Page 58 of Margot
“You’re crying. What’s wrong?” I checked my face in the mirror and ran cold water into the sink. I squeezed a white washcloth under the stream of water and held it against my hot face, praying it made some of the redness go away.
“I’m fine, Lennox,” I lied.
“Okay, then can you open the door so I can see your face?” I could tell he was leaning right against the door. My traitorous body tingled knowing he was so close.
I stormed over to the bathroom door and yanked it open. I was beyond the point of frustration. My body wanted to run to him but my mind wanted him to stay away.
“Why are you locked in the bathroom?”
“I needed a minute. I feel like everything is crashing down around us and I needed to catch my breath. Is that okay?”
“Why do you feel like everything is crashing down? I don’t understand. It’s like one minute we’re perfect and the next you’re railing into me over some shit I just don’t get. We were fine on the beach, although a little tense but as soon as we walk in the damn door, you feel like everything is crashing down?”
How could he feign so much concern when he was sleeping with another woman?
“Lennox, are you really asking me that? You’re running around with another woman on your arm at night and you wonder why I feel like things are crashing down around us?”
“I don’t even know what to say to you right now, Sutton. What I do know is that this vacation is done. I’ve been trying to hang in there with you but this shit is driving me crazy and I’m not going to argue with you.” He stalked away from the bathroom and anger propelled me forward.
“You don’t get to act likeI’mthe one causing problems, Lennox!”
“Youarethe one causing problems! How the fuck else should I act?” He pressed his palms together and held them against his lips like a prayer to God to help him keep in all the hurtful words he wanted to spew. “I’m not going to do this right now. I wanted us to come to Hawaii to release some tension and stress but it seems like all we’ve done is build on it. I think the best thing to do from this point forward is to keep up with our sessions with Dr. Adler because we need them.” I thought when he walked away, he would leave the villa and run across the stretch of sand to Margot’s but he didn’t. He stayed.
I didn’t know what to say to him. I went back and forth between anger and pain. I went between confusion and certainty. It tore me apart. I had little to no ground to stand on with Lennox so picking an argument would have been pointless.
I caused my fair share of issues in our marriage and maybe it was too little too late for him. Nobody can remain perfect forever and Lennox was as close to a perfect husband as any woman could ever get.
So instead of passively picking fights with him, I stayed in the back where the pool was and listened to Ravel to ease my jittering nerves and broken heart. Some moments that passed were too much to bear.
I couldn’t play the piano or talk to my husband. I was lost.
Even though I never wanted to take the trip to Honolulu in the first place, I didn’t want to spend our last night there not speaking. I felt like Lennox sat in the villa with me all night just because he didn’t want to hear my mouth.
A part of me wanted to shove him out the door and tell him to go be happy with Margot. At least she didn’t come with an entire host of issues she couldn’t unlock.
…
In the morning, I woke up before Lennox like I did whenever we were back at home. His tall, muscular frame was cramped on the couch in the living room. The throw blanket did little to nothing to cover his body. I felt like a horrible wife. I should have at least given him a pillow and a real blanket.
I stared at him for a moment wishing I could let him into my head but I knew something like that was impossible becauseIcouldn’t even get inside of my own head. If I could then maybe I’d be a better wife. Maybe I wouldn’t be so cold and closed off.
The longer I stood there, the more I hated myself. I hated what I was becoming and I wanted it to stop. I wanted to be regular Sutton again.
True, I wasn’t the warmest, most cuddly person before but I was nothing like the block of ice I’d turned into after I broke my finger. While my thoughts bogged me down, I packed all our clothes away into suitcases. I had to move around and do something.
When Lennox woke up, I had everything packed but I left the gift for Margot sitting on top of the dresser. I stood still in the middle of the bedroom while his heavy footsteps padded toward me.
“We’re all packed. I’m going to the welcome center to get breakfast and hand over the keys. Check out is in an hour.” I called a cab to take me a mile down the road to the main building while Lennox stared at the black bag sitting on top of the dresser.
He didn’t say a word.
He didn’t try to explain.
He only nodded and grabbed the bag in his hand.
…
