Page 104 of Margot
Sit down, Margot.
I inched a little closer until my knees bumped the bench. My throat nearly closed but I sat down.
I shut my eyes to avoid looking at the keys. After a few minutes though, they wouldn’t stay closed. They kept popping open and scanning the keys. My fingers dug into the cushion of the bench but not like I was gripping it…like I was playing notes on it.
What the fuck?
I fisted my hands and shut my eyes tight. That’s when I heard the incessant buzzing of my name. It was identical to the way it sounded before I took control. I was already in control though.
“Sutton?” I whispered.
“Please try to play,” I heard her in my head. It was my voice but it wasn’t. It was the strangest shit I’d ever experienced.
“I-I can’t,” I stammered aloud. Sutton’s voice was light and airy in my head. It felt like I was using a Bluetooth device on a phone call. I never thought that it was even possible to talk to Sutton like she was in front of me.
“You can. Just try. You wanted me to try intimacy with Lennox and now I can’t stop fucking him. You can try the piano for me.”
“Woah, look at who’s dropping f-bombs. I’m proud,” I laughed.
“Good. It’s your fault.” Her laugh was feathery and nothing like my laugh. “I don’t even know how I’m talking to you right now but please play.” She was so sweet, I couldn’t tell her no. Plus, she was in my damn head. Or…I was in hers.
I placed my shaky hands on the keys and played three notes. That was it. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead and goosebumps blanketed my arms.
I yanked my hands back and nibbled on my bottom lip for a while. I looked for Sutton but couldn’t find her. I wished we could master the whole communication thing because I’d give anything for her to be the one to walk me through playing again.
On and off the entire day, I took time sitting at the piano and slowly playing the scales. Even hearing something so simple made me sick with memories. At times, I could feel Sutton revolting against the memories that washed over me as well.
A few times I had to stop because I was a crying mess. I had to hold tight to Lennox’s words that the piano wasn’t what I was angry at. The piano wasn’t what I was afraid of.
I was angry with DuBois.
I was afraid of DuBois.
The realization hit me over and over again leaving me bruised and battered. My back was sore from heaving and crying so much. The pain was leaving my body physically and emotionally.
I was sick and fucking tired of crying over that…animal. I was tired of wasting my energy on him and I was damn sure tired of cowering in fear. I was Margot. I was the strong one.
I walked over to the piano after a drink of Hennessy and stared it down like the worthy opponent it was. I could feel Sutton reassuring me and I appreciated it so much.
I looked at the sheet music propped on the piano and sat in front of it.
“Ravel,” I muttered, skimming the notes with my eyes. It read like a story to me and it was so fucking beautiful. I shut my eyes, but not out of fear. This time I shut them to see the keys better.
Staring at the piano keys still made me shaky but I could see much better with my eyes closed for some reason. I saw memories of the piano keys and that was all I focused on. I blocked the memories of DuBois out.
I played the song in front of me as if it had been burned into my memory. My fingers knew exactly where to go and when to go there. I knew some of it was Sutton. I shared her memories and she knew this piece like it was her name.
So I played it like it was my name too.
I played until my fingers ached and my soul burned.
I played until fear dissolved into wonderment.
For the first time, I wasn’t playing because I was being molded into a star.
I played for me.
…
