Page 44 of Margot
“A couple of hours. You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you.” He smirked at me and I pulled my robe tighter. My head pounded as I joined him at the table.
“I did my flaws list while you were sleeping and…” I looked down at the bowl of fruit Lennox sat out for me and sighed. He was so sweet.
“And?” He said. I couldn’t properly explain it without him seeing what I’d written. I went to get the list. When I handed it over, he read through it and looked at me, a frown tugging on the corners of his mouth. “Sutton, what are you so scared of, baby? There are four things on this list based in fear.”
“I know.” My hands buzzed as I spoke. I slid my palms along my thighs and drew in a breath. “I have no idea what I’m afraid of but I know it’s stifling. Like right now, I feel tingly all over and nervous like something bad is going to happen. Like, I need to play piano or the world is going to fall apart.” My fingers danced along imaginary keys while I spoke. I tried to keep it to one hand but my injured hand had to get in on it too. A slice of pain tore through my middle finger and I winced.
“Sutton, you’ve gotta stop this. I know the piano is your world but it’s time to rest and heal.”
“I don’t know how to do that. Ever since I was four I’ve practiced for hours every day.” Talking about practice made my chest tight. “My piano teacher always said if I wasn’t practicing, I was losing talent by the hour.” I spit out my piano teacher’s words like a bible verse burned into my memory. That’s what it felt like.
My palms grew slick and my head started to swim a little. I was way too worked up. Lennox’s hand hovered over mine for a few seconds before he rubbed it. I yanked away so harshly that I even startled myself.
“I need to practice, Lennox.”
“You’re not going to lose your talent if you take a break. I think your piano teacher said that to keep you focused. It was a fucked up thing to impose on you though.”
“No. It wasn’t. It’s true. I already can’t remember what note comes after…”
Lennox cut me off quickly, “Sutton, stop this shit. You cannot play the piano right now. You’re still talented as ever.”
“How do we know if I can’t play?” My bottom lip wobbled and my fingers played in the air. “I was good enough to be asked to play with the Philharmonic, Lennox. Do you think they still want me? You think they’re going to want me with a broken finger?” My words trembled as I thought about how huge of an opportunity I missed.
“The Philharmonic, the BSO, and everyone else will still be there when you’re all healed. Stop beating yourself up.” Lennox reached out to hug me but I backed away.
“I just want to practice a little. Just a little bit.”
“You know what? I can’t do this right now. I’m going for a walk on the beach. Let me know when you calm the hell down.” He’d never left me hanging like that before. No matter how irrational I got, Lennox always stayed to make sure I floated down.
Not this time though.
My head screamed in pain in spite of the oxycodone surging through my system. What the hell was wrong with me? I clutched my head in my hands and went to the bedroom.
I was too upset. I had to calm down. I had to lie down.
Once my eyes closed and I steadied my breathing, the headache subsided a little. I was still too nervous to go find Lennox though. Something told me to let him cool off.
…
