Page 80 of My Kind of Trouble
‘Alex, we need to talk.’
‘Noa, it is nothing that can’t wait until you are fed. Eat first and talk later, okay?’
She knew it wasn’t really a question, so she just sat and silently sipped her coffee. She was anxious to have the conversation, worried about how he would react but, searching his face right now, she felt comforted by the lack of anger or sadness on his face. The reassuring smile he gave her allowed her to relax, the fear dissipating a little, and she contentedly watched him from where she sat at the island.
She was enjoying the view of his corded arms moving around the kitchen effortlessly to make her breakfast. His muscles pulled and flexed, the artwork across them pulling tight as he lifted plates and set them out in front of her.
Getting lost in him, she decided a little daydreaming was okay. Until they’d had breakfast, at least.
Breakfast eaten and dishes washed, Noa and Alex sat face to face, nestled amongst the cushions on his sofa. She didn’t know where to start but, luckily, he went first.
‘I know you were in no state to make big decisions last night, so I want you to know that I won’t hold you to anything you said. But, whatever comes next, I’m here and I support you.’
Noa put her hand on his to stop him.
‘I may have been upset, Alex, but I did mean it. And if you mean what you said, and really want to do this with me, then I’m in. I’m all in. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but when have I, really? We have each other and that’s more than many can say. We can work the rest out.’
‘I need to make one thing clear before we talk anymore about this baby stuff, because I don’t want you to get it twisted that that’s the only reason I’m saying it.’
‘Okay…’ Noa said, shifting in her seat.
‘I’ve waited years for the moment I would get to call you mine, Noa. I’m not a patient man, but for you I would wait however long it takes. But please don’t make me wait anymore. I don’t want to share you. I want you to be mine, really mine. I’ve thought of nothing else for months. Baby or not, I want us to be together, all in. I want you here with me all the time, because I feel sick when you’re gone. I want your cold feet on my back when I fall asleep every night. I want to hear every racing thought that you have when it comes into your mind and help you work through them like a team. I want all of it. All of you. And, if we are having a baby, too, then I’m all in for that as well because, even though I’m scared as hell, making a family with you sounds like a gift I don’t deserve but am selfish enough to take anyway.’
Noa felt her eyes grow damp, tears coating her eyelashes, but she didn’t move to brush them away, she couldn’t. She was paralysed by his words. He was all in.
‘So, will you haveme?’
‘You want to hear my racing thoughts now?’ she asked, and he nodded.
‘Always.’
‘I love you,’ she blurted out with as much tact as a sledge barrelling through fresh snow. ‘God, I’ve wanted to tell you that for weeks. I’ve probably always loved you in some way, but now I love you in a way that it makes my heart physically hurt, Alex. So yes, I’ll have you. I’m all in, too.’
She was fully crying now, and she should’ve been embarrassed about the number of tears she had shed over the last twenty-four hours, but nothing embarrassed her in front of Alex. She felt more seen and safer than she ever had. He accepted every messy and imperfect part of her. She knew, because of that, even if he needed some convincing, that he would make an amazing dad.
He grabbed either side of her face then, kissing her cheeks, his lips soaking up her tears. They were warm and soft, and she revelled in it.
‘I love you more than I ever thought possible,’ he choked out, his voice so full of emotion. ‘And I will fight every day to be the man deserving of your love. Deserving of our family.’
She put her cheek to his chest, letting the steady rise and fall settle her. They sat like that for a while until Noa righted herself again and looked at Alex.
‘You know Ryan was wrong right?’
Alex just looked away and swallowed.
‘He was hurting and lashing out. You are the furthest thing from your dad. There is no part of you that would ever leave me and whoever this is in here,’ she said, pointing at her belly. ‘And if you don’t trust that you are not him, then that’s okay, because I have enough trust for the both of us.’
A single tear fell down his cheek. Emotion was swimming in his eyes, making her feel like she could drown in them.
‘The only thing I know, Noa, is I will spend my entire life working to be better, to be a man that you and our baby are proud of. I’m not perfect, but I will do my best for you. Always.’
‘We don’t need perfect. We just need you.’
Alex cupped her chin, such reverence in his gaze, as he took her in like he was seeing her for the first time. His eyes felt like a gentle caress as they moved over her until her words slowly sunk in and she saw he believed them.
‘And I need you, Trouble.’
Those words wrapped themselves around her body like silk, and she thought of every other time he had called her that. There was a question she had been meaning to ask, but had never been brave enough to. But now, in this moment of openness and vulnerability, she let it come tumbling out.
