Page 73 of Defect
“They were bad enough for me to have to report them. Not bad enough for CPS to take him immediately. They’re doing an emergency visit tomorrow though.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Amaris?” My voice rose and my back stiffened.
“Well, I just got home from work where I was filing reports all evening. Then when I walked into the house, you were on my couch drinking wine and in your feelings about Ezra. I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to blurt it out.”
I rested my elbows on the kitchen table and let my spine go slack. “I’m sorry for blowing up. I’m so stressed out right now I feel like screaming.” My energy was all over the place. I was high and low and left and right. It was everything but centered.
“I’ll be at the school tomorrow,” I told her.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Solana.”
“Why the hell not? He needs me and I’m going to be there for him.”
“I want the caseworker to see everything that Malachi goes through. I don’t want them to see how happy he is after he sees you.” She turned to look at me. Her eyes pled with mine. “You have to believe I know what I’m talking about. You can’t interfere. The more you do, the longer it’ll take to get him out of that situation. I want to put fire to Vince’s ass. This should do it.”
I was so upset my hands were shaking. I hated thinking about Malachi getting hurt and not being there to help him. “Why didn’t he text me?” I wondered out loud.
“I don’t know, Solana but it’s good he didn’t. I’m not going to let anything happen to him.”
“You can’t stop Vince from hurting him. Nobody is there with him right now. We don’t know what the hell he’s doing.”
“I know. You don’t think I know that?” Her shoulders tightened and she rested the heels of her hands on the counter. “This is a tense time right now but you have to know I’m doing everything in my power to help him. Let me see where this next in-home visit goes and I’ll let you know what you can do to help.”
I sat at the kitchen table feeling more helpless than I’d felt in a long time. I couldn’t help Ezra, I couldn’t help Malachi, and my heart couldn’t handle it. I nodded in response to Amaris and sat in silence while she finished up the tacos.
“Please don’t be sad. I hate when you’re sad. You’re always the little ray of annoying sunshine in my world. I hate when you’re gloomy.”
“I can’t help it. I’m at my best when I can help the people I love. I can’t do that right now.”
“You have to realize it’s okay. In the moments you can’t help those around you…help yourself. Nobody likes when you’re down. Go do something for yourself to bring your energy back up.”
“I guess you’re right,” I said.
“I’m your big sister. I’m always right.” She smiled at me but I didn’t feel like smiling back. She was right though. I had to get my energy up.
After I ate dinner and let Amaris love on me for a little while, I went back home hoping to run into Ezra. I knew better though because I didn’t give him a key to my house. I found myself regretting that. I hoped he wasn’t in the house with his mother. She was toxic for him.
When I walked into my bedroom, I missed Ezra so much looking at the broken bedframe pushed against the wall and my queen-sized mattress on the floor. My chest felt heavy going back and forth worrying about him and Malachi. I sat on the floor of my bedroom and meditated until my mind cleared like a blank page.
Then I did the only thing I knew to do to keep my mind from running wild.
I went to sleep.
…
I woke up groggy and missing the feeling of Ezra’s big arms around my waist. I sat in the lotus position on my mattress and scrolled through bed frames online until I found one I could afford that would withstand Ezra’s bulky body. No more wooden frames for me. It would have to be only metal from now on.
I picked out one, paid for it then got up and ready for work. I showered and washed my hair letting it curl up in the hot water. When I got out, I blow dried my curls, pulled them up in a fluffy ponytail, and got dressed in my usual outfit.
I itched to go to Malachi’s school but I tried to listen to Amaris and stay put. It hurt that I couldn’t go to him. I couldn’t take him fresh clothes or give him a hug and let him know I loved him. I couldn’t pour positivity into him from the depths of my soul. I had to let him get abused. I had to stand by while his stomach rumbled and he wore torn and tattered clothes.
God, I was off kilter.
I couldn’t wait to get to the studio and practice. I needed major stress relief yoga. Rarely did I practice at home before I started my day. I usually started my day with yoga at Sun Goddess. I needed an emergency session though.
I got into the cattail position for five minutes per side, breathing deeply and pushing all the pain out of my heart. Then I sat in the dragonfly position for five minutes paying attention to my breathing and the way my heart thumped. I felt some stress lift from my chest but not enough. I sat up straight and pulled my left leg forward while pushing my right leg back then I bent all the way over at the waist, resting my forehead on the floor.
My limbs burned but it pushed my focus to them instead of all the other chatter going on in my brain. After a few seconds, the light burn in my muscles settled and I was able to breathe through the pose for a while. I came out of the position and sat still for a moment.
