Page 43 of Honey Sugar
“He was just leaving.” Titan folded his arms across his chest and stared at Daddy.
“Why? Did you tell him I need to get right for tonight? I’m so stressed with all the grieving and shit.”
“You’re not grieving, Daddy. You’re going through withdrawals.”
“Oh, your uncle needs some help? I can get him right.” Mario ran a hand over his chin and smirked at Daddy. The two instantly hit it off and Daddy left the house not caring about what else happened. He didn’t care that I’d have to put everything away. Handle all the food and flowers and clean up. He didn’t care that my heart was in pieces and the only person I had to lean on was broken too.
What was the purpose of having a father? He was a joke. He was a hollow pillow where I was expected to lay my head. A bitter disappointment.
“Yo, Shadow, come see me tomorrow!” Mario called before getting in his car with Daddy and Shea and driving off, kicking up dust as his car disappeared down the long road.
There were still several other customers and people from town lingering around in the parlor where we had the funeral. Titan and I stood side by side like a couple hugging them one last time and thanking them for coming to pay their respects. Our hands touched so many palms that they were ashy by the time Titan closed the door on the last visitor.
“I’m exhausted,” I said, rubbing my forehead. I was too exhausted to be sad and I was grateful for the fatigue.
“You’re not exhausted like you think. You’re high as hell on Xans, Ivy. You think I don’t know you popped pills before the funeral?” His tone sliced through me and I felt like I would fall on my face.
Instead, I lashed out at him. “You’re bitching at me for taking pills on the day of our mothers’ funeral but you can flirt with another girl right in my face like…like it was nothing?” Hot tears spilled out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.
“You know goddamn well it wasn’t like that.”
“I know what I saw, Titan!” I looked around the kitchen at the food occupying space on all the countertops and the flowers sitting on the tables. The smell of them suddenly overwhelmed me and I felt like I would be sick.
I couldn’t take it.
The moment was closing in on me faster and faster until I felt like I was suffocating. I had to leave. I grabbed my keys and stormed out of the house, leaving everything where it was. I didn’t want to put away the food or gifts or flowers. I didn’t care if it all sat and rotted away to mold and dust and nothing.
My chest ached and burned. I needed space to unravel and fall apart. I needed space to cry and yell and curl into a ball. So I went to my happy place. The place coated in golden memories that didn’t hurt as much to pull to the forefront of my mind.
Honey Sugar.
The thick smell of honey rolled over me when I walked in and I cried. I cried because I remembered my mother pouring huge jars of honey into pots on the stove and showing me how to stir it just right. I cried because I could see her smiling down at me while she handed me a lollipop. Her eyes were always sad and I always hated it but the taste of honey made things better. It made things sweeter and softened the blow.
I sat under the overhang of the counter like I used to when I was little and pulled my knees up to my chest. I was glad it was dark in there. Splinters of light peeked through the shutters pulled down behind the windows but they didn’t interfere with my need for darkness and solitude.
I don’t know how long I sat there in my secret space in my happy place. I was dancing somewhere between awake and sleep. The Xanax made it hard for me to concentrate.
I heard the bell at the front door jingle and my heavy, swollen eyes opened. I lifted my head and looked at the shadowy figure. I knew it was Titan. He was the only person who had the other key to Honey Sugar.
“I knew you came here when you ran off.” He locked the door behind himself and sat beside me under the counter like he’d done hundreds of times before. God, so many of my first memories came from the sweet shop and summers with Titan. He was my first best friend. Now he was my only friend. I was still pissed with him even though it was misplaced.
“Get away from me, Titan.”
“Oh, you’re mad at me?” He asked with a dry chuckle. “I should be pissed at you for still taking those fucking pills. Was that your doctor who pulled you off to the side before the funeral started?” Titan’s coal eyes found mine in the shadows beneath the counter. I nodded my head with my lips rolled between my teeth. Titan shook his head slowly. It was a gesture that screamed disappointment. I hated it.
It rubbed my skin raw when I didn’t think it could get any more chafed after today. “Why do you think he keeps giving you pills, Ivy?” He asked. His voice was so gruff. There was something else mixed in but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I only knew that it drove me wild and made me clench in places I didn’t know I could clench.
“Because I have anxiety and…”
“Fuck that. He’s stringing you along hoping that one day you’ll fuck him. I saw the way he looked at you. I saw how he leaned down to speak into your ear. He doesn’t want to help you. He wants to keep you dependent on him until one day you have to bargain with him. I see shit like that all the time. Pretty girls with habits are the easiest to manipulate. That shit doesn’t change just because he’s a doctor.”
“How am I supposed to cope, Titan? You just don’t…”
“I just what? I don’tunderstand? I don’t know how it feels to lose your mother?” His nostrils flared as his hot gaze fixed me to my spot. It wasn’t like I wanted to move but even if I wanted to, Titan made it impossible. “I don’t know how it feels to find her dead body or to have her snatched away when you weren’t expecting it? I don’t know how it feels to literally just see your mother one minute and then have her be dead the next?” His laugh was bitter and it chewed through all the sweetness inside Honey Sugar.
“Titan…I wasn’t trying to say that.”
“That’s what you said though, Ivy. I don’t understand how it feels to need to cope.” He turned his head to face me and I saw tears shimmer in the whites of his eyes. “I dumped all your pills in the toilet after you ran out of the house. You don’t lock your car so I took the ones out of there too. They’re all gone.”
