Page 23 of Defect
She brought her fingers up to her mouth and stared at me. “Oh my god, Ezra…I am so fucking sorry.” It was the first time someone told me they were sorry and I actually felt like they meant it. I could see the tears starting to shimmer in her eyes. It made them look translucent.
“That’s probably why you can feel how sad I am,” I told her with a shrug. “My head went through the windshield but he died. Now…”
“You’re feeling like you’re all alone because the person you’ve known since conception is gone. I can’t imagine the weight of that. Can I hug you, please?” She took a timid step toward me and I lowered my head before the tears always present in my mind rolled down my cheeks. When I nodded my head, Solana wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her warm cheek against my face.
I didn’t want to crush her tiny frame but the pull to hug her was too strong for me to resist. I wrapped my arms around her body and held her close. Without my permission, sadness streaked my cheeks and rolled down to my chin. “It’s okay,” she whispered in my ear. Her soft lips brushed against my skin and even tangled in thick ropes of anguish, I felt the electricity crackle to life between us. “I know it doesn’t feel okay but it’ll be okay. I promise.”
“How?” I sobbed quietly against the tiny woman with a huge spirit. She held me like I was smaller than her.
“I’ll help you,” she said. “I’ll be your friend.” She cupped my face in her warm hands and wiped my tears with her thumbs. When I looked at her I saw she was crying as much as I was. She heard my wounded heart. She didn’t run from my broken brain.
She didn’t think I was a defect.
She wanted to be my friend.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to be friends with you, Solana. You’re gorgeous and I’ll probably scare you off because I won’t be able to stop staring at you.”
“Well, now that I know you’re way too young for me to look at the way I’ve been looking at you…trust me, it’ll be easy. We’ll fall into a rhythm of friendship before you know it.”
“Wait…” a chuckle fell from my lips in spite of the pain rumbling in my chest. “How were you looking at me?” I asked.
“What? Oh…did I say that out loud? Shit. I have to get better at keeping my mouth shut.” She tucked her full bottom lip between her teeth and I laughed a little more. It was the first time I’d laughed since I lost my brother.
“Yeah, you said that out loud.”
“Well, ignore it. We’ll be friends. I know I can’t ever replace your twin but if you let me, I’ll do everything I can to help you and be there for you.”
“Solana…there’s something you need to know about me,” I said pulling away from her beautiful warmth. I was getting ready to tell her how broken I was inside. How dark and useless my brain was.
“What do I need to know about you besides the fact that your energy is beautifully sad and you need a friend?”
“I’m not right in the head. When I went through the windshield it fucked my brain up. I have frontal lobe trauma and it affects how I act. I blurt things out, I have angry outbursts, I don’t make great choices anymore…” When I looked at her, she was smiling instead of pulling away.
“Ezra, nothing is wrong with you. My brain is fucked up too. I have PTSD from getting my ass beat when I was with my ex. I still have nightmares about the way he hit me like I was a grown man. I still wake up worried that he finally snapped and killed his son and himself.
Your brain isn’t fucked up because your head went through a windshield. You’re heartbroken because you lost your twin brother.” She walked closer to me and touched the side of my face.
“No, the doctors said…” She put her finger over my lips and stunned me silent.
“Fuck those doctors. They can’t tell you how to feel or how to heal. Let me help you. Okay?” She reached behind herself and handed me a mug of tea. I took it gladly and raised it to my lips.
“Okay.” The tea tasted like flowers and earth. I frowned at it and held it away from my face. “What the fuck is in that?” Solana’s face lit up with laughter. It twinkled through the air and eased the pain inside of me like salve on a burn.
“It’s chamomile and lavender. It’s amazing for relaxation. Try it.”
“It needs sugar. Lots of sugar.”
“No. White sugar is like crack. I’ll give you a little raw honey but by the time I’m done with you, you’ll be drinking that tea straight.”
“Yeah…okay.”
“I’m serious, Ezra. It’s good for you.” She dipped a spoon coated with creamy honey into my mug and stirred it. I locked eyes with her and she fought off the smile dying to light up her face.
“I’m eighteen,” I told her.
“Jesus you’re young. Wait, why are you telling me how old you are? We’ve already established this is a friendship because you’re too damn young for anything else.”
“I’m telling you because I see the way you’re looking at me.” Once again, my brain wouldn’t let me keep thoughts inside my head.
