Page 100 of Margot
Dr. Adler held her head down as if the gravity of my experience was too much. I felt the same way. “Margot, I am so sorry.” I felt the sincerity radiating from her and it was enough to trigger a flood of tears. They were sudden and they rocked my body.
“He told me that I would be a star. I just had to do everything he told me to and never mention it to my parents because they wouldn’t understand. They didn’t know what it took to be a star. He knew. He made me sit there and play while…” Another wave of tears shook me and Dr. Adler handed me a few tissues.
“Margot, your parents didn’t notice anything different about you? They never noticed the new panties or your changed behavior? Did you ever tell them you didn’t want to go back to piano lessons?”
“Idid,” I said, pressing my palm to my chest. “I told them I didn’t like Mr. DuBois. I told them I wanted to stop and that I hated my life.” I paused to steady my shaky breathing. “Sutton wanted to keep going. She didn’t feel what I felt because I was the one in control when he forced himself on me. Sutton hid deep in the forest. So fucking deep. I was alone.” I felt the pounding start to surface in my head and I knew it was Sutton.
I felt her emotions.
She was angry and remorseful.
Emotions mixed together too fast for me to understand. So I shut my eyes against them hoping they would bleed away like paint in water. Eventually, they did. I tried to soothe Sutton because I knew it wasn’t her fault but she was still hurt.
“Margot,” Dr. Adler called out. I looked up and saw her kind eyes looking back. “What’s on your mind?”
“Sutton’s upset. I can’t reach her.” A pushed out a deep breath and fiddled with my fingers. It was weird having the splint off.
“Listen to me,” she said softly. “You have a lot of very strong and hard memories to deal with. I want you to know I’m here to help you however you need me to.”
“Thank you, doctor.” I inhaled and answered her question. “Um…my parents didn’t care what I told them about DuBois. He’s trained so many famous pianists. They wanted fame for me at a young age. Whenever I surfaced and spoke, I was shut down. They didn’t want to hear from me. I was always labeled as difficult and ungrateful. I was silenced.”
“Is that why you told Lennox you always felt unwanted and stayed in the dark?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “It didn’t take long for me to know my role. I never remember being called forward or anything I was just…there. I would look up and DuBois would be dripping sweat onto my face while he grunted on top of me.”
“This is a tough question and you don’t have to answer it but did he hurt you only while you were at the piano?” I saw the tension in Dr. Adler’s neck when she asked. I nodded my head and turned to look out of the window. Anything not to look into her eyes and admit to myself that everything coming out of my mouth was the fucking truth.
“So what it sounds like is the piano is a source of pain for you because you need to anchor that pain and fear to something tangible. You haven’t seen that man since you were a teenager so you can’t anchor it to him but you can anchor it to the piano. The same way Sutton tethered her repressed memories to Lennox.”
“Shit, you’re right.” I rubbed the space between my brows and shut my eyes.
“Margot, when you go home I want you to try staying in control. I want you to sit at Sutton’s piano. Just sit there. I want you to examine all the ways you feel no matter how ugly.
I’d like to see you here again at Sutton’s next appointment to discuss what you felt.”
“When is that?” I quizzed, opening my eyes.
“In two days.”
“Okay, I guess I can do that. Do I get to drink while I sit at the piano?” Fear was starting to sink into my bones and I needed something to take the edge off.
“I don’t think a glass of wine would hurt.”
I smiled at Dr. Adler and nodded.
Fuck that wine.
I needed Hennessy.
…
When I got home, I walked in and the aroma of food made my stomach growl. Lennox had Sade playing on the stereo and my body hummed.
Damn, I missed him.
I stopped right behind him and watched his strong shoulder blades flex and move beneath his t-shirt. The palms of my hands ached to touch him and I was never one to deny myself luxury. Lennox was luxury in spades.
I slid my hands over his thick muscles and he looked over his shoulder at me. “Hey baby,” he smiled and turned around fully. His eyes widened just the slightest bit and I knew he could tell it was me. “Margot?” He tipped his head to the side and held back a smile.
