Page 11 of Rhaz's Redemption
“I wanted to talk to you before you left,” she continued as she took another step into my cave.
“About what?” My gruff tone had returned and I did nothing to stop it. I needed to build my walls back up. These walls were for her protection not mine.
“About us, our luminescence, and what that means. We-”
“It means nothing.” I cut her off. This discussion could not go where she wanted it to.
“That’s fundamentally not true,” she wrinkled her nose in that adorable way she did whenever she was put off by someone’s comment or confused by their logic or lack thereof.
“We have a bond. You can’t deny that,” she pressed on.
“Why not?” I crossed my arms over my chest and looked to the ground so she could not see the pain in my eyes. I wanted our bond. I wanted her.
“Because that wouldn’t make any sense. For whatever reason luminescence chose us for each other. We should explore that connection. At the very least we should build a friendship between us so when the big moon is full again we can help ease each other’s physical yearning.”
I quickly turned my back to her and gripped my satchel so tight my knuckles turned white. We could never give into that yearning. No matter how much I wanted to, it could never happen. I would not give her a child with my cursed blood. I don’t know what caused my father to change from the loving sire he’d been to the monster he’d become, but his blood ran through my veins and an unquenchable fury filled my soul. I was always ready for a fight, and I hated myself for it. I didn’t want to fight. I wanted to be gentle like Brexl or kind like Jax, but I wasn’t like either of them. I was like my sire, and I would not risk hurting Beatrice or any children we might have together. I had hope that they might turn out like her instead of like me, but I kept nohope for myself. It was too dangerous to believe I might not turn into a violent male like my sire.
“We will never be mates. I will not lie with you in the furs. I will not join you in luminescence.” I spoke through gritted teeth and felt my heart break with each word I uttered.
I turned to find Beatrice’s eyes glossy with unshed tears. I’d put those tears there and I hated myself for it. But it was better for her to hate me now, then to love me and discover the monster that lurked underneath.
“Why?” Her voice cracked and she looked away so I would not see the tear that streamed down her face.
“Do you really not know?” I questioned. “Can you really not see why we can’t be together?”
She took a step back as if I’d dealt her a physical blow. “Do you despise me so much that the idea of being with me is so far-fetched?”
No. This couldn't be real. She thought I hated her?
I found myself on my knees before her and gathered her hands between mine.
“I could no sooner hate you than I could hate a flower for being beautiful or a bird’s song for its light melody.”
“I don’t understand.” She wrinkled her nose again and the sight of her standing over me like this made me wish I could take back every word I’d ever spoken. I would love her tenderly if I could. I would give her all that I was and beg for her to love me rough in return. I wanted to feel her nails dig into my skin as her channel squeezed around me. I wanted to feel her soft breaths on my neck as I held her tight. I wanted to beg for mercy and release and see her smile before she finally gave into my pleas.
I stood to my feet again as I remembered I couldn’t have any of those things.
“We cannot be mated as long as my sire’s blood runs through my veins. I cannot rid myself of him anymore than I could separate my soul from my body.”
“You’re not like him,” Beatrice corrected and I wanted to believe her. I wanted her to be right, but it was too risky. There was too much rage inside me for that to be true.
“I can’t risk hurting you like he hurt my mother.”
I let the words linger in the air, hoping she’d get my meaning without me having to explain further.
But being stubborn and brave as she was, Betrice took a step closer and tried again. “You are not your father.”
“Do you even know what my father is capable of?” I bit out. “If you knew how much of a monster he truly is you wouldn’t risk tying yourself to me.”
“I-”
“Do you know why Jax is mute?” I cut her off with a growl. “Did anyone tell you that he wasn’t born unable to speak? I was there the day he shifted for the first time. I was visiting my mother’s grave when I heard his screech turn from screams to gargles as my father held onto his tongue in his hand and cut it out. He thought he could fix him, but all he did was take his voice.”
Beatrice held a hand up over her mouth as she imagined the scene I’d described for her.
“That same darkness lives in me, Beatrice. That is the future I hold. That is the future I’d offer you, madness and violence.”
“I refuse to believe-”
