Page 12 of Defect
The guard walked me down a hallway to a private room with a heavy metal door. When he escorted me inside, I saw Antonio and his parents seated at the table. Antonio’s nose was bandaged and his face was a swollen mess of black and purple bruises. His eye was swollen shut and his lip was completely busted.
Damn.
I fucked him up pretty bad.
Still no remorse.
“Ezra, hello,” Mrs. Morris said quietly when I sat down. She tipped her head back a bit and looked into my eyes. “I’m so sorry we’re seeing you under these circumstances.”
“You have my condolences for Everett, son,” Mr. Morris sighed.
“Thank you,” I said through clenched teeth. It wasn’t that I was angry with them, I was pissed that everyone got to say their final goodbyes to Ev but me.
“Let me start off by saying we don’t condone what you’ve done. Toni’s nose is crushed, his jaw is broken and he has a black eye among other things. However, we did watch the security tape after Principal Dorsey brought it to our attention that Toni spat on you.” Mr. Morris cleared his throat as if it would unclog the anger and annoyance. It didn’t.
“Under California law, spitting on someone in the way Antonio spit on you can be seen as an act of assault. So, we will not press charges because what you did was in self-defense. Also, we know that Everett and Toni were best friends and we know that you miss your brother. I can’t imagine how it feels to lose someone so close to you. I don’t know what my son thought he was doing by spitting on you like that but I am sorry, Ezra. That is not how we raised him. He could have had some common decency toward you after everything you’ve been through.” His mother sounded disgusted by her own son.
“We just wanted to tell you that face to face. You don’t have to worry about us pressing charges,” Mr. Morris said with a nod. He stood up and helped Antonio up.
“Son, do you have anything to say to Ezra?” Mrs. Morris asked, folding her arms.
“Sorry,” he gurgled. I didn’t respond. I looked at him and folded my hands together on top of the small metal table I was seated at.
Once the Morris family left, I was escorted out and processed out of holding. Mom was waiting for me at the front of the building. I walked right past her. “Seriously, Ezra? What is your problem?” She exploded with her hands over her head like that would finally warrant a response from me. Because yelling at someone and flailing your limbs around like a psycho always gets people to communicate with you.
“I want to go the fuck home,” I told her.
“I want you to talk to the pastor at church because he has an amazing therapy program that…”
“I don’t want therapy from someone who yells at people on Sundays. If I’m going to go to therapy, I’m going to go to a doctor. Not a pastor.” I stalked to her car and got into the passenger’s seat, slamming the door.
“You will go talk to the pastor. I already told him you were coming. He’s expecting you tomorrow.”
“Okay?” I clicked my seatbelt into place and a sinking feeling started to eat away at my stomach. I felt uneasy whenever I got into the car with my mother since the accident. Even though I couldn’t remember the details of everything that happened, my energy remembered.
“Principal Dorsey told me that the superintendent is moving forward with expulsion. You won’t be able to go to school anymore, Ezra. Are you happy?”
“Yes,” I nodded.
“Lord God, please help my son.”
“I thought your sons died. Who the fuck am I then?” I quizzed.
“Ezra, please. You have got to stop this. I know you’re aware of what you’re saying and you know it’s not right to continually disrespect your mother the way you are. This is outrageous. How am I supposed to help you for the rest of your life with you treating me like this? You think I don’t hurt every day for Everett too? You’re not the only one in pain. I wish you would stop acting like you are. I lost my son! Do you know how unnatural that is? A parent should never have to bury their child. I’m heartbroken.”
“You, you, you. That’s all I hear. You don’t ever ask me how I feel. You only care about how you feel. You care about how everything makes you feel. I’m sorry I don’t care about your feelings right now, Ma. You’re alive. You’re fine. You walked away without a scratch on you. My twin is in the motherfucking ground and I didn’t say goodbye. It’s only been a month.
You expect me to jump right back into normal life? I don’t have a normal life! My brain is fucked up and I can’t do anything I had planned for my life. I’m sorry if wondering how you feel isn’t at the top of my list. Right now I don’t give a fuck about how you feel.
I don’t even know how to feel anymore. Everett was a piece of me and I have to function in this world without him. I’m going to adjust however I need to.” I wanted to shrink myself. I wanted to run away and pick the rotten pieces of myself out. Maybe I’d be normal again if I did that.
Maybe if I picked out enough of the black and broken bits of me, time would rewind itself and I could have Everett back. Even if it were only long enough to say goodbye it would soothe my cinder block of a heart.
“Well, now that you’ve gotten that out. I was thinking that if you’re going to be expelled from school we’ll get you enrolled in some night classes and you can get your GED. It’s not a big deal. It might be better for you that way.”
It was like she didn’t hear a word I said. Thoughts sank into my head like rocks. She would never hear me. I stared out of the window and watched the palm trees whiz by until we pulled into the driveway of our house.
Walking inside, I felt the same emptiness I’d been feeling since I got home from the hospital. I hated it. It gnawed at my stomach with serrated teeth. I rushed up the stairs to my room, training my eyes on the carpet beneath my feet. I still couldn’t look at Everett’s door. Whenever I did look at it, I imagined him on the other side listening to bass-heavy rap music. I could hear his laugh.
