Page 8 of Bear
“She’s a little…” Dad tried to find the words to tell Mrs. Foster that I was paralyzed and full of guilt but only plain words could get that across. There were no pretty bows or sympathy cards to wrap that up in. Mrs. Foster smiled and nodded then locked her arm with mine so she could lead me toward the casket.
“I know you’re feeling heavy right now…” I took note of a few stray tears skating down her golden cheeks. “Kaiden would have wanted you to say goodbye though. You know that.”
“I know, Mrs. Foster,” I said. My words wobbled severely until they crashed to the ground in a mess of disjointed letters and syllables. My shoulders drew up around my ears and shook with my sobs.
“Honey, come here.” Her Texan twang was far too sweet to be used on someone like me. I was a horrible person. She hugged me as she spoke. “You have to keep your head up and keep moving. I know that better than anyone. I wish…I justwishyou could feel how my heart feels. It’s like pulp right now, Cecily. I know the pain, okay?”
“I know, Mrs. Foster. Nobody has the right to mourn more than you and I’m so sorry if that’s what it seems like I’m doing.” She shook her head as we made our way down the aisle one step at a time.
“No. I know how you must feel. All I can tell you is to trust in the Lord. He’ll take away your pain and replace it with joy. Kaiden was given to us as a gift and it’s not up to us to understand why he was taken so suddenly. We don’t question God’s timing…amen?”
“Yes ma’am,” I sniffled with a nod.
“That’s why I’m asking you to please say your goodbyes. Let God know you appreciate his gift no matter how short the time was.” She rubbed my back and I tried to hold in the tears begging to storm their way down my cheeks. I didn’t have the right to grieve harder than Kaiden’s mother. I would have to hold it in until I was on the way home.
As hard as it was for my feet to move toward that tiny white casket…I did it. I looked inside at Kaiden’s body and begged God to let it be a bad dream.
I touched his ice-cold hand and cried my fucking heart out. It bled out of my chest and ran rivers down my face. My expression was ugly as death itself as I curled my body over the casket. “I’m so sorry, Kaiden,” I bawled. My father’s strong hands moved me away after a few minutes and we sat in the back because he knew I wasn’t stable enough to sit in front.
I don’t care who the hell you are, there’s not enough time or strength in the world to prepare you to sit through a funeral for a five-year-old. That type of pain is unparalleled. I had no idea how Mrs. Foster managed to hold it together with so much poise. I could never be that strong.
Everything swam by me for the remainder of the day. So many people from Kaiden’s family stopped to talk to me and I tried to smile but I don’t think it translated. I wanted to be somewhere where I was allowed to cry and become undone. I needed to breathe. Texas was becoming far too suffocating.
“Cecily, thank you so much for coming. I know it was tough. I need you to know you’re not to blame for this. I know you’re taking a break and going home but can I give you a call when the police come up with something?” I saw some of the strength slipping from Mrs. Foster’s mask and it made me feel like shit.
“Of course,” I nodded. I reached out and gave her a hug then I squeezed her hand one more time. “Mrs. Foster, if there’s anything I can do…or if you just need to talk, please call me.”
“That means a lot, Cecily. I will.” She looked at my father and smiled at him. “Thank you for all your support, Mr. Weathers. You have a great daughter. Cherish her.” After that, she was pulled into a million different directions and Dad was pulling me out of the door.
Once we were in the quiet space of his car, I broke down in tears. My father knew me well enough to know I needed to cry. It was how I cleansed. I didn’t know if I’d ever cleanse completely from Kaiden’s death though.
“I think this break is gonna be good for you Cecily. You’re not staying in the house all day though. You can’t allow yourself to wallow in this even though I know it hurts, okay?” I didn’t respond with words, I nodded my head and stared out of the window from heavy, puffy eyelids that begged me to close them so I did. I fell into a deep sleep and for a moment I was able to forget about the horrors of the day.
I jerked forward when I realized the car had come to a stop. My eyes popped open and I looked around to see we were home…kinda. We were definitely back in New Orleans but instead of driving me straight to our house, Dad took me to the Stone house. My stomach went to pieces when I saw the black Monte Carlo in the driveway.
Bear was home.
“I figured we could pick Mom up from work and you could say hello to Bear. He’s like your big brother so I thought you’d like to see him.” Dad got out and opened the car door for me. His smile said that he hoped I was happy about his decision. I was but I was too exhausted to tell him.
I stood on the porch as memories flooded my brain. I used to sit outside with Bear and Wolf all the time and talk until Mom got done cleaning. Well, it was more like Bear and I talked while Wolf ran around finding people to terrorize.
I still texted Bear every day but I hadn’t seen him face-to-face in more than a year. I was supposed to see him last Christmas but his schedule was out of control and we couldn’t make it happen.
“Hey, Mr. Paul. I didn’t know you were coming to pick Luanne up.” Bear’s fiery copper eyes met mine and he forgot his words but only for a split second. Bear never was at a loss for words. He flashed a suave smile and my heart hit the roof of my mouth. “Cecily, what a surprise. Luanne didn’t tell me you were coming.Youdidn’t tell me either.” His voice dropped an octave letting me know he wasn’t pleased. I hated the feeling of being scolded by him. He always did it so swiftly that the sting only came afterward.
“I didn’t tell youwhowas coming?” Mom’s voice came from behind him. Bear turned around and put his arm around her shoulders. She seemed so tiny next to him. Bear wasn’t necessarily hulking like his namesake but he was taller than most and nothing about his build said he was a pushover.
In fact…
It looked like he’d gained even more muscle since the last time I saw him. He did say he hadn’t been sleeping well lately and that usually meant gym time for him.
“Luanne, you didn’t tell me Cecily was in town. It’s not spring break yet, is it?” The tone in his voice was something only meant for me to pick up on.
“No, it’s not,” I said quietly, grinding my toe into the cement porch. Bear nodded slowly then stepped aside to let me and Dad in. I realized I hadn’t told Bear about Kaiden. I knew he’d have my fucking head for keeping something so huge from him.
“Well, at any rate, it’s good to see you, little sis.” He let Mom go so he could hug me and I wondered if his hugs would have the same effect on me that they always did. When his strong arms wrapped around my middle, I felt small as a daisy in the shade of a redwood. My joints turned to jelly while I breathed in his warm, oaky scent. It clung to his neck and shoulders and the collar of his pristine burgundy shirt.
Still the same Bear.
