Page 30 of Creature
“I don’tunderstand.”
“I don’t have any memoriesfrom before I was created. You knew that. But I assumed I’d justlost them at death, like losing my pulse. I was wrong.”
“You didn’t losethem?”
John shook his head slowly. “I never hadthem.”
“I don’t—”
“I’m not a man who diedand was brought back to some semblance of life. I’m….” He sighed.“A man died. Maybe several—I’m not sure whether all of this bodycomes from a single source. But whoever those people were, theirsouls, theirselves, those are gone. Perhaps they’re enjoying an afterlifesomewhere. I hope so, for their sakes.” His headdrooped.
Slow as ever, Harry struggled to comprehend.Despite his confusion, he turned his attention to John and gentlytook his forearm. “Get in the tub, John. You can explain more inthere.”
Although John still appeared miserable, henodded once and slowly climbed into the roomy tub. He leaned hishead against the edge, eyes closed, and let out a long breath.
Harry sat on the closed toilet. “Feels good,huh? I haven’t had much access to bathtubs since my parents threwme out. I’m lucky when I get a shower.”
“It’s lovely.”
John was lovely, although Harry didn’t sayit aloud. He looked like an angel, maybe. Like a dream who’dstepped right off a movie screen. The scars didn’t detract at allfrom that.
After a few minutes, John opened his eyes.“I don’t know how to explain. I can’t find the right words. ButI’ll try.” He lifted his arms out of the water, and he and Harrywatched them drip. “This body was never mine. As I said, whateverpeople it belonged to are dead and gone. I was thrust into an emptypatchwork shell. I’m a monster squatting in a stolen home.” He lethis arms drop with a splash.
Harry scratched his head. “If that’s true,it’s not so bad. I mean, whoever used to have that body, he doesn’tneed it anymore. You didn’t have any choice in the matter, but evenif you did, you’re no thief. It’s like when I was staying at theMarch. People lived in that room before, but they moved out. Aslong as I paid rent, that place was just as much mine as it hadbeen theirs.” He nodded as he warmed to his topic. “Or when I buysecondhand clothes. They’re mine once I hand over my money, andthat’s not hurting anyone.”
John surprised him with a small smile. “Mybody as secondhand clothes. I like that. It explains the wear andtear.” He briefly traced the scar on his chest.
“That body might not bebrand new, but you wear it mighty well.”
This time, John’s smile was big enough tocrinkle the corners of his eyes. “You truly see me as…desirable?”
“Yeah.” That came outhoarser than Harry intended. He wasn’t used to admitting hisfeelings to anyone—not even when he was fucking them.
But then John lookedserious again. “You shouldn’t. This body may not disgust you, butwhat’s inside should. I thought I’d once been human, Harry. Iworried about what kind of man I’d been, but at least I believedIwasa man. Butnow I realize I never was. I have never been anything but amonster.”
Harry was tempted toremind him of their earlier discussion, in which Harry hadquestioned the very concept ofmonster. He still believed it wasjust a word people threw at someone they feared or misunderstood.Being a monster didn’t depend on how someone was made—or who hewanted to go to bed with—but rather how he acted. For instance, aguy could be born the usual way but grow up to love booze more thanhis family, to abuse his child in every way imaginable. He deservedthe label much more than a fellow created in a lab, who’d neverharmed anyone.
But with rare insight, Harry understood thatit wasn’t just the categorization that was disturbing John sodeeply. It was the loss of a past he’d hoped he’d once possessed.And the loss of a future too—a future already made tenuous by theBureau.
Harry couldn’t do anything about how Johnwas created, and he was in a true bind over the Bureau as well. Buthe could offer some solace, at least.
He got off the toilet andknelt beside the tub, thankful for the rug cushioning his knees.Then he sank a hand into the water, grasped one of John’s, andfished it out. “Lookat you, John.”
“What?”
“You called me strong for…for surviving so far, I guess. But look at you. Until you left thatcell, you never had one minute of anything good. Nobody gave youanything but pain. But here you are, only a few days away from thatplace, and look what you’ve become. Nobody could blame you if youwent wild like Frankenstein’s monster. If you killed as many of usas you could get your hands on. But that isn’t what you want, isit?”
“No,” John repliedsoftly.
“You could have becomeanything, probablyshouldhave become an angry beast out for revenge.Instead, you’re… nice. Even after I told you how I’m going to useyou. You’ve been kinder to me than anyone.” Harry had to swallowbefore continuing. “You’ve made yourself from scratch. And if thosebastards give you half a chance, you’ll be a better person than anyof them.”
Still holding Harry’s hand, John regardedhim solemnly. Then the corners of his mouth rose just a bit.“You’re very wise.”
Harry barked a laugh. “No, I’m—”
“Wise.” John brought theirjoined hands to his mouth and gently kissed Harry’s knuckles. “Andgenerous and kind. Thank you.”
Some of the weight lifted from Harry’sheart. He couldn’t fix much of anything, but he’d eased some ofJohn’s sorrow, and that was an accomplishment he could be proudof.
