Page 19 of The Sinner and the Gunslinger
She throws up her hands. “See? I want to fuck everything. It’s never been this bad.”
“You’re deflecting. And don’t use me as your sex toy.”
“I’m sorry.” She pinches the bridge between her eyes.
“So why aren’t you?” I swipe hair from my face. “Why aren’t you heading into town and finding one of your regulars?”
She winces and glances down. Through the black yoga pants, a dark ring of blood soaks through on each thigh.
“Mercy, those cilices aren’t meant to be used that much. You’ll have no flesh left if you keep punishing yourself.”
“They help me contain my demons,” she mutters quietly.
“Well, they’re not working. Take them off. We’ll work out.”
She shakes her head.
“You can’t run with them on,” I say. “You’ll be cut to ribbons.”
The cilices are barbed chains around her thighs and part of our instruments of penance—mortification of the flesh. It’s an old religious custom that predates the Sisterhood, a way to purge sin. I never much got into it, but Mercy’s blood drips down her legs.
Fucking Team Saint. They show up, and everything is a mess.
“Don’t give them a single ounce of your shame, Mercy.” I lift my chin. “Confess, or don’t confess. Who gives a fuck what they think? They’re all fuckheads who lie and cheat and are as bad as the next guy. We don’t owe them anything.”
“It’s not that I think I owe them something, but that I want to give something and... I can’t stop thinking about it. Abouthim. He’s a holy man who looks at me like I’m the scum off his boot. At first, I loved teasing him and making him blush. But then he started giving me these looks—like I’m disgusting. Like I’m so full of evil and sin that there’s no saving me. And the worst part is that it affects me. Iwanthis approval, and at the same time, I want to corrupt his goody-two-shoes soul and drag him to sex dungeon hell. What’s wrong with me?”
I feel an odd sense of honor and pride that she opened her heart to me. Unlike myself, who bottles everything inside until I blow, she trusted me to share.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I point out.
“So why can’t I stop thinking about things that I shouldn’t?” She lowers her voice. “Do you think it’s another demon? Is one of them trying to influence me?”
Movement in my periphery catches my eye. Zeke and Wes are outside the church near the lake.
“Blame Thea and Wes and that damn prophecy,” I growl. “We have to work together. We’re not used to it. We’re not used to opening our hearts on missions. So it’s messing with our heads. It’s scary. That’s all. But this is just another mission. It will eventually end. Until then, we have each other’s backs.”
She follows my gaze and then glances at me as though she knows exactly who I’m thinking of. But she doesn’t push it. She slides her hands inside her yoga pants, unhooks the chain cilice on one thigh, and hands it to me. Red glistens on the barbed silver chain. The pain would be unbearable, but she’s so used to it she barely flinches.
“Other one too.” I hold out my palm.
She groans reluctantly and removes the second one. I shove both inside my yoga pants pocket, look her squarely in the eyes, and say, “You feel like you’re going to do something stupid, call me. Okay?”
“Define stupid.”
“Sneak into the priest’s bed in the middle of the night, wearing only your panties.”
She flattens her lips. “What else?”
“I think you get the picture.”
“Fine. But the same goes for you,” she replies.
“I’m sure I can resist climbing into the priest’s bed.”
“Babe.” She claps her hand on my shoulder and gives me a serious look. “I’m not talking about the priest... or any of them. I meant, if you need me, I’m here.”
My lips curve and I nod. “Alright. Enough chit-chat let’s go. I’m about to work you so hard that you wish you never saw me.”
