Page 45 of Tortured Whispers
“It’s what I’m used to,” I whispered
“Not anymore, Brook. Do you love me?” His words shook and his eyes looked wet.
“Yes, of course, Cease. I love you so fucking much.” I pressed my lips to his and he nodded.
“Then don’t hurt yourself anymore. Not like that. Because when you do…it tears me up inside. Don’t do it anymore because if you stop to think, it tears you up inside too. Now, it’s not only tearing you up emotionally but it’s tearing you up physically.”
Oh god, he was right. His words rang as clear and true as any bell and they echoed just as much. Even though cutting made me feel better when I was drowning…the relief was only temporary. It was like dying a little bit with each cut but having to be brought back to life…back to pain all over again.
I had to stop.
“You’re right,” I whispered, my gaze focused on nothing in particular. I wet my dry lips and fingered the tank tops lying in my lap. “I have to stop.”
“You do. It’s a process but I’m here. You’ll meet with Dr. Hollows tomorrow and we’ll help you through, I swear. You have to trust me though, Brook.”
“I twust you. I do. I can breathe around you.” The more I relaxed, the more I noticed the connection between my mouth and brain strengthen. “I trust you,” I said still with an accent but it came out right.
I held up a yellow tank top and stood to pull it over my head. I held out my arms and spun around for Caesar and he gave me thumbs up. “Yellow is amazing on your skin,” He walked me to the mirror with his arms around my waist while he held me from behind.
“When you’re clean from cutting for one year, you should get a tattoo.” My ears warmed at his suggestion.
“I’ve wanted one ever since I started cutting,” I confessed.
“Then we’ll make that shit happen. I want to see you get something badass.” His lips placed kisses along the curve of my neck making me feel warm and loved.
“Okay,” I beamed. The light in my eyes was back. It was jade and it was beautiful.
“See that spark? That’s what I love so much about you, Brooklyn. Everything contained in that spark is what’s fighting to get out and live above water. You have to be strong and brave though. It won’t be an easy fight.
You’re my girl. I know you can do it…right?” When we locked eyes, I felt like I could do anything. So I nodded. I wanted to be sure of myself for once in my fucking life. I wanted to do something right or at least something positive.
“Yes,” I said with a set stare. “I can’t erase the old scars but…I can stop myself from making new ones.” Clad in only a yellow tank top and a pair of panties, I took Cease by the hand and we went to the spare room I hid out in when we weren’t speaking.
I dropped to my knees and slid my fingers between the box spring and bed frame until I hit against the razor I had hidden there. I plucked it from its narrow confines and held it up for him to see. It was such an ugly fucking thing. It was an ugly moment. Both moment and razor were smeared with old blood and bad memories that made me feel like I was sinking.
Caesar’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat and I saw the hurt in his eyes. I hated that look. I hated hurting him. I hated hurting me.
There had to be a better way to cope. There had to be.
With emotions in my eyes ready to fall any second, we marched into the small en-suite bathroom and I dropped the blade in the toilet. Old blood became new again and tinted the water pink.
I locked pinkies with Caesar then reached out and flushed the toilet. The sound of the water pushing the razor out of sight made my stomach flutter.
“Was that the last one?” Cease asked, kissing the top of my head.
“Yup. Last one,” I admitted. My lips parted enough to let out a shaky laugh. I flushed my last fucking razor. I did it. On purpose.
“Okay. You got this, Brook. Even when you feel like you don’t. I’m always here. If you’re at school, I’m a phone call away. I’ll drop everything for you.”
“I know you will, Cease.” I laid against his chest trying to grasp the new feeling flowing through me. It was refreshing. It made me feel light like I was free.
I wondered briefly if that’s what peace was…feeling free.
If so, I could get used to being at peace. It was even better than being happy.
**
“I think I made a friend,” I told Cease as I looked at my phone after dinner. Ashley actually sent me a text asking if we could hang out after school.
