Page 92 of Bear
“I know, Cecily. Clearly, it’s not affecting me asking you to watch my only child. Kids are your passion and I don’t think you should let one horrible, fucked up incident change that.” His coal-black eyes were so piercing. They gripped my core and made me listen even though I wanted to cover my ears with my hands like a child and run away from the one thing that had haunted me since I came back home.
“Well, it has. If something like that can happen to someone’s child on my watch then I don’t need to watch anyone’s kid, Titan. I really like you and Ivy and if something happened to Sarah I just…”
“Nothing is going to happen to Sarah. What happened to the little boy you were watching was out of your hands. You can’t let fear dictate the rest of your life. You can’t let it snatch your passion from you, darling.” He rubbed my back and looked at me like he had faith in me.
I fisted my hands at my side and looked at him with tears in my eyes. Nerves had settled into my chest, constricting my breathing. “A kid is dead because of me,” I said in a shaky voice. “He was only five.”
“He’s not gone because of you. He’s gone because of two reckless motherfuckers. Bear took care of them. They’re long gone. They did that to him, not you, Cecily.” My ears burned at his words. My tears stopped momentarily and I tipped my head to the side willing Titan’s words to rewind.
“Wait…what did you say?” I quizzed, lowering my brows.
“I said it wasn’t your fault.”
“No. About Bear taking care of the guys who shot Kaiden.”
“He found them and killed them,” he said like it was common knowledge. My heart raced in my chest faster than the speed of light. I thought I would pass out. I gripped the wall for support and leaned against it.
“He killed them?” I blinked away the remainder of the tears in my eyes and looked at Titan wondering if he’d misspoken.
“Yeah. You didn’t know?”
“Hell no, I didn’t know. He never mentioned it.”
“Well, shit. I don’t know if it was supposed to be a secret or not but now you know. My whole point is don’t get caught up in what-ifs. I’m trusting you with Sarah. Ivy trusts you too. It’s only for a few hours tops. It’s time to forgive yourself, Cecily.”
I steadied my breathing and looked into Sarah’s big green eyes. She flashed me a gummy smile and wiggled her fingers at me. My heart squeezed. “I’m sick to my stomach with nerves, Titan. I’m not gonna lie,” I told him.
“It’s okay. Sarah is already sleepy. All she needs is a story and to be rocked a little bit and she’ll be out. She’ll tell you she’s not sleepy but ignore her.” He sat Sarah down on the floor and she crawled over to my feet then pulled herself up on my dress. “Hey, if it makes you feel more comfortable, there’s a pistol stashed in the kitchen by the table and in the hall by the coat rack. I’ll show you where. Nothing is going to happen though. Trust me.”
I watched Sarah toddle around the room making a mess of things and it brought me so much joy. It reminded me of how much I wanted to start a night care facility with Kareema to help parents who worked third shift.
I rubbed my forehead with the heel of my hand and groaned. Titan was right. I couldn’t let fear steal my passion. With my gut quivering like a fucking leaf in a storm, I looked at him and nodded my head.
“I’ll watch her while y’all look at the location.”
A handsome smile lit up his smoky brown face and he pulled me in for a hug. “Look at you, conquering fears and shit. Bear would be proud.” I was glad he couldn’t see the way anxiety was eating me alive on the inside.
After I listened to Ivy give me the rundown about how Sarah fought her naps and how she liked to be rocked and read to, and what to do if she woke up early, her and Titan got ready to go. Once I heard the front door close, I looked down at Sarah who was busy pulling out toys to play with and my stomach swam.
What if something horrible happened while I was watching her?
What if I was bad luck and there was no way to escape it?
The logical side of my brain and the anxious side were having a full out war and there was nothing I could do about it. I knelt down to Sarah’s level and smiled at her. “Hey, let’s go read so you can take a nap until Mommy and Daddy get back,” I said, putting away the obnoxiously loud toys she took out.
“Mama?” She grinned. Her two bottom teeth were extremely adorable when she bared them to me. I nodded and scooped her into my arms before she could take out any more toys. I walked into her room and sat in the cushy white glider chair.
“Story,” she demanded in the cutest little voice I’d ever heard. I grabbed a book and held it up and she shook her head. She put me through that until I found the right book. I read it to her and I thought she was out like a light until I tried to carry her to bed.
“No,” she whined, popping her eyes open. I sat back down and rocked her until she was out again. My heart was so full holding her little body in my arms. My stomach bottomed out at the thought of having a child of my own. A child with Bear.
When I was certain Sarah was sleeping, I laid her down and kissed her forehead. She smelled like lotion and baby powder. Oh god, my ovaries were going to explode.
I took a few steps toward the door of her room but I couldn’t leave. What if something bad happened the minute I left her side? I couldn’t stop thinking about the night Kaiden got shot.
I ran my fingers through the ends of my hair and sat down in the glider, terrified to leave her. I stared at her chest, watching her rhythmic breathing and wondering what I could have done to save Kaiden that night.
My anxious mind pressed me to text Mrs. Foster and check on her.
