Page 37 of Nocturnal Sins
“You love cheering, you love school work…”
“Wrong. Mama got me into cheerleading when I was five. I can take it or leave it. School work is mandatory. Nobody is passionate about that shit.” He shot me a harsh look for my language but I didn’t care. If I couldn’t be myself when I was baring my soul then when could I be? “You didn’t even know I cursed. You didn’t know I drank.
I’m not the sweet perfect princess that you and Mama always wanted me to be. I don’t know who the hell I really am but I deserve the chance to find out.” My voice shook with conviction and hot tears prickled my eyes. I blinked rapidly trying to keep them from falling but they were rebellious and did as they wished.
The tick-tock of the clock in the corner sounded like TNT blasts each second that went by and nothing was said. I wiped my eyes and sniffled back everything that wanted to run down my face.
“You know what, Sam? You’re right.” Papa scrubbed at his smooth forehead with the heel of his hand. It was too much for him to sit still, so he stood to his feet and let the uncertainty of our conversation push him back and forth.
“I don’t even know what you like to do.” A mirthless chuckle escaped him as he continued to pace. “You never got a chance to be yourself. Meanwhile, I’ve been busy resigning myself to the fact that Santana is going to be himself no matter what I do. I’ve been allowing him the freedom I should have given both of you.” He came to a stop in the middle of the floor and looked at me with green eyes.
“I’m a horrible goddamn father,” he muttered. Hearing him say that about himself made my chest twist into a thick knot.
“That’s not true,” I frowned, standing to look him eye to eye. Papa was much taller than me but that didn’t stop me from tipping my head back and catching his stare. “You shouldn’t have kept your drug business a secret from us for as long as you did but if I’m being honest, I understand why you wanted to hide it. You were trying to protect us but I think you went a little too far. You became controlling.
That doesn’t make you a bad father though. I love you and I still respect you but I don’t want us to have secrets from this point on. Things will only get better if we’re open and honest.”
I could have kicked myself for saying that shit. Me and Santana were hiding a huge secret. One that seemed to blossom more each time the sun sank into the earth and the moon was high in the sky.
“You’re right, mija. I only hope you and your brother can forgive me for the way I went about things. I suppose if you want to look at how I run the business, I’ll bring you by the restaurant tonight. Just to look though, Sam. I don’t want you involved in that shit.” It was a step in the right direction. “I still want you to go to Dartmouth though.”
“I don’t want to go there. I agreed to go there because you and Mama always told me that’s where I’d go. I don’t have any ties to that fucking school.”
“Samira, watch your mouth,” Papa fussed, shaking his head.
“I don’t want to go there. I’ll just flunk out or maybe I’ll sell drugs like Santana and get expelled.” I was pushing my luck and I knew it but I was too mentally exhausted to care.
For the past seventeen years of my life, I’d been abiding by every rule and law. I was done. I wanted to indulge myself for once. I wanted to take time to figure out what the hell I liked to do.
“We’re done with this conversation. I think we’ve made enough headway for today.” He dismissed me with the flick of his hand and I gave him a satisfied smile.
Nighttime couldn’t fall fast enough. Something inside me was buzzing and dying to see how Papa ran his drug business. I had a feeling once I set foot behind the walls of the restaurant, my entire world would change.
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