Page 99 of Margot
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
MARGOT
I’d been hanging out in the quaint little space I carved out in the forest for about a week and I didn’t want to take control. I liked the place I created in our headspace. It wasn’t dark and it wasn’t filled with memories of being violated over and over.
I mean sometimes the memories came but they went just as quickly. I worked on sharing them with Sutton, especially when she was sleeping. I knew she was writing to me but I was scared to see what she’d written.
After the episode with the piano, I hid.
I had the strongest memories when I saw a piano or sat at one. I didn’t want to go near one ever again. I tried wrapping my head around how Sutton could play so freely but it was something I didn’t understand.
I had no idea when I’d be in control again but I wasn’t in a rush. I was content in my little cottage minding my fucking business.
That’s why when I heard my name being called and I felt Sutton reaching back into the forest, I bristled. I couldn’t hear anything besides my name. It wasn’t like we were having a phone conversation but I could feel her begging me to come out.
My name was like an incessant buzz in the air. It made me storm forward just to make the sound stop. I never knew I could be annoyed by my own name until that moment.
“What?” I snapped. I’d pushed open the door to my cottage and stomped my way over to the clearing in the forest where the light shone.
I was taking control.
I blinked a few times and realized Sutton and I switched places without a massive headache or crippling sound of static. I looked around and realized I was in Dr. Adler’s office. Alone.
“Where’s Lennox?” I asked, looking around frantically. He was my anchor. He made me feel safe. It had been so long since I’d been in front that I missed him now that I was in the light.
“He’s waiting for you at home. Hello, Margot, it’s nice to see you again.” She smiled at me and picked up her iPad.
“Who was calling me like that? It was so loud and…everywhere.” I shook my head, still remembering how incessant the sound was.
“It was me and Sutton both asking you to come forth. I’m glad it worked. Sutton was worried about you.”
“I’m fine,” I huffed, folding my arms. I looked down to see what Sutton dressed us in and rolled my eyes. I told her to dress cuter. Here she was sitting in therapy wearing a rose sweater and a pair of boyfriend jeans.
“You seem irritated. Is everything okay?” Dr. Adler’s voice pulled me back to the moment.
“I guess I’m a little annoyed,” I confessed quietly. Her green eyes pulled truths out of me even when I didn’t want to admit to them.
“Why, Margot?”
“Because I wanted to stay where I was. I made a nice little cottage in the forest and…”
“Forest? That’s what you call you and Sutton’s shared headspace, right?”
“Yeah. Usually, it’s so dark and depressing and memories hang from the trees like fucking Spanish moss.” I shuddered and folded my arms tight across my body.
“How does the forest look now?” She stared at me with a green gaze, waiting for my answer.
“It’s calm. Peaceful. I have a cottage and there’s no fucking piano.”
“Margot, that’s wonderful. You’ve grown so much. It takes a lot to carve your own space somewhere that used to feel uninhabitable. It means that you and Sutton are communicating more and you’re not the sole bearer of the repressed memories.” Dr. Adler shifted in her seat a bit and smiled at me.
“Yeah, I guess that is nice,” I reasoned with a shrug.
“Sutton tells me that you’ve been avoiding her ever since her finger healed and she started playing the piano. She thinks you’re scared of the piano in general. Is that true?”
My spine stiffened and my toes scraped against the insoles of my shoes as I balled them into nubs. I didn’t want to talk about the piano but I knew if I didn’t, I’d keep hiding. I’d be the one holding up Sutton’s progress. Even though I didn’t want to open up, I did want to see Sutton grow and continue being in a good place. I thought of her as a friend.
“Yes, because I remember, Dr. Adler. I remember what he did to me. I remember him buying me panties as a gift because he knew that when he was done with me, the panties I wore to his house would be stained with blood.” My words shook between my teeth like beasts in a cage.
