Page 67 of My Kind of Trouble
But, despite nights spent together having become a regular thing, they still hadn’t talked about what it meant, and had continuously danced around the subject of Ryan. So, pumpkin-picking was probably out of the question.
Instead of addressing how to come clean to Ryan, their new routine involved Noa coming to open mic night at the bar every Friday, with Tes, as an excuse to see him in public. More than a few times, he’d been unable to control himself as he watched her swaying her hips on the dance floor and had taken her to his office to bury himself in her and show her, no matter how many men’s attention she drew out there, it was him she belonged to. If she had called him a ‘caveman’ before, then the possessiveness he felt toward her now was a whole other level, and he had to constantly reign himself in.
Any time Ryan had been around, though, they, somehow, managed to behave normal. Maybe? He wasn’t sure how they’d pulled it off, seeing as he couldn’t remember what their normal was now. But Ryan hadn’t mentioned any suspicions, so Alex took that as a good sign.
He didn’t know if it was wishful thinking on his part, but he’d started to wonder if, maybe, this was okay. Maybe, if they continued as they were doing, everything else would just fall into place before they knew it, and he would be left feeling like an idiot for ever worrying about it in the first place. Noa had been trying really hard to live in the here-and-now, and he didn’t want to be the one to ruin it. He’d seen the change in her and was proud of how far she’d come.
All he’d ever wanted to do was build her up and support her, never adding to the anxiety she carried around on a daily basis. He knew now that they were meant to be together. Everything would be okay if they faced it together, but he needed to let her come to that conclusion in her own time. So,he would love her in secret for as long as he had to. And, despite needing to fight his instincts to make sure everyone knew that she was his and he was hers, he wouldn’t rush her.
Because he did. Love her that is.
A few more weeks passed by just like that, the two of them sneaking to find any amount of time together. Evenings spent, when he wasn’t at the bar, on his couch watching movies under a blanket, him cooking her meals whilst she wrote at his table. Stolen glances over his bar whilst their friends were around. And the moments of passion, where they got lost in each other’s bodies, fucking like it was both the first and last time they would ever have each other like that.
Alex continued to run through all the scenarios where this could go wrong in his head, all the ways he could be hurt if she left. Whether he was good enough for her. But she never made him feel that way, and it made him realise that, maybe, he had internalised his father’s abandonment when he was a child. Maybe Alex had lived with the idea that his dad had left because he hadn’t been good enough to make him stay. But Noa had made him see that was just a negative thought pattern, because under her attention, he knew he was good enough.
Noa was not his dad. She was not a selfish person who would be careless with his heart. She was beautiful and kind, thoughtful when it came to the people around her. She protected those she loved, even gave parts of herself she shouldn’t just to make them happy, and he knew in his heart that she would never intentionally hurt him. More importantly, she’d seen all of him—the good, the bad, and the ugly—and she wanted him anyway. She had been showing him that every day, and he believed her.
But that didn’t stop the evil voice that liked to slip into his head from time to time, ever since he was a kid, from rearing itsugly head and reminding him of his biggest fears and insecurities. Some days, he thought, if he became the man she deserved, worked his ass off to be everything she needed, gave her everything she could ever want, that it would be enough to make her stay. But he knew love and relationships didn’t work like that and, at some point, he would have to take the leap of faith, put all his trust in her, consequences be damned. Even so, if anyone was worth working through his messed-up thoughts for, then it was her. She’d always been worth the risk.
Kicking off the wall, Alex strode away from the window. Despite having spent most of the morning watching the world and being lost to his thoughts, he was intent that he, too wanted to live in the moment. And he wanted to do it with Noa.
They lay in his king-sized bed, not an inch between them. Noa curled into him under the covers and Alex watched her as she scrolled manically through her phone, sighing defeatedly every so often. He’d been busy at the bar the last few days with stock take, so this was the first bit of quality time they’d managed to squeeze in for nearly three days. It was irrational how much he’d missed her in such a small period of time, but nothing he did could free her from his mind. He’d ached to have her in his arms with every day that passed.
Nuzzling into her neck now, breathing in her vanilla scent, Alex pulled her even closer. It would never be close enough.
He kissed the top of her exposed shoulder where her T-shirt had slipped down, and then the crook of her neck.
He pulled back before asking, ‘What’s wrong? You sound like your phone has personally offended you in some way.’
‘It’s just another rejection letter,’ Noa sighed.
Rejection letters?His heart dropped into his stomach with what this could mean, but he tried to hide it.
‘What letters? What do you mean?’
Noa turned around so their backs were no longer touching so she could look at him.
‘So, I’ve been so busy I’ve not had chance to tell you, but I’ve been applying for jobs. I’ve decided what I want to do with my future, but I’m just struggling to find a way to make it work…’
She paused, looking at him for any signs that he was somehow bored of her story. He just nodded, silently encouraging her to continue.
‘Well, when I first started struggling with anxiety, books were my escapism. They helped me in a way that I can’t even explain. It’s silly really, but…’
‘Don’t do that,’ Alex said. ‘Don’t say that anything you enjoy or find comfort in is silly. It’s not.’
She nodded and continued, ‘Well, I always thought that one day I would write my own book, as you know. The idea of helping someone the way books helped me would just be the most amazing thing. I love creative writing, but somewhere along the line, becoming an adult meant making the hard decisions necessary to make sure I could support myself and pay the bills. That’s when I went into publishing. I still got to work with authors and readers, and it has made me so happy, for the most part.’
There was a slight pause.
‘But…’
‘I guess this whole thing has just reminded me that we are never too old to chase our dreams, you know, no matter what they are or how unrealistic they feel. You helped me realise that. Our time away was healing for me in so many ways, and one thing I realised is that my life only has to make me happy, no one else. My passion, and my happy place, is writing, and I think I owe it to myself to really explore that.’
His chest swelled with pride at her words. The look of determination he saw painted across her beautiful face might have been the sexiest thing he’d ever seen. If he hadn’t been dying to hear her every thought, he would have crawled between her legs right then. But he did need to hear what she thought about in that incredible mind of hers, more than he needed his last breath. So, he just reached out, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as she continued her speech. She looked wild and unruly as she spoke, and it was just the way he liked her—hair mussed from having his hands running through it, his shirt on her back that sat just above her knee. The only thought that the sight elicited wasmine.
‘I know writing makes me happy, and that I could write something that really matters to people. I’ve been helping people publish their books for years, it-it feels like it’s my turn. I started writing in the book you bought me whilst we were away. You were right, I was inspired. I have a good portion of a book already, but I still need a lot more time to finish it and get it where I want it to be. It’s, honestly, just like I had so much that I didn’t know I needed to say, but once I started, I couldn’t stop.’
‘So, what’s the problem?’ Alex asked, feeling like there was something she wasn’t saying.
