Page 65 of Bear
“Yes, she’s alive,” Luanne said.
“Do you know her?”
“Yes.”
I clenched my jaw and fisted my hand letting it fall to the desktop.
“Luanne, get out. I need to think.”
“Bear, you have to understand,” Sshe began with a trembling voice and hands to match.
“Get. Out.”
“No. You need to hear this.” Her chin trembled as she regarded me. It was a look that said she wasn’t going to move. At least Luanne wasn’t afraid of me. “This is my slip up and I’m going to try to fix it as best I can. Maybe God put it on my heart to say that. I don’t know. It was only meant to stay in my head though.”
“It’s out there now, Luanne. You just let me know that all my life you could have made things so much easier by telling me where my mother was so I could live with her. Instead, you helped me stay here. Withhim.” My words were forced out harshly through clenched teeth. Luanne looked at me with so much remorse it made my throat burn.
“Bear, I’m the only reason you and your mother are still alive. I offered to be her eyes and ears when Griffon took you. Your mother and father were in such a whirlwind relationship. He was in love with her. Her parents didn’t want her anywhere near him. She was a good church girl and she was on her way to becoming a chiropractor. Griff was into drugs and making fast money.” Luanne walked to the couch and sat down, crossing her legs and staring out of the window like she was reliving a memory.
I couldn’t believe the words pouring out of her. I couldn’t believe that my mother was actually alive and I wasn’t imagining the pull I had toward a woman I never remembered meeting. I used to feel in my gut that she was alive. I had no way of proving it though.
“They still found ways to be together.” Luanne shook her head slowly as if to chastise my mother in the past. “She would come home withbitesall over her neck. I mean…realbites. Not hickeys.” Luanne eyed me incredulously and from that one look, I knew me and Cecily hadn’t gotten as much past her as we thought. Embarrassment scorched my face and the back of my neck.
“When she got pregnant with you, she panicked because she knew the kind of father Griff was. He’d already said he wanted to groom his sons for the drug business from the start. She saw him with Hawk. She hated how Griff never let his mother see him. Of course he promised her things would be different with you. She believed him until she caught him cheating on her with Hawk’s mother…again. She accused him of having no loyalty. She threatened to run away with you and never let him see you.” Luanne clicked her tongue and sighed.
Even I knew that’s probably where my story took a fucked up turn. Nobody told my father no. Nobody threatened him.
“Did she run?” I found myself pissed off with Luanne for keeping such intricate and pivotal details about my life from me but I couldn’t stop listening to the story. I needed to know everything.
Luanne nodded her head and locked eyes with me. “She ran and hid in Texas up until it was time to have you. When she went to the hospital to give birth…guess who showed up? He was so charming with flowers and balloons but I’ll never forget your mother’s face when she saw him. It was like she watched the devil come for her soul. He told everyone he was your father and they handed you to him once she was done pushing and sweating and praying over you.
Your mother, your father, and I were the only people in that delivery room besides the nurses. I heard Griff tell her that he was taking you and there was nothing she could do about it unless she wanted to die or she wanted you to die. He told her that if she didn’t give you up willingly or if she sought legal action that he would hunt you and her down and kill you both.”
“And if she gave me up?” I asked.
“He’d groom you to take over his throne. He’d raise you to be like him in every way. He’d let you live. That’s all she cared about. She figured it was better that you be raised by him and be alive than to be dead while she suffered through agony and guilt for the rest of her life. Or worse…she’d end up dead trying to take you away from him.”
“And where the fuck doyoucome into play, Luanne? How did you end up being my fucking fairy godmother in all this?” I pierced her with my stare but she held my gaze, impressively.
“I offered to be the middleman. I told your mother I’d work for Griff and watch over you. I told her I’d give her all the pictures and updates. I’d make sure you had some goodness in you somewhere. I’d treat you like my own.”
“And Dad agreed to that shit? How did he know you wouldn’t help me escape one day and take me to my mother?”
“Because I’ve known both your mother and father since we were kids. I’m your godmother. Your mother and Griff chose me. He told me that if I ever left and took you, I’d die and so would you. Leaving you here alone wasn’t an option so I stayed here. I did whatever Griff told me to.
I dug myself into some pretty deep holes, but it was all for you and your mother, Bear. She got to see you graduate elementary, middle and high school. She saw you go to prom. She saw you take over your father’s empire when he went to jail too. She hasn’t seen you much since then but you’re all she ever talks about. Every time she sees you, her eyes light up and she talks about it for days and days afterward.”
My head throbbed in the worse way and my chest tightened so much it started to hurt. I pushed to my feet and paced the floor. “Luanne, you mean to tell me…I’ve been around my mother off and on my entire life and nobody fucking told me?” My voice shot to the ceiling, big and angry.
“We couldn’t tell you, Bear. Griff got off on knowing that you two were in the same room and you never knew. He didn’t want her to raise you or tell you who she was because he knew you’d never stay with him of your own volition. He knew you’d have a good heart like your mother. He wanted you to be like him. It was a really sick game.”
“And you took part in it? You helped him cover up who she was? You could have helped me! You could have helped me have a better fucking life than what I have now!”
“Bear, I love you like you’re my son. I couldn’t love you any more if I birthed you. I only wanted to protect you. I wanted the best outcome. One where nobody got killed.”
“Who. Is. She?” Anger and confusion pulsed through me at a rate I couldn’t control. The study wall was about to have another hole.
“I can’t tell you that. If I tell you so close to your father coming home, you’re going to confront him. If he finds out I told you…” She shook her head in a way that told me she was scared for her life and I knew she was being real. I saw fear crackle to life behind her brown eyes.
