Page 14 of Honey Sugar
“Come on, boy.” She walked out of the humidity and into her bedroom where the air was much better.
“How is it so humid in there and it’s not even humid outside? That shit is wild.” I shook my head and looked around Ivy’s pink and white bedroom. “Last time I was in here your walls were covered with horse and pony posters. What happened to all that shit? Now you have Breakfast at Tiffany’s pictures and Chanel logos everywhere.”
“Have you seen that movie though? It’s amazing.”
“Nah. It’s not on my list of things to watch.”
“Watch it with me tonight,” she grinned. Whenever she smiled big and bright like that the dimple on her chin smoothed out and you couldn’t even tell it was there.
“Fuck. No.”
“Okay, tell me all the details of why you’re really here and I won’t make you watch it with me. If you don’t, I’m playing it over and over while you sleep until you quote lines from it.”
The thought was actually terrifying.
“I don’t know. You’ve changed a lot in the past seven years. You still the same girl I knew who would keep a secret?”
“Always, Titan. Nothing much has changed about me. I just grew titties and a little ass. Inside I’m still the same Ivy.”
“You’re still my baby cousin?”
“Always. Are you still my superhero?” Hope glowed in her pretty green eyes as she watched me for an answer.
“You know it, baby girl. Long as I’m here Uncle Beau won’t touch y’all.” I held my fist out and watched to see if she remembered the significance. She met my knuckles with hers and we both smiled. “You better had remembered that shit. I was going to knock you out if you forgot,” I told her with a laugh.
“You thought I’d forget? Never. Now, tell me what happened in New Orleans.”
I tried to pull thoughts from my head but somewhere along the course of the day, they managed to stuff themselves somewhere else. Somewhere deep down where I couldn’t readily grab hold of them.
I had to wrap my mind around what I’d done all over again and it made me question if it was a nightmare. “I killed someone last night,” I told her without any frills or pretty language. It must have slipped right past her ears at first because for a few silent moments I only heard the knocking of my own heart in my chest. I cared about what Ivy thought of me and telling her I was a killer made me nervous as hell.
“Is that the end of the story, Titan? You’re not a killer so I need more details.” She wet her lips and slid a little closer to me. She smelled like butterscotch. Her entire room smelled the same way.
“Nah, that’s not the end but that’s the main part. What else is there to know? I’m a fucking killer and I can’t even tell you how I feel about it because I don’t know.” I cracked my knuckles one after the other trying to chase the nervous energy away.
“Tell me the entire story,” she said taking my hand in hers to stop my incessant knuckle cracking.
I laid out every page of my story. I told her the parts written on wrinkled black pages. I told her the parts scribbled in the margins. I told her the parts that had been erased and rewritten because it was too difficult to face the reality.
I laid out all my unbound pages for Ivy to examine.
Either she would still love me or she would think I was a monster. Shit, I felt like one. I felt grotesque. I took someone’s kid off the earth. I wasn’t a nice guy anymore. If I had the capacity to do that, was Ievera nice guy?
I watched her eyes shimmer and her full pink lips tremble. I hated seeing her cry. Always have.
“Listen, Ivy…I understand if you see me differently now but…”
“Titan…” Her voice was thick. She swallowed and shook her head, silencing me. “I can’t help but look at you differently but it’s not in the way you’re thinking. I’m not looking at you like you’re a horrible person. I could never look at you that way. You’re my superhero, remember?” Her smile was crooked and watery from the tears that finally escaped and made a break for it down her brown sugar face.
“You don’t think I’m a monster?” I asked. I didn’t realize it until I spoke, but my throat was crowded with fear and curiosity. I had no idea how much weight my little cousin’s opinion of me held.
“No. If you’re a monster then so am I, Titan. Do you know how many times I’ve wished I could kill my father?” Her admission tumbled out of her mouth blanketed in quiet sobs that rattled her chest.
The air in her room was butterscotch sweet and deathly silent. Neither of us said a word but we sat face-to-face looking at each other in between glancing at our hands.
“Fantasizing and doing it are two different things, baby girl,” I said finally.
“I know. To me though, it only means you’re braver than I am. Besides, if you hadn’t shot him…he would have killed you, Titan. I’d rather have him dead than you. I couldn’t handle that. I don’t care how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other. You’re my cousin and I love you.” She shocked me when she tossed her arms around my neck and hugged me tight. I froze for a moment before hugging her back. My arms slid around her middle and I held her tight.
