Page 16 of Honey Sugar
“I hear you, bro. Hit me up when you get back in town tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah. I got you, Mario.” I ended the call and looked at baby girl beside me. “I’m going to get a new phone tomorrow.”
“Why?” Her arched brows knitted together as she regarded me.
“Mario is pretending to be way too fucking invested in where I went last night after the parades died down. I don’t trust him.”
“What do you think he’s going to do, Titan…or should I call you Shadow?”
“Don’t call me that shit. Shadow is who I am to everyone out there. In here…I’m Titan.”
“Okay.” She grabbed the remote and turned the TV on to slice through the silence starting to accumulate all around us.
“I’m going to get in the shower and get ready to grab some food. You want anything?”
“You’re going out to get food?” She frowned.
“Yeah. Uncle Beau still make Aunt Liv fix crawfish Alfredo every Monday?”
“You remember that?” She laughed and it sounded light and airy. Like she was floating on a cloud. I studied her face for a moment before nodding. I loved Aunt Liv’s crawfish Alfredo but I didn’t want any right then. I wanted a burger and fries.
“Yeah, that’s what she’s fixing. What are you going to get?” She stretched her arms high above her head and her shirt lifted. The thin pink elastic band of her panties peeked from under the hem and I turned my head to the door. She definitely wasn’t my baby cousin anymore.
“Burger and fries,” I muttered, turning the knob in my hand.
“Can I come with you?” She hopped up and rifled through her drawer for a pair of jeans. I stepped into the hallway while she bent down and pulled out the perfect pair. I checked my phone and made sure there were no more texts from Mario.
“Yeah, let’s do it. I’ll come knock on your door when I’m ready.” I went to the guest bathroom at the end of the hall and gladly ran myself a hot shower. I wanted something scalding to wash away the invisible blood that would always be on my hands, staining my palms and fingers so that only I could see.
I took a shower when I got home to wash off any microscopic DNA but this shower was for my soul. This was to rinse away the guilt, heavy like lead on my shoulders and back. This was to start the restoration process and to reconcile my remorseful thoughts and feelings.
I killed because I had to.
I stepped into the shower and bowed under the spray of water while I rested my hand against the slick tiled wall. My stomach was swimming. Every time I thought about the way that bullet showed no remorse. I got queasy. Seeing someone get killed and actually pulling the trigger were two distinct feelings. I’d seen plenty of people get killed in front of me but I’d never killed anyone. I’d shot someone before but it wasn’t fatal. It wasn’t what happened in the alley.
There wasn’t soap strong enough to wash that shit away.
Water rolled down my cornrows and I realized I hadn’t washed my hair. My fingers worked upward from the ends up my hair until every braid was opened and my black hair fell in waves at my shoulders. I used whatever shampoo was sitting on the side of the tub and washed my hair and my beard. When I was clean from head to toe, I got out and went to the humid four walls of my new room.
Something told me I’d be there for much longer than I planned.
…
CHAPTER FOUR
I couldn’t believe Mama and Daddy let me go out with Titan to get something to eat. Daddy took one look at Titan through glassy green eyes and grunted at him as he guzzled moonshine from a mason jar. Mama looked at me apologetically then turned her head.
I was free to go.
Riding around with my big cousin felt like riding on top of the world. It could have also been the four Xanax pills I took while Titan was on the phone. I liked to think it was a little bit of both.
I looked at Titan while he gripped the steering wheel with one hand and let the other rest in his lap. He didn’t have all those tattoos when we were younger. His smoky brown skin was flawless. Now it was a canvas that held countless works of art. I had to force myself to stop staring.
He washed his hair when he got in the shower and now it was a thick mane of gorgeous blue-black waves that he pulled back into a low ponytail. When had he changed so much? I knew it happened over the years but I liked to pick things apart. I wanted to know when he got each one of his tattoos and how long it took for his hair to grow. I wanted to know when he got a beard and how long it took to get so full.
I was the epitome of an annoying little cousin.
“Why you keep staring at me, Ivy?” I liked when he called me baby girl. I always had.
