Page 76 of My Kind of Trouble
And, in those seconds, too many contrasting emotions ping-ponged around his brain, and he was unable to settle on just one. Relief and fear, confusion and understanding, excitement and trepidation. He flicked from one to the other faster than he could even process. None of it made sense, and his head throbbed as a result.
This woman had changed his life forever, in more ways than one. And, knowing who remained in the bar with them, he might not be the only one who knew it.
Chapter 44
Noa
This was the first time Noa had ever felt intimidated by the thick wooden doors guarding The Brew, though it was likely what sat behind them that had her heart racing. Or, more like who. Her gut churned as she thought about the conversation that needed to be had.
The door served as the band-aid that she needed to rip off to see what was lying beneath, but the longer she stood there, staring up at the metal sign that said, ‘Welcome to The Brew’, the worse her anxiety got. She’d tormented herself over this discussion for the last twenty-four hours. Suddenly, she wished Tes was still here to holdher hand through it.
Last night, Tes, sensing Noa’s trepidation, had spent all evening and way into the early morning being her rock, talking through her options for the pregnancy without judgement. Her best friend was exactly the person Noa had needed to help her process the new revelation. She had slipped straight into practical mode, printing pamphlets she found online and, together, they’d researched pregnancy advisory services.
Noa didn’t know what she wanted to do right now. At least, sometimes she thought she did, but then she changed her mind every five minutes. Despite knowing that she was in a position other people would kill for, and that she was at a time in her life when people did have babies, she couldn’t help thinking about the times she still felt like a baby herself. She didn’t feel like a grown-up capable of making grown-up decisions. She could barely decide which cereal to buy on her weekly shop.
But this?
This was the biggest decision she would ever have to make, and the enormity of it felt like a lead weight on her shoulders. She didn’t know what the right decision was and kept wishing there was some kind of ‘ask AI’ way of making it.
When she thought about abortion, she couldn’t tell how much of her reaction was just a knee-jerk to shock and fear. Because, despite all the ‘what ifs’ and reasons she might not be ready for this, she kept finding herself instinctively pressing her hand to her non-existent baby bump. It was irrational, considering the baby was likely the size of a raspberry— at least, that’s what the internet had told her—but as she stroked her stomach, she felt like the baby growing in there connected her to Alex.
This hadn’t been in her grand plan. Actually, kids never had been. But look where not going with the grand plan hadgotten her recently. Letting go of it had allowed her the freedom to be happy in a way she never had been before.
Noa had never specifically thought she didn’t want kids, she just hadn’t been sure, and she’d always thought that, if it ever did happen, that she would be. She thought it would be black and white. She’d have a husband and a house, and it would be planned. They’d both tell their families and they’d all be crying, ecstatic for their growing little family.
She never expected to be doing a test in the supermarket with so many mixed feelings, fear being the overwhelming one. But life was messy, and it wasn’t black and white like the younger version of herself had once believed. She’d realised that messy didn’t have to mean bad, and some of her most memorable experiences had come from living in the grey areas. So, as she stood outside The Brew and stroked her stomach, again, she knew that this could be really good. A happy surprise. And she hoped Alex would see it that way, too.
She was terrified, and had no idea what she was doing, but she couldn’t help but ask herself, ‘Did anyone?’ Or was that, again, just a social construct? Tes told her not to judge herself for the array of feelings she switched between, to let it happen and give herself time and grace to sort through them to decide what’s right for her.
She knew she didn’t need to tell Alex if she didn’t want to, and she didn’t need to include him in the decision. It was her body to have autonomy over, and she had the choice of what to do with it. But telling him felt right, and she wanted his help in deciding what to do.
She knew he had complex feelings around his own dad, and had even heard him talk about the fact that he didn’t want kids a few times, but she also knew him. He had become her best friend over the last few months. She knew he would try hisbest to be impartial and help her work through this. Maybe it was selfish of her to ask him to do that, but all she knew was, even if she didn’t need him, she wanted him and his comfort right now.
So, like Tes had suggested, Noa had sat with her feelings all day. Going through her options over and over in her head, she finally decided to go with her instincts, and they had led her here—standing alone on a very empty Main Street at midnight.
As soon as she had gained an ounce of courage, knowing Alex would be locking up and they could sit and talk, she’d basically flown out the door to get here without a second thought.
If only she could make it past the doors now. She willed her feet to move. She had never felt so scared to have a conversation in her whole life. For a people-pleaser who continuously avoided confrontation, this was her worst nightmare. Had she got it all wrong? Would he be angry? Would he cut and run at the first sight of any adult problems instead of them facing it together? The more she stood there, the more she questioned it. She wished she could turn off this anxious part of her brain, the part that overthinks and spirals.
This was ludicrous. She was a grown-ass woman, and she should just come out and tell him. It takes two to tango so, if he wanted to be mad at her, then he could just go ahead and fuck right off. With that thought giving her more courage than when she’d arrived, Noa burst through the doors and let the words come tumbling out before she could second-guess herself.
‘So, yeah, it’s not ideal, but turns out the pill isn’t one hundred percent accurate. Who knew right? Okay, well, maybe everybody knows, but they really should put that on the packets in bold letters for when hormones get the better ofpeople. Or, maybe they do, and I just didn’t look hard enough…’ trailing off she stared into the distance for a minute deep in thought before realising she’d gotten distracted.
Alex’s chin jutted out repetitively.
He looked like one of those nodding dogs people put on their dashboard, or a chicken roaming his coop. Eyes bugging, arms flailing, he looked like he was trying to convey some kind of secret without words. She ignored whatever he was doing. It would have to wait, because she was on a roll and couldn’t get deterred from what she came here to say.
With a heavy sigh, she pressed on, a rambling mess intent on really following that band-aid analogy.
‘What I meant to say was, I’m pregnant, preggers, knocked up, up the duff, bun in the oven, fertilised.’
She heard it as she blurted it out with all the composure of a toddler on a sugar high, but couldn’t seem to stop herself. She cringed at her own words. The pitch of her voice seemed to go up an octave with every absurd pregnancy synonym she came up with. She’d spent hours mulling over this very conversation, and this was the best she had?
Her arms started waving around her belly in some ridiculous attempt to gesture a pregnant bump, just in case he hadn’t already got the picture.
The weird hand gestures and head bobbing suddenly stopped. Alex stood still and stared at her, blinking rapidly, looking like a deer in headlights. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and the silence felt heavy around them. There was no sound but the roar of her heartbeat in her ears and the ticking of the old grandfather clock, reminding them that time had, in fact, not stood still. Noa started to question whether she’d imagined she’d told him at all until Alex seemed to return to reality.
His eyes suddenly doubled in size, and he cleared his throat in a weird staccato she assumed she was meant to understand but just didn’t. His hand came up to rub at his stubble aggressively, his features scrunching, but he still wasn’t using his words.
