you. Are you and Kareema still starting the night care facility?
Me: I thought I was done with that idea after Kaiden but now I’m not so sure. I’m going to talk to Kareema and work something out.
Mrs. Foster: Good. Don’t ever stop living your life and chasing your dreams. Let me know how things turn out.
Me: I will.
I put my phone to sleep and pulled in a deep breath.
I’d buried myself in Bear for the past few weeks not wanting to acknowledge that the wound caused by losing Kaiden was still gaping. Bear was an excellent distraction but I had to heal. Texting Mrs. Foster set me on the right path.
Nothing would get better overnight but I couldn’t turn my back on my dreams. I couldn’t turn my back on all the kids and families I stood to help by doing what I felt called to do either. I blinked away the rest of my tears and went to check on Sarah.
She was still sound asleep. Nothing bad happened while I stepped away from her. She was still very much alive and I watched her chest moving up and down to make sure.
My nerves wouldn’t let up but I rode the wave regardless. I forced myself not to sit in her room the entire time Titan and Ivy were gone. I took the baby monitor and went downstairs to watch TV even though my mind was constantly on Sarah. Sometimes toughing things out is the only way to make them work.
It was good for me.
It was cathartic.
By the time Titan and Ivy got back, I was relieved to see them. I waited for Ivy to rush upstairs to check on Sarah but she didn’t. She moved around the house talking and laughing, telling me how much she loved the new location. Titan checked the baby monitor and thanked me for watching their kid while they took care of business.
“You guys didn’t call or text to check on Sarah,” I mentioned.
“We knew you were okay with her and if anything was wrong, you’d call,” Ivy said simply.
“I told you we trusted you, Cecily.” Titan threw a strong arm across my shoulders and sighed. “You’ll push through this shit. Now, let’s hang out. Ivy is about to cook and we can play a few games of Uno until Bear gives the signal to bring you back to the house.”
“Oh, and if you need to stay the night, we have plenty of room. I’m sure Sarah would love it,” Ivy mentioned.
“Thank you guys so much. You have no idea how much this whole day has helped me out.” I followed Ivy into the kitchen and helped her cook food while I probed her, asking all kinds of questions about Titan. I couldn’t help it.
