Page 9 of Margot
“I play classical violin. I specialize in contemporary but I’ve always had love for jazz. Just the freedom of it all, you know?” He shook his head and sighed. I was lost in his copper eyes and smooth chocolate skin.
My hand found his, palm against palm. His warmth was so comforting it made me forget about the unpleasant dinner we just had.
“We play here every Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. We’d be happy to jam out with you two. It would be an honor,” Jimmy said with a smile. The rest of the band agreed and it filled me with joy.
We told them we’d hold them to it and then we said our goodbyes and headed to the parking lot. “It would be so nice to play with a band for a change.” I mused as we walked to the car, still hand in hand.
“It would be. I’m shocked you’d like to play with a jazz band though. You’re so devoted to classical.”
“I can change,” I shrugged. “Besides, their talent was insane. I’m willing to play with anyone who has talent like that.” I barely recognized my own voice. It was so easy and smooth. Even my laughter sounded different.
I rarely felt like that but when I did, I didn’t mind touching my husband or kissing him. These were usually the times we had sex. The thought of feeling Lennox deep inside of me made me squeeze his hand a little more.
Tension turned my stomach into knots.
Lennox opened the car door for me and I got inside. I pressed my hands between my thighs to quell the throbbing in my core. “You still down to talk when we get home?” He looked at me and I melted. I responded with a short nod before timidly reaching my hand up to touch his thick crop of kinky dark hair. I loved the way it defied gravity.
He always kept it perfectly groomed and faded low on the sides and in the back but the top was his own splash of personality. His quiet rebellion against what everyone expected a professional black man to look like. It made him look like some sort of mix of an ancient god far older than the universe and a classic man who could wear the hell out of a suit.
He smiled at the gesture of my fingers in his hair as he started the engine with the push of a button. “Hey, I’m sorry Ebony was so fucking rude tonight. I don’t know what that was all about.”
“You don’t know what it was about, Lennox?” I laughed a little at how oblivious he was. How could he not see the lingering gazes she gave him while her husband was sitting right there?
“No. Care to shed some light?”
“She likes you. She thinks I’m not good enough. I don’t blame her but she could have at least been subtle about it.” I folded my arms and sank back in the seat.
“You think Ebony likes me?” His laugh was deep and warm.
“There’s no thinking involved. You didn’t see the way she looked at you.”
“Because the only person I bothered looking at was you, Sutton. I don’t like hearing you say shit like you don’t blame her for thinking you’re not good enough for me. It rubs me the wrong way if I’m being totally honest.”
I didn’t know how to respond. It was the truth though. I understood why Ebony thought I wasn’t good enough for Lennox. Sometimes I thought I wasn’t good enough for Lennox.
We drove the rest of the way home in silence. I took the time to analyze why I felt so inferior. By the time we arrived, I still hadn’t come up with an answer.
Once we were inside and our coats were hung up, Lennox wasted no time asking me questions. “Why do you think you’re not good enough for me, Sutton?” His eyes bored into me like lasers.
“I don’t know. I feel like we get each other. I feel like we’re best friends and amazing partners but when it comes to how everyone else looks at us…I feel like I don’t measure up.” Without permission, my fingers began playing notes in the air while my hands were at my sides. Low, soft notes playing out my uncertainty and insecurities. I could hear them in my mind even though they made no sound.
“Is that why you’ve been becoming increasingly distant?” His jaw flexed after the question left his mouth. I pressed my hands against my legs and tried to stop playing piano in response to his concerns.
“I don’t know. I didn’t realize I’d become more distant.”
“You’ve never been affectionate and that’s cool with me. While we were dating, it was celibacy and I respected that. You were a woman who wanted to be sure she had something solid before making a commitment. Once I proposed and we finally had sex, I noticed you were always somewhere else. I just figured that’s how you were.
Always in your head. Always in your music. I told myself this was marriage with a musical genius.
It’s getting harder though, Sutton. You rarely want me to touch you and unless we’re playing music together, I don’t feel intimacy from you. Tonight was the first time in months I’ve felt anything.” His words were like thunder in my ears.
I was pushing him away without realizing it. It would be so easy for someone else to swoop in and be the salve to his wounds. Wounds that I’d caused him.[DJ2]
“I don’t know how to break through the barrier I have up. I don’t even know why I have it up,” I said, shaking my head. “I want to show you how much I love you, Lennox. I only ever think about two things…piano and you.” My tongue swelled and nerves took over.
It was as if speaking my true feelings would send me into a panic attack. My skin grew warm and my head was tight. I felt the dull thrum of a migraine creeping in. I hadn’t had one since I was a teenager.
“I don’t doubt that you love me but something has got to give because…” his words trailed off and he looked at the floor. It took all my strength to focus on him and not the pounding in my head.
