Page 54 of Bound Vows
“Including you?”
“Katarina’s feelings about me are complicated by grief and gratitude. She confuses loyalty with love and protection with romance.” Andrei pushes himself up against the headboard. “I’ve never encouraged those feelings, but I haven’t discouraged them, either. She’s useful, and her devotion ensures loyalty.”
“Useful.” I taste the word like poison. “You’re using her unrequited love as a management tool.”
“Katarina’s feelings make her more valuable, not less.” His face hardens into the mask I recognize from our early encounters. “Sentiment has no place in strategic thinking.”
“Sentiment like guilt over your dead wife’s dying wish? Sentiment like being terrified to disappoint a dead woman by letting her sister get hurt?” I slide off the bed and reach for my robe. “You’re not managing Katarina’s usefulness, Andrei. You’re managing your guilt.”
“My guilt is irrelevant.”
I tie the robe around my waist and move to the window. “Your guilt is driving everything. You can’t fire her, set boundaries with her, or tell her the truth about her feelings because doing any of those things would betray Elena’s memory. So instead, you let her touch you inappropriately and make claims on your attention.”
“I let her maintain her illusions because they serve a purpose. Happy employees are loyal employees, and Katarina’s happiness depends on believing she has a future with me.” Andrei stands and pulls on his pajama pants. “It’s a small price to pay for devotion.”
“It’s a cruel price to extract from someone who’s already lost everything. And it’s a dangerous game to play with someone who has access to sensitive information about your operations.”
“Katarina would never betray me. Her loyalty is absolute.”
“Her loyalty to Elena’s memory is absolute,” I correct. “Her loyalty to you becomes complicated when another woman threatens her perceived position. What happens when she realizes you’ll never love her the way she loves you? What happens when her usefulness is outweighed by her potential for causing problems?”
“That situation won’t arise. Katarina understands her place in my life, even if she occasionally oversteps. Her feelings are manageable as long as they don’t interfere with her performance.” Andrei moves to his dresser and begins selecting his clothes for the day.
“Her feelings are already interfering with her performance. She spent yesterday trying to convince you to eliminate me.” I watch him pull a shirt from the drawer. “How long before she takes matters into her hands?”
“Katarina wouldn’t harm you. She knows the consequences of threatening what belongs to me.”
“Katarina is a woman in love with a man who will never love her back, and she’s watching that man become obsessed with another woman. Logic and consequences don’t apply to that level of emotional investment.” I sit on the edge of the bed and study his face. “You’re playing with psychological dynamite, and eventually, it will explode.”
“Then I’ll handle the explosion when it occurs. Until then, Katarina remains useful enough to justify the risks. Though I appreciate your concern for my organization’s security.”
I throw my hands in the air and laugh. “I’m not concerned about organizational security. I’m concerned about my survival. Elena died because your enemies wanted to hurt you. Am I next just because you can’t let go of your guilt?”
The question hits its target, and Andrei’s hands still on the dresser. When he looks at me, his ice-blue eyes carry a hurt that makes my chest ache despite my anger.
“Every day, I wake up knowing that caring about me destroyed an innocent woman and an unborn child. Every day, I wonder if I’m selfish enough to risk that happening again.” His voice drops to a whisper. “And every day, I discover that apparently, I am that selfish.”
“Because you married me.”
“Because I can’t seem to stop loving women who could be destroyed because of who I am. I don’t believe Katarina will harm you, but you very well could die for the same reason Elena did, along with any children we might have.”
The mention of potential children sends ice through my veins as I realize the scope of what I’ve gotten myself into. “You think history will repeat itself.”
“I think loving me is the most dangerous thing a woman can do, and I’m apparently too much of a monster to care.” Andrei’s reflection in the window looks like a man contemplating his damnation. “Elena made me promise to protect Katarina, but she should have made me promise never to love anyone else.”
“Would you have honored that promise?”
“For eight years, all I felt for other women was physical attraction.” He turns from the window to face me. “Then I met you, and all those carefully constructed lies fell apart.”
“What lies?”
“The lie that I could live without love. The lie that I could protect someone by keeping them at an emotional distance. That I could stop being the kind of man who destroys everything he touches.” Andrei approaches me slowly. “You make me want things I have no right to want, Maya. Things that will probably get you killed.”
I swallow hard and resist the urge to slide my hands up his chest when he stops in front of me. “Things like what?”
“Things like waking up next to you every morning for the rest of our lives and watching you grow round with my children and knowing they’re safe because I’m strong enough to protect them. Like believing that love is worth the risk of losing everything.”
The longing in his voice makes my throat tight, and I send my line of sight to the floor. “And what if loving you really is a death sentence, not for me, but for you?”
