Page 48 of Tortured Whispers
“We weren’t fwiends though,” I frowned.
Cease told me to be brave like a lion. He was like a lion. I had to channel some of his bravery so I didn’t bolt out the front door.
“True. I want to change that though. Can I at least have a chance to prove I’m not still the same bitch from ninth grade?” She poked out her bottom lip and I fidgeted in my seat. I brought my sleeve to my lips and squeezed my brows together.
“I don’t know…” I muttered against my sleeve.
“Am I judging you? No. I don’t care about your speech impediment or if you’re a cutter. By the way, I was only asking because I saw you looking at your scars when you were sitting in your car,” she said.
“Yes. I cut.” Bile burned the back of my throat but I forced it down. Why was this so hard? The girl was begging to be my friend. All I had to do was relax.
“Shit. That’s deep, Brookie. You don’t have to do that shit. It’s stupid. Plus, life is too good to try to kill yourself.”
“I don’t twy to kill myself,” I said sternly.
“Oh…I’m sorry. I don’t know how that stuff works.”
“I’m not suicidal.” At least not anymore.
“Can I see your scars?” She asked. Her eyes widened with curiosity and she leaned forward. I folded my arms tight across my chest and shook my head.
“No. I don’t show them to anyone.” I looked at my phone and stood up. “I gotta go, Ashley. Thanks for letting me hang out with you.” I headed to the front door and wrapped my fingers around the knob. It was cool to the touch and I welcomed it against my slick palm.
“Brooklyn, I’m sorry. I’m just curious. That’s all. I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. Can we hang out again tomorrow? Maybe when you don’t have an appointment?” She pled.
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it,” I shrugged, opening the door. I needed air. My hands were starting to tremble. I’d been fighting off the water for too long and I was tired.
“I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable,” she apologized again. A tug in my stomach told me to believe her. It was just hard to trust anyone. It was hard to have a friend. The only person I let inside was Cease.
“It’s okay,” I told her, moving my feet to the porch.
“I’ll text you.” Ashley waved as I hurried to my car and got inside. My breathing turned shallow the second my hand wrapped around the steering wheel.
I was still fighting off the pull toward the roaring water. It would have been so easy to fall in headfirst and let it swallow me. It would have been easy to drive to the store and get a pack of razors, stash them in my car and open up my arms over and over until blood soaked my hands and turned sticky between my fingers.
But why?
Because someone wanted to be my friend?
Because she was a little insensitive and curious about personal things? I had to learn to deal with things like that. Things worse than that.
I clenched my teeth together and let out a frustrated growl. I couldn’t cut. I promised Caesar. I promised myself. I wanted to follow through this time.
Tears leaked from my eyes. They were involuntary and I hated them. They were weak.
I took turn after turn and drove where my GPS told me to until I reached Cease’s office building. I parked right beside his car. Just seeing it made my chest relax. I sniffled back more rebellious tears and headed inside.
I stopped in the bathroom on the first floor and looked in the mirror. I missed the girl with the jade glow in her eyes. She was pretty. This girl in the mirror had wide eyes and trembling lips pressed into a hard line. Her nostrils were flared and her hair was a mess.
That wasn’t who I was before I left the house this morning. This morning, I was tangled in the sheets with Cease between my legs, drinking from me like I was the only oasis in a desert. I forced my eyes shut and tried to relive that moment. It was only seven hours ago.
I could feel Caesar’s facial hair tickling my inner thighs. I could hear my laughter turn to moans as he put his mouth on me. I was free in those moments.
When I opened my eyes again, I could see the glow in my irises coming back. I realized I would see Cease in a few minutes. I couldn’t let him see me like that. I looked panicked.
I splashed water on my face then rooted around in my hoodie pockets to find chapstick. I never wore gloss but suddenly I wanted to. I wanted wow Cease.
I stared at my messy ponytail and frowned. I tugged the hair tie from my hair and finger combed it a little. Cease loved my hair down. I liked it too the more I saw myself that way. I wasn’t perfect but at least I looked better than I did coming in the door. Plus, I still had twenty minutes before my appointment with Dr. Hollows.
I found Cease’s office with no problem. His door was open so I stood back and watched him for a few moments. He was so handsome. No…handsome was too buttoned up for Dr. Caesar Powers. I let my fingers slide over the golden nameplate on the door and smiled. Dr. Caesar Powers was fine as hell.
When I knocked, his head jerked up and we locked eyes. The air around me grew balmy and I wanted out of the hoodie I was wearing. Cease’s cashmere brown eyes swept the area outside of his office when he poked his head out of door. The lone desk out there was empty so he tugged me inside and closed the door.
I couldn’t wait to close the gap of space between us. It was too much.
In the next second my hands were in his hair and his lips were on mine. “Cease, I missed you,” I breathed. I really breathed too. I took one of the deep breaths I could only take around Caesar. I drew in his perfect, clean scent and it made me feel grounded.
