Page 90 of Margot
The longer I pressed each note and Lennox stroked my hair, the more overwhelming the feeling to flee became. I knew it was Margot but it was me too.
She’d taught me so much about myself and about Lennox that I knew it was my turn to teach her something. The piano didn’t have to be bad just because DuBois was. The piano didn’t have to mean fear and rage.
The notes twinkled in the air full of pain and confusion. My neck turned into knots leading to my drawn in shoulders. I was so stiff I felt like I’d crack in two.
Both sides of me were fighting.
Margot wanted me to bolt from the piano and I wanted to bolt from Lennox. While I needed to realize that Lennox wasn’t my core problem, Margot had to realize the piano wasn’t her core problem. So I played.
I played until hot and confused tears rolled like creeks down my cheeks. I played until my shoulders trembled instead of locking up. I played until I couldn’t see the damn keys anymore because my vision had gone blurry.
When I stopped, I balled my hands into fists of frustration and banged them against the keys. Lennox’s strong hands gripped my shoulders and like he always did, he held my broken pieces together so I wouldn’t shatter on the floor at his feet. I inhaled with unstable breath and let a sob fell from my mouth.
“It’s okay, baby,” Lennox turned me to face him and then he hugged me. I felt all my twenty-four years melt away and I turned into a kid again.
A kid that just wanted to be safe.
A kid that didn’t want to hurt anymore.
A kid that wanted to feel loved.
“I know…” Lennox’s voice was soothing as aloe to a burn. Only, this burn went deeper than the surface. It burned down to my soul. It burned me in spaces I didn’t know I had.
“I hate him for what he did to me,” I cried into Lennox’s chest. His hug tightened and his ribs expanded with a deep breath.
“Me too and I swear to god, Sutton I would murder him with my bare hands if I didn’t think that going to jail would be the most selfish thing I could ever do to you.”
“I could feel how scared Margot was of the piano. I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I felt everything and I still wanted to play. Does that make me weak?” I asked him. I was honestly confused.
“No, Sutton. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong enough to realize that the piano isn’t what hurt you. Just like Margot realizes that I’m not the one who hurt you.”
I knew exactly how to help Margot heal after hearing Lennox say that. I wiped the tears from my face with the side of my hand and nodded my head. “I have to go write to Margot,” I told him.
“Okay, I’m going to make you some tea and then I want you to relax.”
“I can do that,” I said.
I hurried into the bedroom and picked up our white journal then began furiously writing to her. I didn’t know if she’d respond but I hoped she did.
Margot,
I’m sorry the piano freaked you out today. But, I am glad that now I know it was you and I’m glad that I understand why you were afraid. If I can try to push past my issues and seduce my husband without your help then I want you to push through yours and sit at the piano. I want you to touch the keys and realize that DuBois isn’t in control. He isn’t around. He isn’t going to hurt you…us.
I realized that I have to tell myself the same thing when it comes to intimacy with Lennox. I’m so afraid that something bad is going to happen and for so long I’ve had no idea what I thought would happen and why I kept putting it on Lennox but now I know, thanks to you.
Now I know that I’m just afraid of being touched the wayhetouched me. Even though it’s still hard to remember everything. I know innately that I’m afraid of sex and sexuality because of the horror we went through.
Now I know that you’re afraid of the piano for the same reasons and I want to help. Let me help, Margot.
That’s what friends are for, right?
I mean I’ve never had a friend but I assume the best place to start is with yourself. I hope you’ll let me help.
Love,
Sutton
When I put the pen down, my hands were shaking. I couldn’t tell if it was because I’d done too much between piano and writing or if I was nervous about what Margot’s response would be. I shut my eyes for a second and tried to reach out to hear in my mind.
