Page 19 of Bear
When my phone buzzed with a text message, Bear’s eyes slid over to my screen and I shielded it from his view. I still liked to poke him even though he always told me not to. He was so much fun to bother, I couldn’t help myself.
BBFL: How are you holding up? I didn’t want to bother you yesterday but I haven’t heard a word from you and now I’m worried.
Kareema was saved in my phone as BBFL because she was myBest Bitch For Life. I knew she was giving me space to grieve but I also knew my best friend couldn’t leave me alone for too long without checking in and I loved her for it.
Me: I’m taking it one day at a time. The funeral was rough. Still recovering. I slept like shit. I’m back home though.
BBFL: Home as in New Orleans?
Me: Is there any other home?
BBFL: You know WTF I mean, Cecily. Are you at your house with your parents or…
Me: I’m at Bear’s.
BBFL: I knew it. That’s why your black ass didn’t call or text. Big brother Bear has that ass on lockdown.
Me: Bye, Kareema.
BBFL: If you put your phone on do not disturb I will pop up at Bear’s house.
Me: He wouldn’t let you in.
BBFL: He loves me.
Me: He doesn’t love anyone.
I put my phone down and looked at Bear. My heart ached for him. I wanted him to find love. I wanted him to have friends and a family one day. I wanted him to be happy and see that life existed outside the veil Mr. Griffon pulled over his eyes.
“Tell Kareema I said what’s up.” Bear turned a corner and came to a stop in back of the butcher shop.
“How do you know it’s Kareema? What if it was my boyfriend and what if he doesn’t appreciate you always being around me?” I hid my smile well as I stared him down. Bear sniffed and killed the engine.
“You don’t have a boyfriend and if you did, I’d know all about him. I would have vetted him better than the fucking CIA.”
“You don’t know everything,” I snorted. The thing that unnerved the hell out of me was how Beardidseem to know everything. He knew my past. He knew my present and I swear on everything he seemed to know my future too.
“Keep telling yourself that but you don’t even believe that shit. I know everything. Especially about you, baby doll.” He ran his fingers through my hair and electricity danced along my scalp setting fire to my brain.
“Well, then you should know I don’t want to be here.”
“Oh, I know. You need to be though. It’s not about what you want. I need for you to see what real bad people do on purpose so you can stop beating yourself up over a horrible accident.”
“Bear,” I sighed, thumping against the dashboard with my palm. He shot me a warning look and I flipped him off. He hated handprints anywhere on or in his car. “You don’t have to be so extreme. Everything you do is extreme and I don’t even think you realize it. It’s just a part of who you are. You don’t have to go to the extreme to show me I’m not a bad person.”
“Then what the fuck do I need to do, Cecily? Because you keep kicking yourself and evidently, you’ve been doing it since this happened. I know it’s going to be a process and I’m willing to let you grieve and feel guilty but I’m not willing to let the way you see yourself change.”
“You don’t have control over that,” I said with hot tears pricking my eyes. Now wasn’t the time to think about Kaiden but guilt and mourning were rude. They barged in with wide bodies and squeezed themselves into spaces too small for them. I pulled in a deep breath and got my shit together because I knew Bear hated my tears. Not because it made him emotional…that was laughable. He hated them because they showed weakness. He didn’t stand for that.
“Chin up, baby doll. Those tears don’t have a place.”
I wiped them away quickly and nodded. He was right.
“Let’s go because you’re determined to show me things that are going to give me nightmares.”
“Let’s make a deal,” he said putting his arm around the back of the passenger seat. I turned to look at him while his fingers fell through my hair like water. It was intensely relaxing and calmed me down instantly. My heart felt lighter and the dark storm clouds lifted. “If you have nightmares you can come in my room like you used to when you were little.”
An involuntary smile pulled my lips up at the memory of tucking my ten-year-old body against Bear’s in the middle of the night when I got spooked because I heard gunshots downstairs. He always moved over and tossed me a pillow before going back to sleep. I knew I was invading his space but I also knew Bear would look out for me. I knew that sleeping beside him would dissolve every nightmare. The boogieman didn’t stand a fucking chance against Bear. He was the scariest person I knew.
