Page 40 of Defect
“He pulled me out of my shell all the time. Right before the…crash,” I said trying to dislodge that word from my throat. “He was pushing me to get this girl’s number. That shit seems like it was a lifetime ago.”
“Get a girl’s number?” Solana raised her eyebrow and looked at me for more information. I didn’t miss the way she pulled her hand away from mine. I narrowed my eyes and looked at her for a few beats.
“Yeah…”
“Was she in your class?” She wrapped her arms around her slender body.
“Not my homeroom. I had a few classes with her though. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen but…” Solana’s arms went from being wrapped around her body to being folded defiantly. He delicate chin was tipped upward. I stifled my laughter.
“But what?” She asked.
“Then I met you.” I touched her chin and she smiled a little bit.
“Aren’t you sweet?”
“Nah. I’m not. I do tell the truth even when I don’t want to though and you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’m glad you’re my friend.”
“Me too, Ezra.” She stretched her legs out and climbed over to sit in my lap. That shit gave me a whole host of new shit to think about. I wrapped an arm around her tiny waist then picked up the collage of pictures.
“We were in middle school right here,” I told her. I pointed to a picture of me and Everett wearing matching outfits.
“Oh my god, you two were dressed alike?”
“Yeah. We hated doing that shit in real life but it was literally twin day at school for spirit week. We won hands down.”
“I bet. It was an unfair advantage but it is what it is,” she shrugged with a laugh.
Solana sat nestled in my lap for nearly an hour while I explained every picture to her. She listened to me talk about Everett. She grew quiet when I got emotional and she cried when I did.
She heard me.
“I guess I have to break these pictures down now,” I said looking at them once more.
“You can take them like this and put them on your wall at home, Ezra. I think it would be nice to have these memories.”
“It would be,” I agreed. I hated that I had to move from that spot because I felt whole right there. When I moved, Solana got up and walked around the bedroom.
“Do you want to keep any of his books?” She asked, leaning to the side eyeing the bookshelf.
“Nah. Those are mainly books he stole from me. Fucker.”
“Does it matter where I put them?” She asked, looking around.
“No. My mother didn’t give me any guidelines. She just unlocked the door, let me in and left.”
“I’m trying hard not to judge your mother because I understand how loss affects people differently but she’s flat-out shitting on you for no reason. Like you aren’t going through pain too. Oh, and what the fuck was that back at home? Why was she acting like you were unable to talk or think for yourself?”
“That’s been the case since I got out of the hospital. I told you.”
“That’s bullshit, Ezra. I’m sorry. You’ve been coming to work for an entire week on time and you do exactly what you’re supposed to do.” She set a pile of books in a plastic tub and moved to the next shelf. “She’s probably the reason why you think something is wrong with your brain.”
“I can tell something is wrong with me, Solo. I don’t need my mother in my ear for that. I’m not the same. I’m angry all the time and…”
“Look at me, Ezra.” She took a step closer to me and I looked down at her beautiful chocolate eyes. “You’re angry all the time because your mother snatched away the opportunity for you to say goodbye to the person you shared a womb with. You’re angry because you have survivor’s guilt. You’re angry because you don’t understand why you’re alive when your brother isn’t. On top of that, you have your own mother telling you all the time that you’re not normal. You have every fucking right to be angry but that doesn’t mean you can’t function.”
I heard her words but they didn’t make sense. I was in the hospital. I’d seen doctor after doctor and had tons of tests done. “I know you think nothing is wrong with me, Solo but I know what I feel.”
“And what you feel is a mixture of things but it’s not what you think it is.”
