Page 40 of Honey Sugar
“And I wasn’t?” Tears rolled down her face but her voice remained steady. “I lost Aunt Sarah too. I had to deal with Daddy’s abuse too. She gets to leave me here with him and take the easy way out?” I shut my eyes and rubbed her arms then her shoulders. “You’re the only person who never left me, Titan. Even though we grew up and did our own things…you came back. You didn’t just come back and hide out, you came back and you protected me. You cared. You saw me when I felt invisible.” She swallowed and I watched her throat dip. I watched like a hawk because my lips burned to kiss her there. Her neck was so sweet. It was a smell rich like honey and it was making me dizzy with need.
I slid my finger along her skin and her breathing stuttered. “I couldn’t help seeing you when I came back. How could anyone not see you? You shine brighter than anything I’ve ever seen.”
“I don’t feel like it. Mama never saw me. She looked right through me most days and Daddy only saw coke. You know how many days I hated life while I was growing up? I used to ask God why he put me with such a fucked up family. I didn't curse when I talked to him though.” I smiled a little at her words.
Ivy, my goodie-two-shoes.
The sweetest girl I’d ever known.
She didn’t recognize that while she sat in my lap, steeped in her own tears and confusion, she was the personification of honey and sugar. She was sweet and pure and added a pinch of herself to everything she touched.
“I wanted to be loved so badly. I kept holding out hope that Mama would come around. That she would leave Daddy and then we could have the relationship a girl is supposed to have with her mother. She was too busy clinging to the abuse to see that I needed a mother.” She looked up at me with watery green eyes and it cracked my chest open. “I needed her but all I got was a shell and excuse after excuse.” She sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “I turned out okay though. I know how to run Honey Sugar without help. I bought my own car with the money I made. I graduated high school early with a four point three without any help from either of my parents. I paid for my own driving lessons too.” She sniffled again and my heart morphed into a cinder block. It felt into the pit of my stomach. All I could do to comfort her was stroke her soft hair and catch her tears as they rolled.
The kind of pain Ivy was going through was something she could only work through alone. I felt isolated like a visitor staring at her through glass.
“You did an amazing job with yourself Ivy. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more.”
“You were going through your own stuff, Titan.” She was right but I still felt like a shitty big cousin.
Cousin. Cousin. Cousin.
I was her cousin. Not her man.
I went to war with my thoughts while Ivy sat silently weeping on my lap.
“You really think I turned out okay even though I basically raised myself?” She asked. How could I look at those eyes and that face…that dimpled chin and tell her anything besides yes. Unequivocally yes.
“You did one hell of a job, baby girl.”
“Then why didn’t Mama want me?” He voice was small like a child’s and it broke me down. I hugged her tight. I pressed her wet face against my bare chest while her body shook with sobs.
“I want you, Ivy.” I spoke against her silky hair and tightened my grip on her. Her cries subsided slowly, but they stopped eventually.
“I don’t even know if I can have you,” she whispered, touching my face, running her fingertips through my beard.
“I know. It’s crazy.” I swallowed down cups full of nerves determined to wreak havoc on my insides. “Does it really matter what should or shouldn’t happen if we both want it?” Stillness blanketed us making our bodies too hot. We needed to shed the soundlessness swallowing us.
“I don’t know, Titan. The only thing I do know is that I’ve never ached for something so badly before. I don’t just ache between my legs either.” She took my hand and placed it over her heart. It thundered beneath her breastbone like a wild bird in a cage much too small. “My heart wants you. Whatever that means. My heart cries for you in ways I don’t know how to soothe other than touching you. That’s the only time it’ll shut up is when our hands are pressed together or when you’re holding me in bed. I know it’s wrong but that’s what my heart wants.”
“You want me to hold you?” I asked quietly with my lips against her ear. She nodded her head. “Well, I want to hold you. I want to kiss you.” I tipped her head up a little and pulled her soft bottom lip into my mouth. I slid my tongue against hers and she whimpered at the way heat surged through both of us. I felt it too.
“I want you to kiss me. I want you to keep kissing me,” she said with her eyes closed and the tip of her nose against mine. I laid her down on the air mattress and kissed her deeper.
“Tell me what else you want, baby girl.” My dick was so hard I knew it was stabbing into her but she didn’t seem to mind. She rubbed against it, making me see stars.
“I can’t say it,” she said, breathing against my lips.
“I won’t push you. If this is all you’re comfortable with then…we don’t have to go any further.” I dropped kisses along her slender neck and she squirmed beneath me.
“It’s all I can stand right now, Titan. I want more though. I just don’t know…” I quieted her confusion with my mouth on hers. I’d take her however I could get her because if I was being honest, my heart wanted her too.
Itneededher.
I didn’t want to think about the tangled details. I didn’t want to be dragged under by them. I wanted us to float in our bubble. I wanted to hold her while we slept and kiss her when we woke up. I wanted her to look at me with those big green eyes and tell me I was her superhero. I wantedus.
I didn’t know what that meant but I would figure it all out later. For the night, Ivy and I would lay together kissing and holding each other until we fell asleep from exhaustion.
…
