Page 90 of Snowed In With the Mountain Man
He nodded, even though he couldn’t know. He couldn’t possibly know.
“I tried to be like my grandmother,” she hurried on. “I wanted to take her place after she passed. I tried to be the rock in the storm, so to speak.” She smiled a bit at her own naivete when she’d made that decision. “My grandmother was practical, so I followed her lead, focusing on the logistics of the household. The laundry, the bedtimes, making sure everyone brushed their teeth and did their homework.”
She shook her head with another rueful laugh. She’d been an overbearing tyrant even back then.
“Mom was up and down like a roller coaster. Bubbly one minute, depressed the next. Working like a maniac one week and then barely able to get out of bed.” She tugged her hand from his. “Somebody had to be levelheaded.”
JJ winced. “That must have been really hard.”
She gritted her teeth. She hated pity, yet that wasn’t what he was offering, and she knew it. But even his gentle understanding was difficult to swallow. It made her want to feel sorry for herself, and that was something she tried never to do.
“When my dad walked away that last time after Rose was born… When he left and didn’t come back…” She took a deep breath, fighting waves of pain and anger so intense it was like she was a child all over again. “I don’t really remember him, but I remember what happened after. Iknowhis leaving sent my mother into the worst spiral I’d ever seen. And every time she was down, she talked about him. Blamed him.” Dahlia’s hands clenched into fists. “And he never came back! So I grew up hating him.”
“He never tried to keep in touch?” JJ asked after a long silence.
“He sent cards.” Her voice was brittle with a bitterness she couldn’t disguise. “Every Christmas and most birthdays, although sometimes he forgot. I tore those cards up and deposited the money into bank accounts for Daisy and Rose. I didn’t want his lame attempt at trying to make himself feel like he did something for us. He walked away.” Her voice was getting sharp and snappy, so she licked her lips to try and cool off.
JJ’s voice was a breezy balm. “Do you still blame him?”
She swallowed. “To some degree, I guess. I still hate him for leaving us like that, but as I got older, I started to see the reality of our situation more clearly. I started to realize that my mom was really hard work.”
She felt a stab of guilt just saying it.
“I mean, I found her nearly impossible, so I can only imagine what being married to her must have been like. When she was down, she was so cold and detached. She didn’t want affection or…” Dahlia shook her head, fighting tears. “Neither did my grandma, but for different reasons. That woman was so practical.” She let out a short, hard laugh. “She did a good job taking care of us, but she was also… cold. Stern. All that mattered was making sure we were fed and in bed on time.”
Guilt was nearly drowning her now, and she looked away from JJ with a sigh. “Not that I’m criticizing either of them. My mother was sick. She should have gotten help. And my grandmother tried her best, but she’d never asked to be a mother three times over when she should have been enjoying retirement, you know?”
She was babbling and forced herself to stop. To breathe.
But it was too late. The floodgates she’d kept sealed were open, and more words tumbled out of her mouth. “I so didn’t want to grow up to be like either of them, but that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve become the kind of woman any man in his right mind would walk away from. And so I can never… have that, you know? I’ll never have the wedding or the marriage.”
Her lungs felt far too tight, and she was keenly aware of JJ’s eyes on her.
Stop talking. Just… stop.
But her mouth seemed to have a mind of its own, and her heart felt like it was purging every dark thought. Every fear she’d been steadfastly refusing to face. “I can’t be a mother. There’s no point, because I’m too much work. And I won’t be in a position where I’m left with three little kids and a broken heart—”
“Hey.” JJ reached out, touching her chin until she looked at him. “You are not your mother. And you’re not your grandmother either.”
She tugged away from his touch. It was too tempting to sink into it. To let him reassure her. But she knew the truth about herself. She knew what she’d become, and she didn’t need to overhear herself being called the dragon to know that everyone else saw it too.
She wasn’t loveable. She wasn’t fun like Daisy or sweet like Rose. She was practical. Logical.
“I guess I’ve always thought…” She swallowed hard as more vile truths bubbled up. “If they need you, they can’t leave, right? That’s what I thought when it came to Brady. He was like an overgrown child, and he needed me, and that… that I could do. I mean, I lost Daisy a long time ago, but Rose… she needed me.” Her smile was sad and bitter. “Until she didn’t. She doesn’t need me anymore.”
JJ leaned forward until she was forced to look at him. “Rose might not need you, but I have it on good authority that she loves you something fierce.”
Dahlia’s eyes stung, and her heart ached. Why did she need this man to tell her that? It made no sense. But even so, she clutched the words close like a treasure. “Thank you.”
He studied her long and hard. “There are a lot of people in this world who love you, or who would love you if you just let them.”
The sting of tears was so painful now she knew it was only a matter of time before she lost the battle. Thank goodness she was leaving. She had no idea how she was going to face JJ again after he’d heard all this.
But just as quickly as she felt grateful for the fact that she was leaving, she was swamped with a wave of sorrow at the thought of walking away from him.
She sucked in a shaky breath, desperate to regain her control, but she couldn’t hold back the tears.
Gently taking her face, JJ studied her with a look of complete anguish.
