Page 357 of Sticks and Stones
“And what will that entail?” he asked. “When you’re fifty, what do I have to look out for? Are you going to hook up with ayounger man and drive a sportscar?” he asked, joking. “Because I’m younger and the Mustang counts.”
Gene shrugged.
“Maybe we’ll buy a house and have some kids.”
When Ethan came to a full stop, Gene did too. When he glanced over, Ethan looked worried.
“Uh, what did I say?” he asked.
Ethan was to the point.
“Oh, I don’t know. You said kids.”
Yeah, and that went over like a lead balloon. Honestly, he never thought about kids, and he didn’t really want any. He was happy how his life was, and he was enjoying having a partner who loved him.
Since they were standing in the snow, and it was falling a little heavier, Gene brushed some from Ethan’s dark hair, and reassured him.
“Hey, breathe.”
Ethan was shaky.
He was pretty sure that having kids would just lead to one thing.
Destroying children’s lives.
Look at his father.
Look at his grandfather.
Timothy had tried, but he’d not exactly hit it out of the ballpark. Ethan wasn’t sure he wanted to risk ruining a whole person’s life with his coldness.
“I’m sorry I just scared you. Want to tell me what just freaked you out?” he asked.
Ethan just stood there.
Pulling off his one glove, he cupped Ethan’s cheek, and didn’t give a shit about the people milling around them.
“Babe, I’m sorry. I was joking. You know. People do outrageous things when they turn fifty. That’s outrageous to me.”
Still, he said nothing.
“Don’t shut down on me,” Gene said. “If you do, it’s harder to get back to this moment. Just tell me what you’re thinking, and I’ll help you get through it.”
He was honest.
“If I have kids, I don’t know if I could be a parent,” he said. “I’m a bad bet for that,” he admitted. “Look at my family.”
Gene moved closer, and stared into his eyes.
“I’m your family. We’re good. If we ever decide to have kids together, we’ll navigate it together. Honestly, I wasn’t serious. I’ll never run away with a younger man, so that’s the only thing that popped into my head that was as equally absurd.”
Gene could see the artery in his neck throbbing.
“Do you want kids?” he asked, knowing at one time, Gene said no kids. Only, now, he brought it up in jest. Already, the man was giving up so much to follow him.
It was all about Ethan’s career that he never thought the man would want a house in the suburbs in Virginia and a backyard with children.
“Not particularly. I mean, one day, my biological dad-clock might kick on, but each case we take where a kid dies scares me shitless. That’s when I don’t want to bring a child into this world.”
