Page 80 of Margot
“I’m twenty-four,” I said. Nibbling on my bottom lip turned into my chewing on it. I chewed in order to focus on anything but the pain brewing in my mind. “And I remember my first memory but I don’t want to talk about it.”
Dr. Adler frowned a little and nodded her head. “Do you remember how old you were when you had your first memory?”
“Four,” I choked out. The simple word had to squeeze past my tight throat and force its way around my swollen, dry tongue.
“Four-years-old. So, you’ve been with Sutton most of her life then. Margot, why do you think you’ve never spoken to Sutton or known about her?” I felt the darkness washing over me again at her question. I felt depressed. Like I wanted to run away and hide.
“I don’t know. I…don’t think she likes me,” I said, trying to feel my way around a dark room in my mind. I could feel emotion but that was it. I couldn’t see anything.
“You don’t think Sutton likes you? What gives you that feeling? Can you elaborate?”
“I don’t know. I can feel it. I’ve always felt it. Whenever I needed to be strong, I was strong and then I was shoved into darkness. I always thought I was depressed for long periods of time. I never felt like I was wanted though.” All of my pain and insecurities were trickling onto the floor and I felt so exposed. I felt naked in front of the world.
“It’s possible that Sutton knew subconsciously that you housed the bad memories, Margot. It’s also possible that another alter we don’t know about locked you away to protect Sutton. Either way, it’s pretty clear to me that you were banished to what a lot of people with DID call the dark place.”
“That’s absolutely what the hell it felt like.” A little of the shock started to wear off and realization started to settle in that the person I shared headspace with didn’t really like me.
“The memories that you have must be really tough to deal with if you’ve been locked away. Would you mind telling me what they’re about at least?”
Bile rose in the back of my throat like the tide ready to sweep me away. “Someone I trusted did something horrible to me. Repeatedly.” The memories inched in on me and tears blurred my vision.
“I’m so sorry, Margot. Was it a parent or…”
“No! It wasn’t a parent. I don’t talk to my parents much but they hate me too. Everyone fucking hates me. Whenever I was there and present, they shut me down and sent me to doctors then everything was dark.”
“You were probably banished. Sutton spoke about her parents thinking she might be bipolar when she was younger and threatening to put her on a medicine regimen.
I’m fairly certain that was you showing up. Your personality seems much more extroverted than Sutton’s.
It’s a defense mechanism. You’re bold and strong when she can’t be. I’m sure her parents thought you were too much to deal with and would rather medicate you than understand you.”
Her words seared into me. I felt awful for my teenage self. I was so alone and I hated everything and everyone and I didn’t know why I always felt locked away and isolated. Now, things were coming to light.
“Can I mention something about Margot and Sutton’s childhood?” Lennox’s question caught me off guard. He could see the uncertainty in my eyes so he leaned over to me and whispered in my ear. “I’m going to mention piano lessons.”
My head began throbbing at the mention of piano lessons, but I wanted to stay present so I fought off the pounding in my brain and narrowed my eyes so I could concentrate.
I promised Lennox I’d open up and talk if I ever found myself in the therapist’s office. Well, I found myself sitting on the couch and now it was time to keep my promise. I gave him a nod in response, and he continued.
“Sutton began taking piano lessons when she was four.”
“Margot, do you recall taking piano lessons?” Dr. Adler asked, the space between her brows creasing.
“Yes. I remember.” My teeth were clenched so tight I thought they’d turn to dust but It was the only way I knew to keep them from chattering.
“Do you play the piano as well, Margot?”
“No. Not anymore. I played until I was done with those lessons.” Every word from my mouth was coated in bitterness and fear and loathing. They hit the ground like spikes rusted from years of hatred.
“Sutton practices for hours a day. If you have a disdain for the piano it could be why you rarely surface. Or if you do surface, it’s not for long. Why don’t you play the piano anymore?”
I squirmed at her question. I wanted to be anywhere but on that couch. My skin felt far too tight like I couldn’t bear to be in it for another moment.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Lennox rubbed my shoulder and I scrambled closer to him. I erased every millimeter of space between us because I needed to feel his warmth and security. When his strong arm wrapped around me, I felt like I could breathe easier.
“Okay, I won’t push.” She was true to her word. She didn’t push me to talk about any memories in my past and I was extremely thankful. I didn’t think I could withstand having a full conversation about those memories.
Instead, we talked about communication with Sutton. I wasn’t looking forward to it because I could feel the disdain. Well, shit I wasn’t happy about sharing a brain either.
