Page 59 of Trust Issues
Who loved holding hands?
“I’m still waiting for an answer,” Kyle said once we stopped in front of my apartment door.
“Are you?” I unlocked the door and we walked in. Barkley hopped on my couch and made himself comfortable. Once I did everything I could possibly do to ignore Kyle’s question, I looked at her. She was standing with her arms folded giving me a look that only she could.
“Yes,” I finally said. “That’s why I won’t be in another relationship. After that shit happened I stopped trusting women altogether. I figured I could rotate women until I died.”
“So you don’t want kids? You don’t want someone to spend the rest of your life with, Max? That’s sad.”
“Is it? I think it’s fine. From what I’ve experienced, love is painful as fuck. Why would I voluntarily put myself through that again? I thought you of all people would understand.”
“Me? I’m always out here looking for Mr. Right. I have an entire journal dedicated to him. You think I don’t want love?” She sounded appalled by my assumption. My brows crashed together and I looked at her trying to figure out which part of her brain was broken.
“You absolutely don’t want love, Kyle. If you did you wouldn’t have that book. You can’t find true love according to a list. You know that and you subconsciously sabotage any chance at having a relationship because you hinge everything on your book of standards. That’s not looking for love.”
“I have standards. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing. But like I said before…you use those standards as bricks to build a wall around yourself that nobody can penetrate. At least I’m honest about the chip on my shoulder.” I shook my head at her and walked into my bedroom.
I was seriously rethinking the way I felt about Kyle. It wasn’t like I could turn my feelings off though. The girl had me mesmerized. Everything she did or said ran on a loop in my mind. I couldn’t get her out of my brain.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Maxwell?”
I loosened my tie and unbuttoned my cuffs before taking a long step toward her. She held her chin up defiantly and the fire in her eyes crackled.
“It means I’m upfront about why I don’t trust women but you’re still pretending like you’re open and willing to trust men. You clearly don’t. You don’t even trust a man to be himself. You have to dictate that too. That’s why your book of standards is your bible.”
She made a noise like I’d offended her to the highest degree. I smirked at it. “Fine! You want to know why I have to carefully design the perfect man?” Her nostrils flared as she stared me down.
“Yes, Kyle. I want to know. We’re being honest and open, remember?”
“I didn’t forget,” she said, tucking hair behind her ear. “I just didn’t think I’d have to open up so soon.” I watched her bring her fingers up to her mouth. I let her have that moment. I knew how difficult it was to open up to someone. She nibbled on her middle finger and looked past my head as if a reel of memories played on the wall behind me.
“I was in love once upon a time too, Max. I would have given that man everything. It honestly feels like Ididgive him everything, which is why I have nothing left. No patience, no trust, and no time for bullshit. I gave all of that to him and I never asked for it back because I figured it made me weak.” The staggered breath she drew in made the hairs on my forearms stand at attention like antennas. “I got pregnant,” she said in a voice so small I didn’t even recognize it as hers.
Her gorgeous hazel pools shimmered with emotions she refused to let roll down her cheeks. She tried to blink them away but they stuck around.
“Pregnant?” I said quietly. Imagining Kyle, of all people, pregnant was mind-blowing to me.
“Yup.” She sniffled back tears and looked up at the ceiling. “When I told him, I thought he’d be happier but I think my happiness overshadowed it. I made myself believe it was okay. I told myself that he was nervous about becoming a dad. It couldn’t be anything else because he definitely loved me and loved us together. Why wouldn’t he love bringing a new little one into the world with me, right?” She let out a pained laugh and shook her head. “In hindsight, there were red flags everywhere. He never wanted to go to any appointments with me. I had to drag him to every one of them. I should have known then he didn’t want to be a father.
On my five-month check-up, I was going to find out the sex of the baby and I wanted him to be there. He told me he had a meeting he couldn’t miss. I tried to reschedule my appointment around his meeting but I couldn’t move it. I went alone. It wasn’t the first time though.
When the tech put the wand on me and moved it around she frowned. She did it again and again. I remember getting this awful sinking feeling in the pit of my fucking soul. She couldn’t find the heartbeat, Max. I was five months pregnant with a baby boy and I lost him. I blame myself every day even though the nurses and doctors told me there was nothing wrong with me and nothing I could have done differently.” The weight of her grief and memories became too much and she finally broke down in tears.
I wrapped her in my arms right before her knees buckled and she crumpled onto the floor. The raw emotion pouring off her was enough to make my eyes sting.
“I told him. I drove to his job and told him about losing the baby. You know what he said? He said oh…well maybe it’s for the best. I’ve never been so furious.”
“What the fuck did you do, Kyle? How did you survive that shit?” I was genuinely curious.
“I don’t know. I was numb. We were living together but we were strangers after I lost the baby. I didn’t speak to him. I was scheduled to give birth to my son shortly after finding out his heart stopped and I went alone. Naima was in LA but she flew in to be with me after everything was all said and done.
By the time I got back home, all of his shit was gone. He moved out without a single word to me. So I vowed that I’d never have a man in my life like that again. Even if it meant writing a big ass book of qualities that were the opposite of everything he was.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes. I didn’t know if I should apologize to her for making her relive something so insanely fucked up. All I could do was hold her until she became quiet and still. I ran my fingers through her locs and it seemed to calm her down.
“Kyle, I am so sorry. I had no idea. I don’t know what to say. I feel like shit for insisting that you tell me.”
