Page 50 of Margot
“What’s wrong, Margot?” I could hear his voice but he sounded far away. I knew it was the darkness trying to steal me away again. I refused to be locked away this time. I refused to have depression and fear cement me to one spot.
Hearing about Sutton and hearing the way Lennox went on about her was crushing me to death. It made something surface in me that I wanted to keep locked away.
“I can’t…” I shook my head with my eyes squeezed shut. “I can’t listen to you talk about Sutton right now, Lennox. I’m sorry. I thought I could but that shit is driving me insane.” When I opened my eyes, he regarded me with painful concern. His copper eyes flitted all over my face then he nodded and grew quiet. I wondered what was on his mind.
“You think I’m nuts, don’t you?” I let out a pained laugh that had been pressed against my chest. What the fuck was I thinking? This man was too good for me. Shit, he was too good for Sutton too.
“No. I don’t. But, maybe I should listen to you instead of you listening to me. Why don’t you tell me more about Margot because I’d love to hear it?” I thought I would suffocate because my breath hitched in my chest and wouldn’t come out.
Why wasn’t this man mine to keep?
Why wasn’t this man who would stop talking about his life just to listen to me talk about mine, the man who loved me?
Instead, he loved his wife. I was just a band-aid. I was something to take away the hurt for the moment but when it came to forever, he wanted Sutton.
I looked at his face, his squared jawline, and full soft lips, then forced out a breath. I shook my head and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I don’t know who the fuck I am, Lennox. Not anymore. I used to be strong. I used to jump into action whenever shit got too tough for everyone else to handle.
I dealt with things that nobody should ever have to deal with and I kept standing. I dealt with so much loss and pain and people that I trusted breaking me. I became numb and inaccessible to the world. I hated feeling invisible though. I hated being silenced and I hated being strong all the time so I’m here.
I’m here in Honolulu trying to rediscover who I am and find Margot. I just wasn’t expecting to findyoutoo. I mean maybe I wanted to find a man to hook up with but not a man who could never belong to me. Not a man that made me feel things after I’ve been numb for so long.” I couldn’t even look at Lennox because I felt stupid and ashamed. Heat blanketed the back of my neck and my lips wouldn’t stop quivering. I balled my hands into fists as best as I could and tried to become a block of stone.
“Fuck,” Lennox uttered. “I mean…I-I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting all of that.” Instead of making up some reason why he had to go check on his wife, who was probably asleep from the dick he threw her, he cupped my face in his hands.
“I’m a fucking mess, Lennox. Pretty sure you weren’t bargaining for that. Just a little bit of after-the-bar fun, right?”
“Nah. I have a knack for attracting women who need extra love. I know I don’t know you that well, Margot but something is telling me not to ever let you go. So, I don’t know who hurt you in the past but I’m not here to hurt you now. Maybe when we get back to Maryland we can keep this going between us. Clearly, we need each other.”
“You seem fine. You don’t need me. You have a wife who loves you even if you guys are going through some shit. What married couple doesn’t go through tough times?”
“You’re right but still, I can’t let go of you now. I guess we’re stuck with each other,” he laughed a little and it eased the awkwardness. Once the silence felt comfortable again, Lennox turned to me and said, “Can you tell me what kind of stuff you had to deal with? Before you said you had to deal with stuff that nobody should have to deal with. I’m curious if you don’t mind.” He was so incredibly gentle that repressed memories began to surface with startling speed.
They made me nauseous.
“Margot? You okay?” Lennox asked once he looked at my face. I wasn’t okay. I was busy fighting the demons from my past. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I was just asking.”
Keeping everything inside was killing me though. I had to get it out or it would smother me. I would no longer exist and there would only be this darkness. This cloud of twisted, wrong things that I’d adopted as my life.
Lennox wasn’t my man to keep but while we were together, he was mine and I needed him just as much as his wife did. I lifted my head and stared at the water. Once the sun had gone down the soft waves turned inky. They crept toward the shore like hands trying to yank at my memories.
“When I was little, someone I trusted…” I couldn’t get the words out. They were too thick and heavy to pass my throat.
“Someone you trusted…did what?” Lennox’s voice brought me back.
“They broke my trust in the most heinous way. They broke my trust in the world. They broke it over and over. It got so bad that it became the only thing I remembered for a long time. I didn’t trust anyone after that.”
“What the hell was it like growing up?” He asked. A frown weighed his features down and I felt genuine love pouring from him.
That couldn’t be right.
Could you fall in love with someone in one day?
“Um, it was tough. I always felt like everyone hated me. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere or like I had a home to call my own. It shaped the way I viewed the world. I locked the real me away because nobody wanted me around.” I blinked away tears that fought their way to my eyes.
“You assimilated,” Lennox said, shaking his head.
“I had to.” The smile I gave him was full of pain. He saw it too and grabbed me in a hug. He held me so tight and for so long that I forgot I was broken. I forgot that I was a nobody who’d been discarded.
A strong wind blew, ruffling the wide green palm tree leaves around us. Lennox motioned for us to go inside so I followed his lead. When he sat on the couch, I sat beside him and breathed in his warm cocoa butter and leather scent.
