Page 61 of Defect
“I’m serious. Amaris purchased my first LLC for me and she helped me get Sun Goddess. I didn’t do it on my own. After I fled from Vince I went to her house. I was a mess, Ezra.” I shook my head at the memory. “I was broken and not just physically. My mind was broken. I thought something was wrong with me. I’d never been in an abusive relationship. I didn’t understand why someone I thought I loved would do something like that to me…to his own son. He eviscerated my self-image.” I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up at Ezra.
“I…can’t picture you broken and defeated, Solo. You’re so resilient and smart and always happy. You’re my sunflower.” He kissed the back of my hand and my heart exploded with warmth and love.
“It happens when someone is constantly telling you that you’re nothing. That you need them because you couldn’t survive on your own without them.” I hoped Ezra realized how familiar everything sounded. He narrowed his eyes and nodded at me. “Amaris let me crash with her but she wouldn’t let me wallow in self-pity. I got a job teaching yoga classes at the college and the dean told me my sessions were so popular that I should open up my own studio.
When I talked to Amaris about it, she agreed and told me she’d match whatever I made teaching classes at the college. We put every single penny into opening Sun Goddess. My point is, Ezra, I wouldn’t have any of this without her help. Now I want to pay it forward to you.”
“Damn. I had no idea, Solana. Here I was thinking you got all this on your own and pulled yourself up after your fucked up relationship.”
“Nope. That’s why when I hear you talk about being broken I feel so close to you. I told you, if you have irreversible brain trauma, so do I. I used to have nightmares about Vince coming to find me or killing Malachi. I watched the news religiously, looking to hear a story about a man losing his shit and killing himself and his son. You pulled me out of that. I’ll never stop worrying about Malachi but with you around, I’m at peace.”
He reached over and curled his fingers around the back of my neck. Whenever he did that, I tingled all over.
“You’re too good for me,” he said before kissing my lips. “I have this fear…” He swallowed and his Adam’s apple wobbled a bit in his throat. I didn’t know what he was about to say but I could feel its weight hovering over us. “That you’re too good for me and that I’ll break you because I’m so fucked up.” He lowered his head and looked down at our fingers intertwined. “That’s why I was so good at staying away from you because I was scared I’d stain you with my dirty hands.”
“Oh my god, Ezra. No.” I cupped his face in my hands and shook my head. “The only reason I didn’t want our relationship to change was because you’re so young. You have so much life to live and we’re in different places.”
“Too different to make it work?” His voice was full of hope and sadness at the same time. I sucked in a deep breath and quieted every raging thought inside of myself. I had to give some thought to what was happening between us.
“There’s only one way to find out, Ezra. I’m, going to be honest with you. If we’re going to be together, it’s going to be hard as fuck. I think we should put everything on the table and make a decision based on that. Our two biggest things to reconcile are your mother and Malachi.”
“I don’t mind Malachi. I want you to adopt him. I think it would be fucking fantastic. Every kid should get the chance to grow up with someone like you, Solana. You’re like a burst of fresh air and positivity.” I smiled at his words. He was so sweet sometimes. I didn’t want to imagine what life would be like without him. I wanted us to work no matter how hard it would be. Nothing worth having came easy.
“You know, if I adopt him eventually and we’re together that…”
“I’m going to have to step up in his life too. I get it. You have no idea how much I’ve thought about that.”
“What if we survive everything, Ezra? That means I’ll be Malachi’s mom. It means you’ll be…”
“His dad? His step-dad? Whatever the situation is, Solana as long as it comes with you I’ll take it.”
“It’s easy to say that now, but when you have a little person that needs attention in the middle of the night or new shoes and clothes every three months when you want to buy yourself things…” I paused and took a deep breath. “Ezra, there’s a reason why it’s not smart for teenagers to become parents. And even if you were a phenomenal father figure to him I’d feel like you missed out on getting to be care-free.”
“I was care-free for a long time. My whole fucking life, Solana.” I hated feeling like I was tearing him away from life just because I wanted him. Was I that selfish?
“Let’s ride this out right now. Let’s cross our bridges when we get to them.”
“That’s fine but I want to know what you feel about my brain injury. Right now, my mother is taking care of me and I know that doesn’t sit well with you.” He was right but I didn’t know how far to push that topic before he got defensive.
I walked to the main yoga area and unrolled a mat quietly. Ezra followed me and unrolled a mat next to mine. We sat quietly while I pulled strength from the universe to talk to him about his mother.
“Solo,” he called out to me. I opened my eyes and looked at him. “What’s going through your mind?”
“I’m trying to figure out how to talk to you about your mother. We can go back and forth all day about figuring out how to handle things with Malachi but your mother is a different beast.”
“I know having to help someone with brain damage isn’t what you signed up for. This is what I meant about breaking you. Do you know how much time and patience it takes to deal with me when I have an outburst?”
I put my hand on his and shook my head. There was so much he still didn’t see. “Ezra, you’ve never had an outburst with me. Even when you get angry, you don’t have outbursts. You’re not violent and you’re not incapable of doing normal things. I lived with someone who had violent outbursts. You’re nothing like him. You have such a gentle soul. You have the most beautiful energy I’ve ever experienced. Getting angry is normal. Don’t let your mother convince you otherwise.”
“But I’ve snapped at you before. I felt like shit for it too.”
“You snapped at me. Okay?” I shrugged my shoulders and moved over to him to sit in his lap. Sometimes I got through to him better when I was right on top of him. It didn’t have anything to do with sex but when I could make him focus on nothing but my eyes, he heard me.
“Ezra, that wasn’t a violent outburst. A violent outburst is when you get home from work and the house is a mess so you break my jaw. A violent outburst is when you get irritated with a child for crying so you hit him then you hit me for protecting him and break three of my ribs. A violent outburst is chasing me through the house threatening to kill me.” I let the tears fall as I relived my most terrifying moments with Vince. Ezra wiped them away and kissed my cheeks. “I’d take you snapping over all of that any day, okay? You’re not a monster. Don’t try to fit into that box. It’s not made for you.”
“Then why do I feel like such a monster? Why do I feel like I’m not capable of making a woman like you happy?”
“Because you live with someone who constantly pumps toxic thoughts into your head. How are you supposed to ever grow beyond what your mother says you can’t do? Ezra, I wish you could see all the beauty in yourself that you see in me. It’s there. I’d do anything to bring it out and lay it flat for you to look at. You should fall in love with yourself the same way I’m falling for you.”
