Page 43 of Margot
Lennox always stared at me like I was his entire world. She must have been drop-dead gorgeous for him to admit she was pretty. I don’t know why I was standing out there like I’d be granted x-ray vision or something.
What the hell was I doing?
I went back inside and grabbed a pen and paper. I was going to work on my list of personal flaws. I thought I would end up having two or three things but once I was finished, I realized I had much deeper issues than intimacy.
Sutton’s list of flaws:
Self-centered
Fear of failure
Fear of intimacy
Fear of rejection
Rigid
Cold
Apathetic
Anxious
Passive
Scared
My hand stopped moving on the paper and I looked down at it stunned. My heart raced in my chest. I couldn’t stop reading the words over and over again. How did Lennox live with me?
How didIlive with me?
I couldn’t take my eyes off the last word on the list. It jumped out at me over and over. What was I so scared of? I had the life I always imagined but something gripped me at my core and it seemed to be the biggest block in my mind.
I was terrified of something.
Ofeverything.
I set the pen down and forced myself to stop thinking about why I felt so scared. I needed to be beside Lennox. He always calmed my anxious energy, even if he was sleeping.
I settled next to his warm body and inched toward him. His strong arms locked around my waist instantly and I felt grounded but as usual, I stiffened with fear at his touch.
What the hell?
Why was I doing that? Lennox never gave me a reason to be afraid. If anything, he protected me from myself. He made me feel like it was okay to be who I was. I think in the process though, I forgot to reciprocate the way he made me feel.
Tears burned my eyes as I fought with myself over being paralyzed in my husband’s arms yet wanting his touch more than my next breath.
Something was very wrong.
…
When I woke up the next morning, Lennox was gone. I sat up straight and listened for him. He never woke up before me. I was always up before him. A dull ache thumped through my fingers and I frowned at my splint.
Heal already.
I popped a couple of pain pills and padded into the kitchen. I found Lennox there, eating a bowl of fruit and reading something on his phone. He looked up at me when I came in. “Good morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning, Lennox. How long have you been up?”
