Page 52 of My Kind of Trouble
‘You always used to talk about being an author one day. I see you scribbling your ideas in that book now, and your face lights up. Do you think you could make a go at the writing thing?’ Alex asked.
And, compared to when she’d had conversations with Lucas about changing her career, Alex actually sounded supportive of the concept. She felt like she could get excited about it with him, and he would get excited back.
She’d been questioning whether it was too late to change career paths for a while, whether she was being naive to think she could make a living from her writing.
The anxiety around that, and the voice in her head telling her she couldn’t, had won out until now. The voice of Lucasas he said, ‘Do you even know how many books an author has to write to breakeven?’ only reinforced it.
His question had been an insult in so many ways. One, because she had made a career out of helping authors reach their goals, so the fact he doubted she knew what she was doing irritated her to no end. But the fact he clearly didn’t think she could do it had only fuelled her imposter syndrome.
‘I’d love to. I really would. It just seems so scary. I wonder if it’s too late,’ Noa now admitted to Alex.
‘It’s never too late, Noa. Maybe now’s the perfect time. Maybe all the work you’ve put into editing has only led you here, given you the tools to finally make your own dreams come true. But you’ll never know unless you try. You can forge a new path whenever you choose to. But youdohave to choose it. Nothing comes to you unless you grab it.’
His words meant more than he would ever know. She mulled them over for a while, really letting them sink in.
Was she really her greatest barrier? Could it be as easy as just taking that first step toward the life she wanted?
Noa barely noticed the passing of time as they continued to lie there, talking about everything and nothing. It was the perfect night, just the two of them under the blanket of stars that lit up the night sky.
The scene felt familiar, in a way, and Alex must have thought so, too, because it didn’t take long for him to see straight through her and say, ‘I didn’t expect this to still be on your list, but I am glad to be back here.’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Noa answered, raising her hand to her chest in an attempt to feign innocence.
‘You mean you didn’t decide you wanted to count the stars because a twenty-one-year-old version of me told you thatyou couldn’t? Because your stubbornness refused to let that go. Because I know you Noa, and that would be a lie!’
Noa thought back to that night. It hadn’t been long before her twentieth birthday party. She’d walked home from her bar job, where she’d been saving money for university. She spotted Alex on the swings of Freymoor’s play park, kicking at the ground as he swung back and forth. She’d felt a need to make sure he was okay, something instinctual telling her he needed a friend.
They sat in comfortable silence at first, cloaked in the darkness of the night sky if it wasn’t for the light from the winking of the stars breaking through.
Noa had broken the silence first.
‘A leftover Starburst for your thoughts,’ she said, pulling a green, misshapen sweet from the depth of her pocket.
Alex grimaced.
‘Is that all they’re worth?’ he joked. ‘That’s the worst flavour. I should be offended.’
Noa smiled at him sweetly, batting her eyelashes overdramatically in a way she did when she wanted something. He rolled his eyes at her, but the expression was filled with amusement.
‘Okay, well, what about sharing them with a friend who cares for free?’
She could have sworn his shoulders sagged a little at her use of the word ‘friend’, but before she could give it much thought, he was speaking.
‘I just. I… I feel bad all the time. My mum’s exhausted. She came home tonight and could barely stand up straight. She’s never at home. Always working, always making up for him.’
Noa didn’t have to ask who the ‘him’ was that Alex was referring to, and she felt the need to reach out to him, to comfort him somehow, hating the scars his dad had left on his heart. She was glad this was never something he had hidden from her, because the weight must have been so heavy to carry alone.
‘She’s emotionally and financially trying to be two parents at once. I’m trying to work and save to start a business, to make a future for myself, but I feel like such a selfish prick when I see her burnt out like she has been my entire life. Because we were never even worth that to him. A few lousy pounds every month to the spawn you fathered would simply be too much to ask.’
She sensed his anger. But also, the hurt. He had insinuated many times that he thought his dad leaving was a reflection on him, and she hated that the most.
‘Your mum loves you, Alex. She probably didn’t see her life turning out exactly like this, but I know, given the opportunity to do it all again, even if she had the opportunity to have all the freedom and money in the world, she would choose this. Choose you every single time.’
Alex didn’t respond. He just sat there looking younger than she had seen him in a while. So, she continued, needing him to really hear her.
‘You are a person worth knowing, Alex. And I only feel sorry for him that he doesn’t get to. I hope he regrets that until his dying day, because his shortcomings are his to bear and his alone. None of it is on you.’
She reached out for his hand then. And, although his eyes remained on the ground, he nodded and his lips turned up at the sides into a half-smile. She loved being the reason he smiled.
