Page 121 of Margot
“Gone as in you can’t contact her at all or she’s just having a quiet moment?”
“I can’t contact her at all. She’s gone. She told Lennox last night that she was leaving and I can barely picture the forest this morning. It feels like a memory. I’m losing my shit.” I slid to the edge of the couch because I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself.
“Lennox,” Dr. Adler spoke gently as she always did. I was grateful because I was already intense enough for everyone in that damn room. “What did Margot tell you?”
“That it was time for her to go. She said that Sutton was so strong now she didn’t need her anymore. She said she didn’t know what that meant exactly but she knew her time was up.”
Dr. Adler nodded and smiled a little. There was nothing to smile about. I was spiraling.
“Margot is very smart. Sutton is strong enough to deal with life now. Did something happen to severely shift Margot’s need to exist?” Dr. Adler asked me. Like a flash of light, I saw DuBois getting arrested. I saw Monica and Cordelia and I felt a sense of peace wash over me.
“He’s locked up,” I muttered.
“Who?” Dr. Adler asked. She looked from me to Lennox for the answer.
“DuBois,” Lennox said. I nodded and confirmed. The entire story of what happened yesterday fell from my lips in vivid detail. I told Dr. Adler about meeting Monica and how Cordelia had just come from piano practice with DuBois. I told her about having to rush the little girl to the hospital and talking to the cops. I even told her how Lennox and I went to see DuBois get arrested.
Lenox looked at me in total shock.
“You weren’t even in control, Sutton. How the hell did you remember all of that?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged and looked to Dr. Adler for answers.
“Margot has integrated,” she said calmly. “Integrating happens when an alter is no longer needed or the trigger that caused the alter to exist goes away. In this case, I sincerely think Sutton’s healing helped Margot heal. I think the closure from seeing DuBois locked up was the confirmation that it was okay for her to integrate. You won’t be hearing her in your head or feeling her in your thoughts anymore. She was right in saying that she served her purpose.”
“Well, why do I feel so sad? It feels like there’s fucking knife lodged in my chest.” I rubbed the sore spot in my chest and tried not to cry.
“When an alter integrates, especially a beloved one, it’s extremely tough for the core or the host to deal with. It’s like mourning a loved one,” she said. Her green eyes searched mine and she offered a small smile. “However, integrating doesn’t mean Margot is gone completely. She’s now a part of you, Sutton. That’s why you remember everything from yesterday even though you weren’t in control. All of Margot’s memories, feelings, mannerisms and so on have been absorbed into you. You’re no longer split in two.”
Her gentle voice made the blow much easier to take. It still didn’t take away the sadness. I didn’t think anything would.
“I’ve absorbed her?” I asked, rubbing the space between my brows.
“Yes. You’ve absorbed her. You’re going to mourn her but she hasn’t really gone anywhere. You already sound and behave like her. I had a feeling this was coming on but I wasn’t sure. I noticed you acting more confident and sure of yourself for weeks, Sutton. You’ve picked up curse words and inflections in your voice that only Margot used.”
“Yeah, I can vouch for that,” Lennox nodded.
“Will I ever stop feeling so sad, Dr. Adler?”
“Eventually. I’ll continue to see you through your depression but I honestly think that you can cut your sessions down to once every month, Sutton. And I don’t think I need to see you and Lennox in here for marriage counseling at all. I’m impressed with how you’ve grown.”
I felt happy and sad at the same time. I looked at Lennox and he smiled at me then kissed my forehead.
“Listen, you two go home. Relax a little. Maybe go on vacation.” She smiled.
“I can have a flight booked to Honolulu in a second,” Lennox chuckled. I didn’t want to laugh but I did.
“How fitting?” I remarked, folding my arms.
“I think it would be perfect and in honor of Margot and how she brought us together,” Lennox noted.
“Maybe it’ll take my mind off being so fucking depressed.”
“I think you’re right,” Lennox nodded.
I thanked Dr. Adler for seeing us on such short notice and apologized for my freak out moment. We left her office and everything around me felt strange. It felt like I had a different view of the entire world.
…
