Page 86 of Margot
I shook my head and tore out the first page I’d written to Margot and started over.
Margot,
I don’t hate you. At least not anymore. I don’t want to hate you because you’re a part of me. I’ve never really had a friend besides Lennox but I’d like for us to try becoming friends.
I have to be honest with you, Margot…I’m terrified of all the things you’ve been protecting me from. I know you tried to show me the truth earlier but the truth is terrifying. Maybe we can take baby steps?
Love,
Sutton
When I closed the journal, I felt a mild hum buzzing through my body. It was warm and it felt so good. Maybe it was possible for me to be happy even with someone else living in my head.
…
“Lennox, am I rigid all the time?” I asked him. I’d just put the last dish in the dishwasher and wrapped up the leftovers from dinner. Lennox was scrolling through Netflix looking for something for us to watch on the couch.
I walked up behind him and he looked over his shoulder at me. “You can be rigid a lot. I won’t lie to you, baby. However,” his long finger stretched into the air right before he reached around and grabbed my waist, pulling me over the back of the couch. My legs went in the air and a squeal escaped me. “I can always tell how much you love me when you stare at me. I can feel the love pouring off of you when we make music together. I can tell you care when you get jealous,” he smirked and I rolled my eyes at him.
“I do not get jealous.”
“Oh, you get jealous. I love it though.”
“Why?” I quizzed.
“Because it’s cute that you think another woman could ever take my attention away from you, Sutton.” He touched my chin and I felt like a girl with a crush.
“Lennox, I want to kiss you so bad right now.” I’d never confessed anything like that to him before but I didn’t know what else to do or say. How was I supposed to act around him when he’d already seen my sexual side? Me asking him for a kiss must have seemed so juvenile.
I averted my gaze but Lennox held my face in place. “Look at me, Sutton English. Stop hiding. If you want to kiss me, go ahead. Just don’t feel stupid for telling me that. It’s the most open you’ve been in two years.”
My heart sank a little but not because of what he said to me. My heart sank because I’d been pulling away from him ever since we got married. Lennox didn’t deserve that.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been giving you all of me for these past two years, Lennox.”
“I don’t think you even knew you had more to give. It’s not your fault. I just want us to start moving forward.”
“We can do that. Can we start with a kiss?” Nerves bounced around in my stomach but I pushed on in spite of them. I knew why they were there now. I didn’t want to be a slave to my repressed memories anymore. I wanted to show my husband the affection he deserved.
My palms were slick as I leaned into Lennox. He smelled so good that everything in me pulsed. I pressed my lips to his gently at first but the way he gripped me set fire to my insides. I pressed my lips against his with more passion after a while and before I knew it, we were making out on the couch.
It felt natural.
It didn’t feel like I was forcing myself to do it and it didn’t feel like Lennox was walking on eggshells while trying to be intimate. I missed his lips the second he pulled away.
“Sutton, before we go any further down this rabbit hole, I’m going to let you know right now, my dick is hard as steel and if we keep going, it’s going to be harder for me to stop.”
I didn’t know how to initiate things with Lennox so I backed off. I didn’t want to get myself in too deep but I finally felt like we were moving in the right direction for real this time.
…
For the next couple of weeks, Lennox and I slept wrapped in each other’s arms and it was the most comforting thing for me. Especially since I started having bad dreams after Margot showed me a glimpse of what happened with DuBois when I was little.
When I talked to Dr. Adler about it she helped me understand that some of those dreams may have been Margot’s way of communicating memories in small doses. Even though I understood and I wrote every one of my dreams down, I hated it.
Sometimes, I even woke up running to the bathroom to vomit because the dreams were so vivid. The only way for me to cope was to write about it. So I did.
I wrote to Margot several times a day and she became more comfortable so she wrote back. I started asking her to read over each dream I wrote down and I hated that every time she did, she told me those things actually happened.
