Page 31 of Bear
In the middle of the night, I got a call saying they found the suspects, Cecily.” Her voice trembled with relief.
“That’s amazing! Did they bring them in?” I asked, eager to know. My stomach jittered up and down refusing to settle.
“There was no need to bring them in. They were found shot to death. I know I shouldn’t celebrate God’s children getting killed in the streets but Lord, forgive me. I’ve never been happier to hear about a double homicide. You can’t take one of God’s angels and think you won’t feel his wrath…amen?”
“Amen, Mrs. Foster.” I smiled against the phone and I realized I was happy to hear about their deaths too. “Thank you so much for calling and letting me know.”
“You’re welcome. Thank you for being there, Cecily. It means a lot to me that Kaiden had someone he loved with him in his last moments.” Mrs. Foster’s voice broke in half and all the pain came oozing out in the most heart-twisting cries I never wanted to hear again. I snapped my eyes shut but it didn’t stop the tears from rolling. I laid on my back and let them flood the hollows of my ears.
Bear rose up on his elbow and looked at me. I couldn’t read his face through the emotions clouding my vision. I didn’t know if he was worried or concerned or if he was impassive as usual.
Mrs. Foster and I cried together on the phone for a few moments then she said a prayer with me before ending the conversation. I exhaled and the weight of Kaiden’s death settled into my chest like cement.
“Hey, you okay?” When I felt Bear’s fingers wiping away tears from my cheeks I stiffened a bit from shock. I wasn’t used to him being so gentle.
“It’s a mixture of relief and self-loathing,” I answered honestly. “Mrs. Foster said they found Kaiden’s killers dead. I still can’t shake the thought that it should have been me in his place.”
“Don’t say shit like that, Cecily. I know how tempting it is but you can’t think that way. I don’t think the world would be the same without you.”
“Wouldyoube the same without me?” The question slipped out of my mouth without warning. I didn’t mean for it to but once it was in the air I couldn’t snatch it back. It was composed of mist that slipped through my fingers.
Bear cleared his throat and then fell silent. I never knew silence could be so icy.
Stupid, Cecily.
I moved to the edge of the bed and wiped my face quickly, trying to erase the sliver of vulnerability I let slip through. I was so fucking foolish. What made me think Bear would ever open up and admit he wanted and needed me in his world?
The mattress dipped and moved then Bear appeared in front of me. He curled his long fingers under my chin and made me look at him. Even though he was the last thing I wanted to look at, I couldn’t stop myself. I was a hopeless moth caught in the flames of his eyes.
The way I felt about him was worse than I thought. It was constant and it grew every damn hour once I acknowledged it. It seemed to have grown in my sleep.
“My world would never be the same without you, baby doll.” His eyes were different. They were softer.
“Bear, you don’t have to say that because you think I’m upset,” I told him. I told my stomach not to dare flop at his words but did it listen?
No.
“I didn’t say it because I thought you were upset. You know me better than that. I actually got some good sleep last night. My mind is clear. I meant what I said.
I also know how you feel about Kaiden. I wanted to die instead of Hawk. I still feel responsible for his murder. You never live that shit down. I don’t want that tacked to you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I’d never heard him be so open before. Maybe all he needed was some sleep.
“Wow…Bear, I don’t know what to say. Thank you for being so real.” I sniffled and held his other hand while his fingers were tucked under my chin.
“I don’t like seeing you so fucked up. Not you. You’ve never done anything wrong to anyone. You don’t deserve to feel like that. If anyone deserves to kick themselves over and over it’s me.” He sat beside me at the foot of the bed and stroked my hair. Sunlight skittered across my scalp when his fingers touched me.
“Bear, that feels so good,” I almost whispered.
“I’ve been wanting to run my fingers through your hair ever since you showed up the other day. You look beautiful with your hair straight.”
“Me?” I laughed because hearing Bear call anything outside of jazz and murder beautiful was unheard of.
“Yeah. You.” His eyes had a way of consuming me whole and leaving me breathless. I nibbled on my bottom lip and squirmed in my spot. Something invisible and thick swarmed me refusing to let my lungs expand.
Bear must have felt it too because he stood up and walked to the bedroom door, opening it wide. It was like he knew whatever was filling the bedroom up had to disperse before something happened between us. My core burned to know what that something would be.
My thoughts vanished in a puff of smoke when I heard Mom’s footsteps heading closer to the bedroom. I hadn’t even heard her come in the house. Bear must have heard her before I did.
