Page 35 of Defect
Solo: Friend, are you flirting?
Me: No. Stating facts. You want me to call you ugly instead?
Solo: You better not. Now, why are you up early? Wanna come over for coffee?
Me: Are you flirting?
Solo: Ha. You wish.
Me: I might sneak over there. Mom is sleep right now.
Solo: Don’t chance it, Ezra.
I wanted to see her though. I stared out of my window and like she knew I was looking at her room from mine, she pulled back the curtains. I saw her cocoa skin and pretty smile from all the way across the street. She was a fucking goddess. She waved at me and I waved back.
Me: I want to see you.
Solo: I’m right here in the window.
She pointed to herself and I laughed a little. Ever since Everett died, the only person to make me smile and laugh had been her. Magic was stitched into the fabric of her being. I wanted her to cover me in it even if it meant she could only do it as my friend.
Sometimes, I sat in Sun Goddess watching her and wondering what I did to be both so lucky and so unfortunate at the same time. I was lucky as hell to have Solana in my life but it was the most unfortunate thing in the world to only be able to be her friend.
If I ever had the chance to be more I’d treat her like a queen.
Then reality slapped me hard in the mouth. It left a bitter taste on my tongue. I was broken. She didn’t want me. Even if she did, I broke everything I touched and I would break her too if I had the chance. I would want to treat her like a queen but it wouldn’t happen. I’d lash out at her. I’d hurt her feelings. I’d dim her light.
We were better off being friends.
Me: You’re tiny far away and up close. That’s some kind of record, right?
Solo: Fuck you, Ezra. I’m tiny but I’ll slap the hell out of you.
Me: Prove it.
Even from my bedroom window, I could see her flip me off. I laughed and she must have heard it because she laughed too. I guess I laughed a little too loud and long because my mother barged in with a heavy scowl on her face.
More gray hairs had taken over her head and now fine lines were starting to stretch across her forehead. She was aging before my eyes. “Ezra, who are you in here talking to? Don’t lie to me either because I heard you in here laughing. Are you on the phone?”
“No, Ma. I’m not. I wasn’t doing anything and I wasn’t talking to anyone.” I put my phone to sleep and glanced out of the window. I saw Solana’s shadow move and I felt the pang of missing her light and warmth already.
“Uh huh. Well, it’s time for us to get up. We need to finish moving things out of the old house and I expect you to take care of your brother’s room.”
“Okay,” I said slowly. “I’m going to walk up to the gas station and get coffee. I’ll be back.”
“And just where are you getting money for coffee from, Ezra?”
“My wallet,” I laughed a little. I moved over to the closet and Mom stood there glaring at me. I swear I could feel hatred pouring off her. I had no idea when the control turned into hate but I felt the shift. I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes.
If she had her way, I’m sure she’d lock me away and not let me do anything for myself. Working for Solana showed me that I was capable of getting up, getting to work on time, and actually learning how to do new things.
I didn’t feel like an invalid anymore but I definitely still felt broken.
“I didn’t give you any money so where are you getting it from, Ezra?” She stood in my room while I got dressed and didn’t move one inch to give me privacy.
“Why does it matter? I have enough money to get a fucking coffee and you’re chewing me out over it.”
“Watch your mouth! I am so tired of you talking to me any kind of way. Where is your respect, little boy?” Thunder and lightning crackled to life in my skull, banging around from side to side. My head thumped and throbbed with dull pain. Anger stiffened my muscles and I tried to let go of it but it clung to me. It was hot and sticky like tar. I tried to remember all the breathing I learned with Solana and how she helped me to calm down and find peace. Peace evaded me right then.
