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“It’s a simple question.I know his death caused you a lot of trouble.And it also got in the way of your plan to save our species.I’m guessing, though, that you two were together out of necessity.Only two djinn on the ark, so to speak.But what I want to know is whether youlovedhim.”
It was possible that her eyes softened infinitesimally.Or it could have been a trick of the light.Her voice remained crisp.“I respected him, greatly.I admired many things about him.I don’t know if I loved him.”
Fair enough.“What about your family?Your parents?Siblings?”She’d never mentioned them at all.
She iced back up again.“My father, like yours, was murdered before I was born.My mother struggled to support me—just as I struggled with you.She died when I was very young.I had no siblings.I spent much of my childhood in institutions.”
Although Dee didn’t want to feel sorry for this woman, he did.Life had handed her one shitty deal after another, apparently.No wonder she hadn’t been able to nurture him appropriately—she’d never learned how.Dee had heard about a series of studies in which infant monkeys were raised in isolation and, when later placed in the company of other monkeys, were basically unable to function.Barbaric experiments that shed light on human behaviors.And, it seemed, on djinns.
“I’m sorry,” he said, in full honesty.“You should have had better.”
Another slip of that mask, almost too fast to catch.“I survived.”
“You thrived, by the looks of things.In some ways, at any rate.But are you happy?”
She looked away instead of answering.
Then he asked another question.The hardest one.“Did you love me?”He took a steadying breath.“You clearly made sacrifices to support me.But was that because you cared about me, or because you needed your Adam to survive?”
It hurt when she didn’t respond.And he was going to drop this whole attempt, but then another memory surfaced.“Happy Meal,” he whispered.
“What?”she asked, seemingly bewildered.
“The day before you walked away from me, you granted me a wish for a dog.It was the only wish you ever gave me.Why did you do that?”
“You were whining for one.I wanted you to shut up.”
“No.I wasn’t much of a whiner, I don’t think.”He’d learned very young that there was no point in it.“I remember that day.We were just sitting outside peacefully.It was hot out.I mentioned a puppy just once and then you…poof.You could have refused or ignored me.You didn’t gain anything from me getting a dog.So why did you do that for me?”This question had never occurred to him before.It skewed things a little, but that might not be a bad thing.
Irina still didn’t say anything.But there might have been a tiny movement of the corner of her lips, and she didn’t look away.
Dee smiled warmly at her.“I think you did love me.Which is sort of amazing, really, considering your background.It explains why I’m capable of love too, because Mom, Iam.And I have to tell you that love is hard.It hurts.There’s a good chance that it doesn’t end in a happily ever after.But gods, there is nothing like it.”He held a fist over his heart.“It can make you feel stronger, happier, better.It can fill holes inside you.It can help you be so much better than you’d ever dreamed of.”
He had to stop in order to swallow a few times and blink back hot tears.He might have given up on speaking altogether if not for the recollection of the way Achilles had looked at him.The way Achilles—his beautiful hero—had treated Dee like someone who mattered.
Dee got out of the chair and walked over to kneel in front of Irina.Not like a supplicant, but like a caring family member.“I don’t know how you feel about me now,” he said.“But if I were to go along with Spurling’s plans, I’d be broken.Ruined forever.I didn’t used to think I had a set of morals, but it turns out that I do.Love helped me find those.And I’ll die before becoming responsible for killing countless innocent people.”Yes, those words were true.
“None of thoseinnocent peoplewould lift a hand to help you.”She might have intended to sound harsh, but there was a hollowness behind her words.As if they were a mask too.
“That doesn’t matter.”
“You’ve been consuming nonsense.Love is just a word people throw around in order to manipulate others.”
Dee kept eye contact with her.“I’m sorry you’ve experienced it that way.It’s been different for me.”
“I doubt that.”Her mouth pursed as if she’d tasted something bitter, and she tapped her fingers on the magazine.“If you’re worried about being alone, don’t be.You can father offspring… remotely.And you can pick out any man you want for yourself, and simply wish for him to love you, and?—”
“You know that doesn’t work.True emotions aren’t magic tricks.They’re… they’re a part of you.Forcing them on someone is like using AI to write poetry.You get words, and they rhyme and everything, but there’s nothingbehindthem.They have no heartbeat.”He wished he was handier with words himself so that he could do a better job explaining this.But he was fairly certain that Irina knew all of this already.
She didn’t admit this, but she did stop trying to argue.He wondered how many people had bothered to sit down and discuss things with her, rather than ordering her around or keeping her in the background as an ornament.Until the Bureau dropped into Dee’s life, few people had held true discussions with him.
Irina was tense, though, and he was afraid she was going to jump up and stalk away.He chuckled softly at his own foolishness and then threw everything he had into the pot.If he lost this bet, he lost… everything.But he hoped he’d win.
“Mom, there’s a way for me to possibly save myself and the man I love.Maybe I’ll save some other people too.But I need your help.And if you ever loved me—even a tiny bit—I’m asking you to help me.Please.”
Then, heart beating fast, he got to his feet and walked out of the room.
CHAPTER37
