Page 34 of Tortured Whispers
I just knew falling asleep beside him later that night would result in more forbidden touching and teasing. I knew we’d slip further into the realm of taboo but he held me instead and as much as I burned to do more, the moment couldn’t have been more perfect.
**
San Marino High School was noisy. All the voices rushed together to form one long chorus of chaos. My head was pounding by the time I moved past the main office.
I pulled out the map of the school I’d printed out and glanced at it. I wanted to get to the alternative wing quickly so my nerves could settle down. I could already feel the water starting to slosh around in my head.
Walk past the main office and turn right, then another right. I could do that. Easy.
I rounded my shoulders as I moved past body after body. I hated the close proximity of everyone. Did they all have to be directly beside me? In front of me? Behind me?
I wanted to vanish. I wanted to run away. If my father were still alive, I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit.
Realizing I couldn’t go home to my dad after a long day of school hurt. I wanted to cry. My cheeks were hot and my throat was tight.
No, Brooklyn. Don’t cry. Not here. Not now.
I hated how fucking weak I was.
With my head down and the map tucked between my fingers, I steered myself down the hall nearest to the main office then I ran right into the back of someone. My head jerked up and I opened my mouth to apologize before the water made it impossible.
My face and neck heated as I blinked rapidly making the person’s face come into focus. “Holy shit, you go here now?” A smile curved her full lips as she looked at me with her arms folded.
Ashley Hartwell.
She’d gotten a little taller since ninth grade and her pixie cut was shoulder length now but everything else was the same. Her doe eyes and soft voice sent me off a steep cliff and headfirst into murky waters.
“I-I-I’m sowwy,” I whispered. My belly roiled and I raced down the hall, gripping the strap of my book bag. Once I made it to my new class, I fell into a chair and balled my shaky fingers into fists. Well, my right hand still didn’t want to work all the way but it was as close to a fist as I could make it.
Why did I cut myself that deeply?
Why did I cut at all?
Why didn’t I bring a razor to school?
I needed to cut. I needed to feel the relief. I wanted the drowning to stop.
I rubbed my chest praying for the ability to massage oxygen into my lungs. Nothing happened though.
If I could just slip away to the bathroom and cut myself this would all be over. I wanted to give my new school a chance but I couldn’t. What was the point of my father moving me to Avery Briggs only to have it yanked away from me in senior year? It clearly didn’t matter what strides I made toward overcoming speech apraxia or trying to tackle anxiety and depression. I would always end up full circle and in the same place looking at the same faces.
“You must be Mrs. Powers, correct?” The teacher seemed nice enough. I nodded and handed her my packet of papers. I didn’t know what the fuck they were and I didn’t care.
I was drowning and the only thing I cared about was going home to find relief. I already knew nobody could see me drowning but it didn’t mean it wasn’t happening. My teacher kept speaking to me but I couldn’t hear much. The water garbled everything.
I sucked in small sips of air all day. Just enough to keep me from going completely under. It felt like I was breathing through a straw though.
At lunch, I sat near the open door, praying for a breeze to fill my lungs and inflate me like a sail. I sucked on my sleeve while my eyes darted around the crowded cafeteria. I was looking for Ashley.
I didn’t know what I would do if I actually saw her though. Would I punch her in the face for what happened in ninth grade? Would I curse her out and tell her to stay away from me the rest of the year?
No.
I wouldn’t even be able to get my mouth to open let alone get my brain and tongue to be on the same goddamn page. The back of my neck prickled with embarrassment. I was such a failure at every fucking thing.
Suddenly, my appetite was gone. I wasn’t really eating anyway, just picking at my food and trying to breathe. I stood to toss the leftovers and that’s when I saw her.
She was sitting near the back of the cafeteria surrounded by other kids who were all laughing and talking and eating. Nothing was wrong with their brains. Their words came out fine every time.
